Forget December
by Thatkliqkid
Summary: Hanson's hiding from his past and its demons. He's playing the fool with his best friend Doug Penhall and throwing himself into his undercover work. Unfortunately for him his past is about to come back to haunt him. please read and review.
1. Chapter 1

"Alright Hanson start talking!" screamed Detective Judy Hoffs angrily. She slammed the leaflet onto his desk furiously.

"What's this?" asked Tom Hanson feigning ignorance. He allowed himself the briefest of smiles when he saw the lonely-hearts ad for Judy that he and Officer Doug Penhall had constructed together in their lunch hour. They had then thoughtfully stuck it on the notice board of Jump Street chapel.

"You did it Hanson I know you did!" snapped Judy

"How do you know?" asked Hanson shooting her a smile; his eyes twinkled, "This could have been done by absolutely anyone"

"Because genius you and your buddy Penhall over there" began Judy

"Hey don't drag me into this!" interrupted Doug hiding behind a pile of paper work.

"You tell her Doug," replied Hanson

"Hey I'm talking here!" yelled Judy, "You and your partner in crime over there forgot to disguise your trashy handwriting on the draft I found in the canteen"

"Technically Judy we're partners _against_ crime" said Hanson totally disregarding what she had just said.

"Well as a cop you should know that evidence makes you guilty!" cried Judy

"Not if it's planted," replied Doug

"He's got you there Judy," agreed Harry Ioki from his desk

"Stay outta this!" snapped Judy heatedly

"Hanson, Penhall my office NOW!" yelled Captain Fuller entering the chapel

"What did you do this time?" asked Harry curiously

"Pick anything we may have been remotely connected with in the last week and no doubt that's it" replied Doug, "Come on Tom"

"Don't see why we always have to get called in" muttered Hanson as he and Doug entered the office.

"What was that Hanson?" snapped Fuller furiously

"I said it's time you called the decorators in" lied Hanson "Paint's beginning to flake" Doug sniggered.

"Would one of you like to tell me why internal affairs are busting my ass over your latest case?" enquired Fuller sharply. Doug shot Hanson a questioning look. Hanson gave a guilty smile.

"What did you do Tom?" asked Doug suspiciously.

"You just wrecked an entire case that's what you did Hanson!" yelled Fuller turning his attention to Tom.

"No I got us evidence," snapped Hanson

"You broke into a kid's locker!"

"He was dealing smack!" cried Hanson irately, "What was I supposed to do stand by and watch?!"

"You're a trained Police officer Hanson you _know_ what you were supposed to do and it damn well wasn't breaking and entering!" replied Fuller

"Man the kid was an asshole. Picking on everyone else, being abusive towards the teachers…and you expect me to be friendly with this guy?"

"That's your job Hanson!" cried Fuller. "And if you can't remember the rules and stick to them undercover maybe I should put you on desk duty til you cool down and obey the proper procedures!"

"Look I know I shouldn't have broke into that kid's locker"

"Oh I _know_ you know!" snapped Fuller interrupting

"But that kid didn't speak to anyone so how else was I supposed to make a bust?" continued Hanson

"Hanson you have been part of Jump Street coming on three years now and you know what you were supposed to do. That's why you're going on desk duty," replied Fuller.

"whoop-Dee-doo" snapped Hanson sarcastically.

"HANSON!" yelled Fuller angrily, "Do you understand the severity of what you've done? The Jump Street programme is under investigation from internal affairs yet _again_ and you are under the threat of suspension _again"_

"Er Captain" said Doug cautiously

"You know Hanson you're a good cop when you follow the rules," said Fuller, "A damn good cop"

"Captain?" repeated Doug

"_What_ Penhall?" snapped Fuller

"Is there actually a reason why I'm here?"

"Yes since Hanson's gone and gotten himself some quality time with his desk you and Booker are going on the next assignment"

"Good luck with that one Doug. Teamed up with a first class jerk" mumbled Hanson

"Hanson I am damn tired of your mutterings if you've got something to say then just say it" cried Fuller

"Hell Captain you know what I think of Dennis Booker" snapped Hanson, "The guy's a racist, bigoted jerk who hits on High school girls. _High School_ for God sakes!"

"Cool it Hanson. I told you stop letting him get under your skin" said Fuller impatiently.

"Yeah well he's getting on my nerves" snapped Hanson

" Hanson I'm done with you go back to your desk"

" How long am I on desk duty for anyhow?" asked Hanson as he was leaving.

" Til you learn to obey proper procedure! Now hurry up and Go to your desk and do some work." snapped Fuller, "Call Booker in here while you're at it"

" Hey Book!" shouted Hanson, " Fuller's office now"

Dennis Booker looked up from his desk.

" Hey Tommy boy I told you quit calling me Book" he said

" And I told you to stop calling me Tommy" retorted Hanson.

" Hanson! Booker! I do not have time for these pathetic squabbles" called Fuller from the doorway of his office. " Now Booker, get in here and Hanson, for the last time, _get to your desk_!"

"You know when you sign up for the force they don't tell you it's like being back in 4th grade," snapped Hanson sarcastically.

"Shut up Hanson!" yelled Fuller. He re-entered his office with Booker following behind him.

Hanson sat down at his desk and put his head in his arms.

"Hey Hanson you ok?" asked Harry

"Never been better" said Hanson bitterly. He looked up, "Have you seen my pen?"

"Nope where'd you leave it?" asked Harry

"If I knew I wouldn't be asking!" he snapped. He let out an exclamation of surprise and pain as a biro hit him square on the head.

"Oops sorry Hanson" laughed Judy

"That hurt!" cried Hanson furiously

"Can I have it back then?"

"No I'm keeping it. Maybe it'll teach you not to throw things round the workplace," snapped Hanson,

"And maybe being hit on the head will knock some sense into you; though I highly doubt it!" retorted Judy.

"What is going on out here!" yelled Fuller storming out of his office., " I'm trying to brief Penhall and Booker on a case in here and all I can hear is you lot messing about. Get some work done!"

"I'd get a lot more work done if people didn't keep throwing pens at my head"

"You're getting on my last nerve Hanson!" shouted Fuller

"Why are you yelling at me? Hoffs is the one who just assaulted me with a biro!" cried Hanson indignantly

"Yeah well you slandered my reputation!" countered Judy

"ENOUGH!" screamed Fuller "Are you police officers or children?"

"You can't tell with Hanson," snapped Judy

"Yeah you're real mature Hoffs," retorted Hanson

"Did you not hear me say enough?" yelled Fuller "Now for the last time; all of you better do some work or I'm gonna dock your pay"

"Hanson took my pen" said Judy

"You _threw_ it at me!" yelled Hanson

"Hanson will you just give Hoffs her pen!" screamed Fuller

"Fine!" snapped Hanson as he threw the pen on Judy's desk. "I'll just fill these forms out in pencil"

"Where's your pen Hanson?"

"Lost it," replied Hanson sulkily

"Well you better go find it then hadn't you!" snapped Fuller

" well I dunno where it is!" yelled Hanson

" Did you check the canteen?" asked Judy snidely

Hanson scraped back his chair and slammed it against the desk furiously. He stormed out of the office.

" what the hell is going on?" yelled Fuller, " HANSON COME BACK HERE!"

He reappeared a few minutes later clutching a battered biro.

" found it" he announced grouchily.

" Well do some work with it!" replied Fuller. He turned to walk back in his office, " Oh and another thing Hanson, you _ever_ storm outta here like that again - and you _won't_ be coming back "

Hanson stared at Fuller's retreating back before sitting down at his desk - he continued the rest of his paperwork in silence.

" Yo Hanson wait up!" called Doug after their shift was over. Hanson was walking towards his blue mustang silently.

" yeah?" replied Hanson quietly

" You wanna come for a drink?" blurted Doug

" Not particularly" answered Hanson without looking at his partner he unlocked his car door and got in, " you want a lift?"

" Sure" said Doug getting in the car, " So you wanna tell me what's up?"

" what?" snapped Hanson driving off

" Well since we been in Fuller's office all you done is get real mad and then not say two words to anybody all day" said Doug. Hanson turned to look at Doug his face clouded with surprise and annoyance.

" I'm talking to you right now!" cried Hanson turning his attention back to the road then swerving, narrowly missing an oncoming vehicle

" Are you nuts you nearly hit that car!" shouted Doug

" I KNOW THAT!!" screamed Hanson

" Keep your eyes on the road man"

" Well stop saying stupid things to me!" retorted Hanson

" You are in a mood" observed Doug

" No I'm n-"

" EYES.ON.ROAD.HANSON." interrupted Doug forcefully.

" I know how to drive you know!" shouted Hanson

" Could a fooled me!" yelled Doug.

" WILL YOU JUST GET OFF MY CASE FOR 5 SECONDS?" screamed Hanson making an emergency stop. He climbed out of the car, slammed the door and ran into the nearby woods. Doug got out and followed. He found Hanson sitting by the pond throwing rocks.

" Leave me alone" said Hanson hurling a rock into the middle of the pond. He followed it with his eyes until it made a dull thunk at the bottom of the water.

" What is the _matter _with you? You get in trouble off Fuller all the time and it's never bothered you before" cried Doug sitting beside him.

" I messed up an entire case Doug. An entire case."

" Yeah well that's not a first either" said Doug smiling slyly

" It's my dad's birthday you know" confided Hanson suddenly whilst hurling another rock.

" I see"

" He never would a screwed up the way I did. He was such a great cop Doug"

" So are you Tom" assured Doug

" since when?! You said it yourself I screw up all the time"

" you Putting words in my mouth Hanson" snapped Doug, " I never said that and you know it"

" You don't have to _say_ it, everyone's still _thinking _it!" shouted Hanson angrily throwing a rock so hard the water splashed off in torrents.

" Like WHO? You got all these crazy ideas going on in your head Tom. None of them are true" said Doug.

" How the hell do you know?! You-You don't have any idea!" screamed Hanson jumping up.

" sit DOWN!" yelled Doug standing up and grabbing Hanson firmly by the shoulders

" Let go!" cried Hanson struggling

" what you gonna do? Sock me one?"

" If I have to I will!" yelled Hanson furiously.

" Don't be stupid Tommy"

"STOP CALLING ME THAT!" roared Hanson " WILL PEOPLE JUST STOP WITH THE TOMMYS AND SPORTS A-A-AND.. NOBODY'S ALLOWED TO CALL ME THAT EXCEPT,E-EXCEPT…" he faltered, a lump forming in his throat.

" Except your dad?" suggested Doug quietly

" Yes! I mean no…no; sometimes the people I care about can call me that but I-I don't, I don't wanna be called that today. Not today! " cried Hanson his voice cracking.

" Ok, ok calm down you understandably getting very emotional and confused so erm you ain't sure bout some of the stuff you're saying" soothed Doug patting his friend on the shoulder. Hanson pushed his hand away.

" I wanna be left alone for a little while, Just let me alone for a bit Penhall" begged Hanson wiping his face with his sleeve.

"well..just for a little while" compromised Doug, " I'll be over there if you…you know get into difficulty" Hanson gave a weak smile. Doug walked back towards Hanson's car.

" Hey Doug!" called Hanson suddenly. Doug stopped and turned.

"Thanks" finished Hanson softly. Doug smiled.

" Come on let's go get pizza" suggested Doug brightly a few minutes later. Hanson stood up and walked over.

" Let's go Partner" replied Hanson genuinely smiling. Crying had made him feel slightly better and he realised he was an "ok" cop. He'd do his desk duty and be back undercover in no time regardless what Internal affairs had to say.

" so what's Fuller got you working on?" asked Hanson once they were seated in the local pizza parlour. He took a bite from his slice of cheese and tomato pizza eagerly.

" Usual stuff. Some kids have been cutting class and doing some break ins round the area. Captain wants me and Booker to join the group, find out who's making the robberies and make a bust" explained Doug through a mouthful of pizza.

" Thanks for that Doug I really wanna see a mouthful of half chewed food" said Hanson half amused half disgusted, " so you and Booker got aliases yet or what?"

" Yeah we going in as cousins, just transferred in" answered Doug.

" Booker gonna have the criminal record?" asked Hanson feigning nonchalance

" yeah. Pretty much the same deal as when me and you go as the Maquaids" replied Doug uneasily. He shot his partner an almost guilty look.

" Hey Doug don't sweat it. Booker is never gonna pull it off like me and you can" Hanson laughed it off.

" You sure Tom?"

" yup" replied Hanson smiling.

" You know Fuller wanted you on the case. He even told Booker you were more suited" confessed Doug helpfully.

" He really told Booker that?" asked Hanson surprised.

" Sure" answered Doug, "so erm now do you fancy a drink?" Hanson looked up from his new slice of pizza.

" I'm trying to cut back on my alcohol intake" replied Hanson with an embarrassed glance at his best friend. He knew Doug was remembering the last time they went out drinking as clearly as he was.

" You growing up on me Tom?" asked Doug trying to diffuse the embarrassment with an old joke.

" Naaaaaah" laughed Hanson more than a little relieved.

" You gonna be ok on desk duty on your own Tom?" asked Doug cautiously

" Doug, I don't need a baby sitter. I'm perfectly capable of taking care of myself!" replied Hanson, " You think I can't fill out forms alone and file em?"

" Hey you the one who gets called in to see Fuller every time we got to do a write up for sloppy handwriting" teased Doug

" that's only cause he can't tell who's who" laughed Hanson

" Sure he can" said Doug bewildered and completely missing the joke. Hanson stared pointedly at his friend.

" Ohhhhhh" said Doug catching on

" There ya go" said Hanson grinning

" You wanna come back to mine and watch some movies?" asked Doug

" Will there be popcorn and candy?" teased Hanson

" Sure"

" And Ushers with hats wandering around in the dark?" continued Hanson sarcastically

" Tom!" cried Doug annoyed

" Hey man you started it - asking me back to your place to watch movies" snickered Hanson raising an eyebrow.

" What? We're partners Tom" said Doug pretending to be mortally wounded

" Yeah - the way you talking people gonna think we more than business partners" laughed Hanson. Doug joined in with him.

" Seriously Hanson are you sure you're gonna be ok?" asked Doug turning serious once more. There were undisguised traces of concern in his eyes

" Doug for the last time I am FINE!" cried Hanson harshly, " Why can't you just drop it?"

" you know why Tom" said Doug quietly staring meaningfully at his friend. Hanson tugged self consciously at his shirt sleeves knowing what Doug meant and how furious his best friend was about the secret he had spilt a few months ago when the pair had been out together and had, had slightly too much to drink. Endless questions about his teenage years and the premature death of his father combined with too much alcohol had made the usually reserved Hanson extremely forthcoming about his angst filled albeit hidden past.

"Doug- I told you it was one time-it's..uh..it's no big deal" mumbled Hanson fiddling with a loose thread on his checked shirt sleeve.

" How can you even say that to me Tom?!" yelled Doug furiously, " How can you when you know what I went through!"

" Doug I was 17! I was 17 and I was hurting" yelled Hanson, " And just cause I did it then doesn't mean I'm gonna turn round 7 years later and do it again!"

" You should never have done it in the first place" snapped Doug

" I WAS SEVENTEEN! MY DAD WAS DEAD, I WAS SOME SORT OF BABY SITTER TO MY MOTHER AND ALL SHE DID WAS SCREW AROUND WITH RANDOM GUYS!" screamed Hanson

"THAT'S NOT AN EXCUSE!" roared Doug irately, " LOOK WHAT YOU DID TO YOURSELF HANSON!"

Doug grabbed hold of his partner's arms roughly and yanked his sleeves up so that the faint white lines were visible across each wrist. Hanson screwed his eyes up tightly and turned his head away refusing to look at the scars he had inflicted upon himself in December 1982 with his mother's nail scissors in his room.

" GET OFF ME NOW!" cried Hanson. Doug dropped Hanson's wrists as if he had been burned. Hanson immediately rolled his sleeves down and held them over his hands afraid that Doug would try the trick again.

" I can't believe it took you almost 3 years to tell me about this!" spat Doug

" Oh I'm sorry I'll write you a detailed biography of everything I ever said or did shall I?!" snapped Hanson, " Did it ever occur to you that maybe, just maybe, I didn't WANT you to know?! That maybe I'm not PROUD of what I did?!"

" well you shouldn't have done it then!" yelled Doug

" Oh right like you never tried it Penhall! Don't pull this shit with me. So ok suicide is a sensitive subject to you I know that and I'm sorry but don't you DARE sit and preach to me because you know damn well that you tried it too!" cried Hanson

" When I was EIGHT!" yelled Doug, " I was just a little kid- I was grieving!"

" SO WAS I!" screamed Hanson furiously his soft brown eyes filling up with tears, " I was grieving Penhall, I was upset and I missed my dad. I was sick of never having time to myself. All I did was run around looking after my mother. I wasn't allowed to be me Doug. I wasn't allowed to do anything!"

" Hanson at least you HAD a mother to take care of!" spat Doug

" Yeah blame me for YOUR mom's mistake THAT makes sense!" yelled Hanson.

" Hanson you make me sick! Your mom's always there for you and you don't give a shit!" cried Doug

" yeah my mom's just perfect isn't she Doug?! If she's so damn great then why did she leave me alone with her asshole boyfriend Jack who she knew, SHE KNEW, hated my God damn guts?!" shouted Hanson

" Maybe she wanted YOU to stop acting like a selfish little prick and actually hold a civil conversation with the guy!" snapped Penhall remembering all the times when Hanson had told him about how he would be a right jerk to his mom's boyfriends whilst growing up.

" Hey man Fuck you! Fuck you Penhall cause you weren't there, you didn't have to live with him. You didn't get told to call some worthless asshole "dad" and then get smacked in the face everyday for refusing! He wasn't my dad! My dad didn't beat on kids" screamed Hanson, " So don't you sit there and judge me because I self harmed ONE time. You weren't even there. You don't even know what it was like". Tears spilled down his cheeks silently. Penhall watched grimly.

" It's not like you were the only kid to get beat on Tom" he said angrily, " Me and Fuller both went through the same thing and we didn't try it"

" STOP PREACHING AT ME!" screamed Hanson his voice cracking "you're not perfect Penhall!"

" I don't pretend to be!" retorted Doug

" Excuse me I'm going to have to ask you both to leave" said a waitress firmly, " You're disturbing the other customers."

Hanson rose swiftly and slammed his chair against the table irately. Doug got up and stormed out of the parlour slamming the door in Hanson's face as he did so. Hanson pushed the door open to let himself out angrily glaring at his partner's retreating back. Hanson had nothing else to do but get in his mustang and go home. He sat up alone, unable to sleep, drinking a bottle of whisky in the darkened kitchen of his apartment. that's when the memories started flooding back through the barriers he had spent the best part of eight years creating.

_He can't hear what she's saying. She's tugging at the sleeve of his blue tux and all he's doing is standing there bathed in the blue and red lights. He can see them. The ones Dad said would come if ever there was a problem no matter how big or small. Only this is more than a minor problem. They don't send the captain of the police force to pick up an officer's 16-year-old son and his girlfriend from the Prom if it's no big deal. There's a pit of nausea in his stomach and he knows. Tom knows his father's dead. He knows but he doesn't want to believe it so he takes off down the steps three at a time with Dianne Thompson following close behind. _

_Everything's a blur and the memories are all merging into one. He's in Charlie's house being told the details of the shooting. He's at the funeral helping to carry the coffin. He's watching his mom have some sort of breakdown and missing important classes to make sure she's ok. The rare days he goes to school he comes home to find the house a mess and his mother in bed with a different guy each night. It's his responsibility to sort everything out. After all he's the man of the house now as everyone keeps reminding him. The memories are all merging faster and faster until the room seems to be spinning. _

_There's no air and all Hanson can see is his 17-year-old self picking up the scissors and carrying them to his room down the hall. He's sitting rigid looking at the picture of his dad and him. It's snowing outside and the windows are all fogged up. He's sitting bathed in the multi coloured fairy lights which he put up around his window ledge on the 1st December just like his dad would have wanted. His Dad. Thinking of him pains him. He wishes his Dad was still here. He puts the blade across his left wrist and cuts. There's no pain just blood. He does the same to his right wrist and sits staring at the bloody marks he's inflicted upon himself. The flow's getting heavier now, getting worse. He begins to panic as the blood drips onto his faded jeans and down his hands. He runs downstairs into the kitchen looking for his mom. She's not there. She's in bed with Jack. Tom runs in her room not caring what they're doing. His mother looks at him. His white t-shirt's soaked in blood and he's crying. His mother screams and sobs begging Jack to call an ambulance. Then Tom blacks out._

Hanson took another long swig of whisky. He wanted these memories to leave him alone.

" I don't care what you think either!" he mumbled drunkenly at the picture of his father he was clutching, " You shouldn't have left me. Y-you sh-shouldn't have l-left". The clock ticked in the silence of the kitchen as Hanson carried on drowning his sorrows, trying to dull the pain and find a solution to his problems at the bottom of a whisky bottle.

The chapel was a bustle of activity the next morning. Judy sat chatting to Booker brightly. Penhall sat hunched at his desk playing with his collection of pencils seeming somewhat distracted.

" Hey Doug, where's Hanson?" asked Judy glancing at the clock. It was almost 7am and Hanson was never late. He nearly always arrived early he was that dedicated a cop.

" what am I his keeper?!" spat Doug, " How the hell should I know where he is?"

" Geez Penhall she was only asking man!" snapped Booker

" It's not like Hanson to be late especially since he's on desk duty" murmured Judy anxiously

" Well he better hurry up. Fuller'll be in soon and Hanson's in enough trouble as it is" observed Ioki quietly. All four officers looked up sharply as a loud thud reverberated round the chapel as Hanson stumbled in and almost fell down the steps.

" Hanson are you..uh..you ok?" asked Ioki shooting a bemused glance at Judy. They glanced at their fellow officer who was clearly unshaven and looked extremely worse for wear. His hair was unbrushed and unwashed. His eyes were bloodshot and there were dark shadows beneath them from an obvious lack of sleep. He was wearing a pair of faded jeans and the same red and white checked flannel shirt from the day before.

" Look Penhall!" slurred Hanson stumbling over to his partners desk and rolling up his sleeves, "No..n-no new ones. Just-j-just the old ones. W-won't go away"

" Hanson go away NOW!" shouted Doug irately

" No man you wanted to hear bout it. Kept p-pushing for details th-that night in the b-bar. W-wanna hear em now?!" mumbled Hanson

" HANSON I DON'T WANNA HEAR ANYTHING YOU HAVE TO SAY SO JUST GO AWAY!" shouted Doug

" Hanson…are you..uh…are you drunk?" exclaimed Judy as Hanson struggled to stay upright and clutched at the edge of Doug's desk in an effort to stop himself from falling to the floor.

" Looks that way to me" snickered Booker

" SHUT UP BOOKER!" chorused Ioki and Judy

" You didn't th-think I'd be ok d-did you Doug?" questioned Hanson, " But I'm fine."

" Yeah it really looks that way Hanson" snapped Doug

" no cuts ..not even a slight graze" said Hanson softly so only Doug could hear.

" Yeah so what does that prove?!" cried Doug sharply, " All you've done is moved on from self harming to trying to drink yourself to death!"

" No, don't wanna die" muttered Hanson defensively, " Want th- want the memories to g-go away and you to stop d-doubting me"

" I don't _doubt_ you Hanson!" spat Doug, " I just don't trust you!"

" _Have a little faith in me and have a little faith in me, Just have a little faith in me. All you gotta do for me Doug is have a little faith in me!" _sang Hanson drunkenly. Booker stifled a giggle. Judy shot him a black look and he desperately tried to stop.

" C'mon Jude he's singing John Hiatt songs. The guys funny when he's hammered!" whispered Booker.

" it isn't funny Dennis!" snapped Judy

" Right" said Booker clearing his throat, "sorry Judy"

" Penhall! Booker!" called Fuller from the chapel hallway. Booker, Judy and Ioki exchanged alarmed glances

" Shit what do we do about him?!" panicked Booker indicating Hanson who was now attempting to climb on Doug's desk in an effort to make his friend pay attention to him. He lost his footing and went crashing to the floor.

" HANSON!" cried Judy rushing over. She crouched over Hanson and attempted to pull him up but to no avail. " Booker help me"

" c'mon Hanson get up" snapped Booker hauling him to his feet. He steered the fellow officer to his desk and made him sit down.

" I'll go get him some coffee. Someone make sure he doesn't speak to the Captain" whispered Ioki.

" Booker?!" questioned Hanson, " Booker make Doug talk to me!"

" Hanson I'm not a mediator for you and Penhall. Whatever your problems are with each other sort em out like adults for God sakes!" snapped Booker

" He's mad at me" muttered Hanson

" He can hear you too you drunken ass!" called Penhall loudly from his desk. " Why Don't you tell them all why I'm mad at you?!"

" Shut up Penhall!" cried Hanson

" PENHALL! BOOKER!" screamed Fuller storming into the chapel

" Yes sir?" asked Booker

" DON'T YOU YES SIR ME! I CALLED ON YOU TWO 10 MINUTES AGO AND YET HERE YOU ARE STANDING AROUND LIKE FOOLS. WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON HERE? ARE YOU TRYING TO TEST MY PATIENCE! WHERE'S IOKI?!"

" He..uh..went to get coffee captain" volunteered Judy softly

" WELL TELL HIM TO HURRY UP!" screamed Fuller furiously

" Stop yelling" muttered Hanson

" WHAT WAS THAT HANSON?"

" Stop Yelling" repeated Hanson holding his head

" oh I'm sorry Hanson" said Fuller softly walking over to his young officer. He positioned himself behind Hanson's desk, " FEELING HUNGOVER ARE WE?!" Hanson jumped violently. Booker laughed but stopped as soon as Fuller glared in his direction.

" Hanson you are on desk duty for a reason! What the hell gave you the impression that showing up to work half drunk would be a good idea?!" cried Fuller

" He ain't half drunk" muttered Doug, " He's completely hammered"

" Penhall if I wanted your opinion I'd ask for it!" snapped Fuller

" Not my fault" mumbled Hanson, " Doug kept pushing. Now he hates me. Told him it was only once"

" Hanson I have no idea what you are talking about but you and Penhall better sort your differences out now. Then you're going home to sleep this off and when you come back in sober we're gonna have a little chat." said Fuller sternly

" Okey dokey" mumbled Hanson

" Well Penhall go sort things out with your partner then get to school with Booker!" commanded Fuller, " Hoffs you and Ioki are gonna go in as back up. Hanson go home!"

" Captain you don't understand" protested Doug

" Save it Penhall!" snapped Fuller, " Go sort it NOW!"

Hanson walked out of the chapel shakily with Penhall following reluctantly. Hanson leaned against the wall in the hallway and stared at his partner.

" I'm really sorry Doug ok?" said Hanson quietly, " I'm sorry" Doug looked his Partner over sadly

" Look at the state of you Tom" he said, " You're a mess man"

" I know" admitted Hanson softly; looking at his shoes.

" You..uh…you know I didn't mean to be so rough with you in the diner" said Penhall

" Yeah Just don't try it again" said Hanson firmly but with a hint of a smile playing around his lips. He looked up to see Doug smiling back.

" Partners?" asked Penhall extending his hand

" Partners" confirmed Hanson hi-fiving him.

" You best go get some sleep" suggested Doug

" Yeah guess so I gotta face Fuller when I get back" said Hanson. He pulled a face, " He's going to kill me isn't he?"

" No doubt about it Tom" said Doug laughing.

" PENHALL HURRY UP OUT THERE!" yelled Fuller

" I better go before he decides to kill me" said Doug, " I'll catch you later"

" Sure" replied Hanson leaving. He walked back to his apartment and let himself in. he wandered into his bedroom took off his jeans and shirt before climbing into bed where he fell into a deep sleep.

Booker and Penhall arrived at the high school halfway through their scheduled first class. Maths was in full swing when they threw open the door and sauntered in the room all eyes on them. Booker was wearing black jeans with a ripped white t-shirt whilst Doug was decked out in his usual Maquaid brothers attire.

" You must be Dennis Brewer and Doug Peterson" commented the teacher Mr Stanton dryly

" Maybe" cried Doug. He glanced at Booker who just stared in confusion. Doug rolled his eyes. If Hanson had been on this case he would have jumped straight in with " Maybe not!" and their usual Maquaid brothers patter would have begun. Booker however was not aware of his role as a Maquaid Brother stand in.

" Yo Stanton!" he called cheerfully

" That's MR STANTON!" cried the teacher

" Whatever" muttered Booker

" Take a seat gentlemen. We're in the middle of simultaneous equations" said Mr Stanton annoyed by Booker's show of disrespect.

" No thanks I think we'll pass" Doug replied

" Yeah let us know when you get on to trig" said Booker grinning, "we might have a go at that one"

Booker turned and followed Doug out of the class with Mr Stanton yelling after them to get back to class.

" So you think we defiantly made an impression?" asked Booker quietly, " Think they bought it?"

" Yeah we were ok I'm pretty sure we're safe" replied Doug " So where do we go now?"

" Where all the others go when they cut class - down by the bike sheds"

" How'd you know that's where they'll be?" enquired Doug

" C'mon Penhall didn't you ever cut class?"

" Yeah but we left school grounds when we did it" was Penhall's reply. Booker smiled and the pair made their way down to the bike sheds.

Hanson awoke with a start. He realised it was just a dream he couldn't remember and settled back against his pillows. He reached lazily over to his bedside cabinet and picked up his watch. The digital numbers clicked over to indicate it was 3pm in the afternoon.

" Shit" he groaned stretching. He got up and padded over to the bathroom, had a shower and then came back through to his room searching for some clean clothes to wear. He pulled on some ripped jeans, a black t-shirt and tied one of his many checked shirts around his waist, he pulled his brown leather jacket on and continued brushing his wet hair up into spikes. He shaved and then pulled on his boots ready to go back to the chapel and catch hell off his captain.

Judy was sat at her desk wrapping up a piece of paper work when Hanson entered the chapel looking extremely sheepish.

" Hey Hanson you sobered up then?" she taunted

" Is he real mad?" asked Hanson ignoring her dig.

" Who? Fuller? Very." replied Judy smiling, " I can't believe you came to work drunk Hanson"

" I didn't intend to!" cried Hanson, " It sorta just happened"


	2. Chapter 2

" yeah right, did you accidentally swallow a bottle of alcohol?" questioned Judy

" Oh just leave me alone!" snapped Hanson annoyed.

" HANSON!" yelled Fuller coming into the chapel. He indicated his office and his tone of voice left no room for an argument. Hanson went into his captain's office looking very embarrassed.

" Sit down ". Hanson sat down and looked at the floor

" So what's wrong with you Hanson?" asked Fuller perching himself on the edge of his desk.

" Nothing" said Hanson clearing his throat.

" oh so you just turned up to work this morning drunk to create a change of pace?" said Fuller sarcastically , " Or maybe you just figured you weren't in enough damn trouble as it is? Is that it?"

" It's…a…it's…a… personal matter" stammered Hanson blushing

" Hanson if something's bothering you; you really should tell someone" said Fuller slightly concerned

" No I'm ok I can deal with it. I mean I…erm…I dealt with it all a long time ago" muttered Hanson. He shifted uneasily in his chair, " Can I..uh..go now Captain?"

" Hanson now is _not_ the time! What is with you lately Tom? You wreck that case, you wander in and out of the office when it suits you" began Fuller exasperated

" that was ONE time and YOU told me to go find my pen!" cried Hanson interrupting

" Did I tell you to go get hammered last night before showing up to work?!" snapped Fuller

" HOW COME EVERYONE CAN MAKE ONE MISTAKE BUT ME?!" shouted Hanson furiously. He stood up, " Everyone else can miss curfew, or go to a party or fail a bust or get drunk or do something stupid just so long as it's not Tom Hanson. Oh no I get to be the example! I get to be the mug who looks after everyone else and has to be perfect. Don't you dare slip up Tom cause everyone is counting on you. Everyone needs you Tom. Look what you did to your mother!" Fuller looked at Tom. He had no idea what the young officer was talking about but it was obviously serious. Hanson wasn't acting a bit like the reserved young man Fuller was used to dealing with.

" DAMN IT SHE DID IT HERSELF!" Hanson screamed suddenly. He sent the items on Fuller's desk flying to the floor.

" SIT DOWN TOM!" cried Fuller alarmed. Hanson glared at his superior officer.

" You're just like everybody else!" he spat, " Sit down Tom! Don't do that Tom! No you can't have something to eat you have to do your homework. STOP TELLING ME WHAT TO DO"

" Hanson please sit down" said Fuller quietly, " I'm not telling you honest I'm just asking you as a friend to please sit down and stop trashing my things" Hanson glanced him over as if looking for some ulterior motive his captain may have.

" If I sit down do you promise you won't touch me?" he asked

" I promise" agreed Fuller a little bewildered by this unusual request.

Hanson sat down and looked around the room nervously.

" Tom, have you ever been to see a psychiatrist apart from when you've been with this department?" questioned Fuller cautiously

" You mean have I been to see a shrink when it wasn't to do with work?" repeated Hanson, " once when I was 17"

" Well don't take this the wrong way Tom but maybe its time you booked yourself another appointment. I think you have some issues you need to sort out." suggested Fuller

" maybe" answered Hanson quietly, " But I ain't crazy captain you know that right?"

" Of course I do Tom" said Fuller

" I'll go see the department shrink now then should I?"

" If you want to Tom"

" I never wanted to in the first place. The law and my mother made me" snapped Hanson, " Guess much hasn't changed"

" Hanson!" exclaimed Fuller, " Now I'm trying here, you obviously have some issues you need to work out. Some issues that are making you act like a very different Tom Hanson to the one I am used to dealing with"

" So get used to dealing with it!" cried Hanson angrily, " Maybe none of you ever knew me in the first place. Penhall sure didn't! Maybe I'm more like the kids we spend all our time busting than like my…a cop" Fuller raised an eyebrow at Hanson but said nothing.

" Don't look at me like that" commanded Hanson.

" Go talk to someone Hanson, I don't care if it's the tramp on the corner just please go talk to someone about these problems of yours." said Fuller

" Nice and professional there coach" said Hanson standing to leave, " I'll just go pour my heart out in a public place to some random guy on the street"

" YOU WONT GO TO THE PYSCHATRIST!" yelled Fuller exasperated

" I didn't say I wouldn't I just said I didn't want to!" snapped Hanson.

" SORT YOURSELF OUT HANSON!" roared Fuller finally reaching the end of his tether.

" OK I WILL!" screamed Hanson childishly. He stormed from the office and slammed the door behind him.

" Hanson are you ok?" questioned Judy her eyes wide with concern

" what's it look like?!" cried Hanson a look of fury on his face.

" I was only asking!" retorted Judy

" Well next time don't bother. It ain't worth it" snapped Hanson leaving the chapel. Judy watched him leave with a sorrowful look on her face. Hanson was defiantly self destructing and there wasn't much any of them could do for him until he decided to talk to them.

Hanson was pissed off. He walked down the street angrily glaring at the Christmas displays that were starting to be constructed in the windows of the high street stores. He _hated _this season with a passion and wished he could just go straight from October to February. At least he wouldn't have a constant reminder of his stupidity. Everything he saw reminded him of that night and all the other events both previous and subsequent to his actions. Normally he could just about keep his emotions in check but for some reason this year was so much harder. He pulled his jacket tighter around himself trying to keep warm and continued heading down the street towards his apartment where once again he would be alone; free to be tormented by his own thoughts.

Once he arrived home he went straight into the living room and over to his cd player where he put on his favourite Something Corporate album. He skipped over the tracks until he found the one he was looking for. The guitar riff kicked in alongside the drums and Hanson closed the curtains before flinging himself upon the sofa with his duvet where he then sat in the dark allowing the words to wash over him.

"_On Christmas morning, outside was pouring _

_All was hopeless in this home _

_And no one's speaking, no one creeping_

_to see if she was on the phone_

_And you were quiet, this routine riot _

_is all but practical to me_

_and if we see it, why can't we beat it_

_can we let each other be?_

_Forget December, it won't be better_

_Than I remember it before_

_and this month only, will be so lonely_

_but not so holy anymore_

_New Years Eve came, but nothing had changed_

_all the problems just got worse_

_we sat in silence_

_no routine science could heal the sickness we rehearse_

_and if I'm talking, my words are mocking_

_the deaf ears they have fallen on_

_These words are tainted with years of jaded_

_Innocence that's all but gone_

_Forget December, it won't be better_

_than I remember it before_

_and this month only, will be so lonely_

_But not so holy anymore, anymore, anymore, anymore_

_Forget December, it won't be better_

_than I remember it before_

_And this month only will be so lonely_

_but not so holy anymore_

_Forget December it won't be better_

_than I remember it before_

_a silent night won't feel quite right_

_It's not so silent anymore, anymore, anymore, anymore_

_on Christmas morning, outside was pouring_

_all was hopeless in this home"_

He sat in tears as it ended. He wished to God he could forget December. The track was on repeat so it immediately began again and all the while Hanson sat motionless in the dark remembering. Tomorrow was the 1st December. He sat and all he could think was _Tomorrow the lights have to go up._

He didn't know how long he'd been sitting there when the frantic hammering began on his door. He jumped with a start.

" Hanson! Open the door Hanson" called Doug

" I'm not home" whispered Hanson stupidly

" Come on Tom I know you're in there so just open the door will 'ya?" cried Doug, " I can stand out here all night you know!". Hanson sighed before standing up and going over to the door. He undid the bolts and drew back the chain.

" what?" he questioned

" You gonna let me in?"

" suppose" muttered Hanson opening the door. He walked back over to the sofa and sat down wrapped in his duvet. Penhall observed the dimly lit room to the best of his ability. He could vaguely make out the empty whisky bottles from the night before and he could hear the same song repeating in heavy rotation. Why the hell was Tom playing this same song over and over? It was depressing. Not to mention disturbing and bordering on obsessive.

" Mind if I turn on a light?"

" Leave it off!" cried Hanson panicked, " Just leave everything alone Penhall"

" Hanson you're sitting in the dark surrounded by empty bottles and you want this left that way?"

" I said so didn't I?!" exclaimed Hanson

" Well can we at least change the cd?" enquired Doug

" Listen to me Doug. LEAVE.EVERYTHING.ALONE!" cried Hanson.

" that's it Tom you need help!" cried Doug; marching over to his friend's cd player he yanked the plug from the socket. The song stopped abruptly mid verse.

" PENHALL!" yelled Hanson furiously. he leapt up off the sofa and desperately tried to grasp the plug back off Doug.

" Tommy I'm telling you man SIT DOWN" snapped Doug. He pushed him firmly back onto the sofa.

" Put the song back on Doug!" commanded Hanson stricken.

" what the hell for? So you can sit and wallow in self pity?! No way Tom" cried Doug

" It helps me! Please Penhall, _Please_" begged Hanson choking back tears. He dissolved into sobs and continued to whimper whilst begging his best friend, " _Please_"

" Hanson stop it man, come on stop" pleaded Doug worried. He hated seeing his best friend in such a state. Hanson was normally so controlled over his emotions, " look just tell me what's going on in your head and I _swear _I'll put the song straight back on_"_

" It's nearly December Doug" whispered Hanson through his tears, " It's when I… when I…you know. A-And all I can think about is w-when I did it a-and how m-my mom got re-re-really -" he sobbed harder.

" Ok calm down Tommy"

" Sh-she g-g-got so mad with m-me a-a-and she wouldn't e-even hear m-me out sh-she just d-did what she always did" wept Hanson. "O-only sh-she had t-to m-make him modify it cause sh-she couldn't tie u-up m-my wrists"

" Tom what are you talking about?" cried Doug alarmed.

" sh-she was always letting him tie me up in the basement. Leaving me there f-for days" sobbed Hanson shivering, " W-was so c-c-cold Doug, sc-scared, too m-many sp-spiders and th-things. Used to miss meals a-as well"

" Jesus Christ Tom" murmured Doug horrified. He jumped in alarm when Hanson started retching. He then vomited all over the carpet. Doug rushed over to the kitchen, grabbed a bowl and came running back with it. " Use this!"

Hanson threw up a couple of times into the bowl before lying back against the cushions on the sofa looking extremely pale and shaky.

" You gonna puke again?" asked Doug suspiciously. He did not deal well with sick. Hanson shook his head slowly

" Don't tell" he croaked

" I won't" said Doug softly

" She used to do it herself when my dad wasn't home" said Hanson quietly, " when I was younger I mean. If I was too noisy, or too boisterous or having too much fun. She'd let me out about 15 minutes before my dad finished his shift. Unless he was on the night shift". Hanson gave an involuntary shudder at the memory of the dank, dark basement and of his young self being left there bound to the pipes with copper wire.

_She's walking back up the creaking steps and shutting the door. The last chink of light disappears with her. He hears the lock turn as 9-year-old Tom struggles futilely in an effort to free himself._

" _mom!" he yells straining against the wires which are cutting into his wrists and ankles, " I didn't mean to!"_

" _Thomas Hanson you shut your mouth! I don't wanna hear anymore of your lies" she shrieks from the kitchen. Tom can't make much out in the darkness but he knows there's spiders. He can feel them. He's crying in the dark but no one's coming. No one at all. Even after his dad told him the police were there to catch the bad guys. It seems like days before his mother unlocks the door and comes down the steps to let him go.in reality it's only been 3 hours. He's sleeping by this point. A sharp slap to the side of the head awakens him._

" _Thomas you go upstairs and you go straight to bed you hear me?! Don't let me catch you doing anything like that again!" she commands furiously. she reeks of booze._

" _Wasn't doing anything at all" protests Tom hoarsely. He receives another sharp slap for his insolence._

" _BED NOW!" she screams loosening the restraints. Tom runs helter skelter up the stairs and into his room where he changes and dives into bed under the covers. The light is left on. He drags the covers up to his chin just as he hears his father let himself in. he comes upstairs to say goodnight to Tom just like always._

" _Hey Sport!" he calls cheerfully coming in his son's room. " you ok?" _

_Tom stares at him his soft eyes barely concealing the hurt he has endured this afternoon but somehow he manages to nod._

" _You do anything interesting at school today Tom?" _

_Tom looks up gratefully. He hates being called Thomas and he knows that's why his mother insists on calling him it._

" _I…er…I got in another fight" he whispers defeated. His mother doesn't know about this latest scrape but he's sure she'll find out somehow. Then he'll really be in for it._

" _aw Tommy not again!" _

" _It wasn't my fault honest! This kid started on me dad" Tom panics._

" _What happened this time?" sighs his father_

" _same thing that happens every other time" snaps Tom, " Bigger kids start pushing me around so I fight back. That's fair isn't it?"_

" _It may be fair but it's not necessarily right. The next time some one starts on you just walk away Tommy you hear me?"_

" _Walk away? What if the person picking on you is really big?"_

" _Just walk away Tommy you got that?" repeats Tom SNR_

" _Sure" replies tom as his dad ruffles his hair_

" _Ok time for bed" says his father. He kisses him goodnight before going to turn out the light. As soon as the door is closed Tom dives under his blankets with his torch and sings to himself in a whisper. He doesn't want to admit to himself that he's 9-years-old and afraid of the dark._


	3. Chapter 3

" LET GO!" screamed Hanson awakening violently from his nightmare. Doug grabbed hold of Hanson by his shoulders before he managed to do some serious damage.

" It's alright Tom you were just dreaming" soothed Doug releasing his friend. He sat beside Hanson who was half lying, half sitting on the sofa tangled in his duvet.

" why'd she do it Doug? I was a good kid. I wasn't the best kid but I was still pretty damn good. Ok so I didn't like green beans and sometimes I got into a few fights but _restraining your kid in the basement_?!!" cried Tom; his voice rose a few decibels at the end of his sentence.

" I'm sorry Tom," said Doug sadly, " Didn't you ever tell your dad?"

" I wanted to. I even tried a couple of times. I could never get the words out" said Hanson, " I mean how was I supposed to tell him?"

" I dunno Tom" sighed Doug, " I can't believe you still talk to your mother after all this"

" I don't have a choice!"

" Of course you have a choice" snapped Doug

" No I don't Doug! She'd tell everyone she'd disowned me for what I did as a teenager. She'll wreck my life man! She used to do stuff like that when I was 14. Tell everyone I was like this evil little shit who did drugs and ran riot. She tried telling my dad that once. Only time I ever saw him really yell at her"

" At least he knew you Tom"

" Thing is she kinda knew me too, she knew I had the potential to totally derail. Ironic thing is she pushed me over the edge" said Hanson chewing his thumb nail distractedly, " You know she told my aunt I couldn't come to my cousin's wedding when I was 12 cause I'd got arrested for shop lifting?"

" Tom Hanson - Juvenile delinquent turned cop" laughed Doug. Hanson gave a weak smile.

" That's what some people honestly think Doug" he sighed, " My cousin still thinks I was down in lock up with my dad on her wedding day."

" what happened really?"

" I was friends with this kid who thought we should try harder to fit in with the "cooler" crowd. He stole some crap from the newsagents on a dare. I refused. He got busted and I got a free ride downtown in the back of a black and white when one of my dad's colleagues came to make the bust and recognised me."

" What'd your dad say?" asked Doug

" I think his first words were "save it Tom!" cause he had to come see why I was sitting in the waiting area of the station. Nobody downtown was buying my story that I was just a bystander. They didn't really care my dad was on the force. They'd heard from certain sources I was a snot nosed little punk." recalled Hanson with a small smile. " dad yelled at me a little, told me he was stopping my allowance for wasting police time and then made me go home to go get ready for my cousin's wedding. Only…" he faltered

" Only when you got home, someone down town had phoned your mom hadn't they?" guessed Doug quietly

" Yeah." admitted Hanson, " See it took them a while to locate my dad cause he was on patrol with Charlie when I got brought in so erm they had to phone my mom. Boy was she pissed. I walked through the door, she slapped me across the face _real _hard! Started screaming at me bout how I was an embarrassment and I'd disgraced the family _again_. Said no way was she being shown up at a family event by me. Did her usual trick of locking me in the basement for the duration of the wedding which was about 3 hours. When she got back dad still had about 2 hours left to clock in on his shift so she left me down there. Alone. In the dark." Hanson gazed off into space obviously remembering this trauma.

" Tom?" ventured Doug. Hanson came back to the present swiftly.

" mm?"

" Tell Fuller"

" NO!" cried Hanson panicked, " Doug-I-it took everything just to tell you. Doug I can't!"

" Look Tom being on desk duty on your own right now is not good for you"

" Oh so being undercover with a bunch of teenagers going crazy over the holiday season IS?!" snapped Hanson. He glanced at Doug who was looking slightly hurt, " I'm sorry man. I'm being a jerk lately I know"  
" Hanson?"

"Yeah?"  
" You're always a jerk" said Doug smiling. He glanced at the clock on Hanson's mantelpiece as the digital numbers clicked over to indicate that it was 2am.

" Guess I'm staying here for the night then"

" You ain't sleeping in the same room as me" muttered Hanson

" And why not?!" asked Doug pretending to be offended, " Don't you want to share a room?"

" Dude we're not that type of friends!" cried Hanson

" And all this time I thought we were special friends!"

" there are no special friends in our group" Hanson cracked up laughing.

" Hey genius since when did two people become a group?" asked Doug laughing as equally as hard as his friend.

" You know the more you insult me the more likely I am to kick you outta my apartment don't you?"

" That a threat?"

" Try promise" said Hanson with a smile. " Now get off my couch and let me sleep!"

" ah ok"

" don't mess up my room or I'll kill you!" threatened Hanson as Doug got up to go sleep in his bedroom.

" ok I wont"

" and don't go through my stuff either!" called Hanson shutting his eyes and yawning.

" Would I?" asked Doug smiling slyly from outside Hanson's bedroom door, " Don't worry Tommy I wont touch your magazines in the bottom drawer" . Hanson's eyes snapped open, he picked up a cushion and launched it at his friend.

" you got a sick mind!" he cried.

" What you don't got magazines in there?" asked Doug feigning confusion whilst pausing in the doorway.

" _Goodnight_ Doug!" Hanson rolled over and pulled the duvet over his head. The door to Hanson's room shut and silence descended upon the apartment.

Hanson heard movement at around 6am. He grunted, opened his eyes and looked over the arm of the couch to see Doug standing in the doorway of the kitchen holding a cup of what looked like coffee.

" Good morning sleepy head!" cried Doug cheerfully. He grinned

" mm hmm" groaned Hanson sleepily. He sat up and stretched.

" Nice hair" snickered Doug. Hanson glared at him before running his fingers through his messed up hair trying his best to flatten it. He failed miserably.

" You know there's a reason why you don't come over" he yawned, " I mean how much noise does one person really need to make?!"

" somebody's a little cranky this morning!" called Doug in a sing songy voice.

" well maybe if somebody hadn't been stamping around my kitchen like a herd of unruly elephants at some unearthly hour maybe I'd be in a better mood!" snapped Hanson.

" aw shut up and drink some coffee" said Doug thrusting a cup in his hand. Hanson took a sip and then promptly spat the liquid back out again.

" You call _this _coffee?!" asked Hanson screwing his face up in disgust.

" Oh I'm _sorry_! I'll send it back to the kitchen shall I your majesty?"

" you do that" said Hanson stretching again.

" WATCH IT!" cried Doug as the coffee threatened to overspill the mug due to Hanson's sudden movement. Hanson lowered his arm tentatively mug still in hand.

" why are you still here anyway? I thought you were on a case"

" I was. Me and Booker; we busted the kids yesterday afternoon. They told us everything after knowing us for like 5 minutes" said Doug

" Ah smart guys!" sneered Hanson

" well my case may be over but you are still on desk duty my friend so up,up,up!"

" no,no,no!" retorted Hanson

" pshh you're such a child!"

"Look who's talking!" countered Hanson. He stood up and wrapped his duvet round him before trailing off to the bathroom. He came out 10 minutes later and went to his room. He finally came out dressed in black jeans, a white t-shirt and a green jacket. He had brushed his hair flat and parted it.

" Ah preppy Tom is back" observed Doug

" shut up"

" Now Tom you really should say be quiet Douglas if you expect any results"

" Shut up man"

" ah,ah, ah Tommy that's not right." teased Doug waving his finger in Hanson's face, " say it properly or it wont work!"

" Doug shut the hell up!" cried Hanson giving his friend a withering look.

" that could work" said Doug smiling.

" Come on, I best not be late" snapped Hanson. They arrived at the chapel on time to find Booker and Judy deep in conversation. They paused when they saw the duo enter.

" You ever get that feeling?" asked Doug turning to Hanson

" The one where you know people are talking about you behind your back?" guessed Hanson subtly

" That's the one"

" Guys relax!" cried Booker, " The world doesn't revolve around you and your pretty little partner there"

" You're a laugh a minute Book" snapped Hanson walking over to his desk. He turned " Oh and don't call me _pretty_!"

" Aw he's so modest" cooed Booker sarcastically. Hanson sat down at his desk and buried himself in paperwork.

" asshole" he muttered

" I heard that Hanson!"

" Hey Booker why don't you lay off him?" snapped Doug menacingly glaring at Booker from his own desk.

" oooh and I thought Tommy could fight his own battles!" scoffed Booker

" STOP CALLING ME THAT!" yelled Hanson furiously looking up from his paperwork.

" whatever" muttered Booker rolling his eyes.

" You know Hanson you're being a real jerk lately!" snapped Judy suddenly.

" Why don't you tell someone who gives a damn?" replied Hanson harshly. He looked at Judy who was looking back at him astonished and hurt. Hanson opened his mouth to apologise and then thought better of it. She was the one who was siding with Booker against him. Doug was the only one who gave a crap.

" screw you Hanson!" snapped Judy her voice shaking. She got up and stormed from the office. Doug looked after her worriedly and bit his lip. He shot glances between his partner and the departing detective. He stayed where he was though. After all his loyalties _were_ to Tom.


	4. Chapter 4

" way to go asshole" snapped Booker following Judy

" Hey man you don't even know what you're talking about!" yelled Hanson. He looked at Doug.

" Too harsh?" he asked

" Maybe" replied Doug.

" Damn it!" cried Hanson slamming his hand off the desk.

" Look Tom if you just told them"

" NO DOUG!" shouted Hanson angrily

" man will you _listen_?! If you'd tell them then maybe they'd be a bit more understanding" snapped Doug

" Doug I am not telling anyone what happened ok? Especially not _Dennis Booker_ That is my business and it is _private!_" spat Hanson

" Hanson this stuff is eating you up inside! Just talk to Fuller!"

" PENHALL!" yelled Hanson furiously , " read my lips ok? I.AM.NOT.TELLING.A.SOUL!"

" But _why_? Tom you could tell me why not them?"

" You know why Doug!"snapped Hanson, " It's unsaid but you _know_. Think about it man!"

" What's unsaid?"

"Are you really gonna make me spell it out?!" sighed Hanson

" No but it wouldn't hurt to hear you say it once in a while. Go on just say it" teased Doug, " It's not hard, just say Doug I tell you everything because we are best friends"

" Shut up Doug." said Hanson , " You think I should go find Judy?"

" She's with Booker"

" Ok let me rephrase my question; Do you think I should go _rescue _Judy?"

" Your call Hanson" answered Doug. Hanson got up from his desk and wandered out of the office in the direction he had seen Booker and Judy go earlier. He stopped outside the entrance to the basement and bit his lip. He could hear voices which unmistakeably belonged to Booker and Hoffs but no way was he going down there. He stood by the ajar door and listened.

" I just don't get it Dennis, I mean why's he being such a jerk?"

" How the hell am I supposed to know Jude. He's always been a jerk to me. I mean it's Hanson!" replied Booker. Hanson frowned from the top of the stairs. Booker didn't even know him!

" It's just Hanson's normally so sweet you know?"

" yeeuch pass me the sick bucket please!" snapped Booker pretending to gag, " Jude the guy's not a saint you know. He's got imperfections. I mean sure I guess he can be sweet but hell He can be a moody, sarcastic little shit as well you know"

Hanson's jaw nearly hit the floor. He hated Booker;loathed him with a passion but of everyone at Jump Street it was Booker who clicked. It was Booker who realised that Hanson wasn't perfect and he didn't seem to expect him to be either. On the flip side he realised he could be a nice guy as well.

" Hanson wha-"

" Shhhhhh!" hissed Hanson swiftly silencing Doug who had followed him.

" Hanson man Fuller-"

" did you not hear me shush you?!" whispered Hanson sharply

" But Fuller's about to come in and there's no one in the office!" blurted Doug rapidly before Hanson could shush him again. Hanson looked at him blankly. Then he turned back to eavesdropping.

" HANSON!" snapped Penhall

" Doug! You're gonna get us found out!" whined Hanson

" Hanson Please will you just go back to the office? Fuller's gonna kill us man" pleaded Doug

" Good morning gentlemen" announced Fuller dryly. He had walked in unnoticed whilst the pair had been busy arguing. Hanson let out a squeak of surprise which was covered by Doug's nervous laughter.

" Would one of you mind telling me what the hell you are doing?!"

" Erm..see..Booker and..um" stammered Doug

" Yeah Judy..um" stuttered Hanson also faltering for a cover up story.

" SAVE IT! NOW YOU HAVE EXACTLY 30 SECONDS TO FILL MY CURRENTLY EMPTY DEPARTMENT WITH UNDERCOVER OFFICERS!" snapped Fuller furiously

" Ok" answered the officers simultaneously.

" Penhall come with me and Hanson you go find Booker, Hoffs and Ioki. If you're not back in 30 seconds you're for it and I'd think that YOU of all people would want to avoid that!" snapped Fuller

" Captain can't Doug g-"

" STOW IT HANSON! YOU'VE BEEN GIVEN AN ORDER NOW FOLLOW IT!" he turned on his heel and stormed down the corridor with Doug following behind sheepishly.

" Doug!" called Hanson desperately. He let out a shaky breath as he turned to face the basement door. With a trembling hand he grasped the door knob and pushed it fully open.

" B-Booker? J-Judy?!" he called his voice betraying the fear he felt. He stepped tentavily onto the first stair and shuddered as he was engulfed in the dimness. He could hear Booker and Judy whispering rapidly from somewhere down the stairs and across in the furtherst corner of the basement.

He clutched the railing and walked slowly down the stairs his knees shaking.

" J-Judy!" he called again. He reached the bottom step and gulped. _this is the chapel basement. This isn't your mother's house and the door isn't locked. You're not a teenager anymore and You can leave anytime you want. Nobody is going to hurt you down here._ Hanson desperately tried to lay his fears to rest with logical thinking. So far it wasn't working.

" B-Booker, Come on Judy this ain't funny!" called Hanson nervously. He could feel the walls closing in. he took some more shaky steps in the direction he had heard hushed voices from earlier. Silence had descended upon the darkened basement by this point.

Hanson let out a scream of pure terror when he felt something grab him from behind. He struggled wildly in a vice like grip before the lights were rapidly switched on. His body went limp as he saw Judy standing by the light switch with her hand over her mouth desperately trying not to laugh. He felt Booker release him and without thinking he turned and punched him as hard as he could in the stomach. Booker doubled over in pain clutching his stomach completely winded.

"Bastards!" seethed Hanson. His face was wet with a mixture of sweat and tears. He was mortified to discover that he had cried in front of these two.

" gee Hanson it was just a joke!" murmered Judy softly.

" Well it wasn't funny!" yelled Hanson his voice cracking. He turned on his heel and ran up the stairs. He grasped the railing at the top stair and gasped for breath whilst trying to choke back the nausea he felt rising in his stomach.

" Are you ok dennis?" he heard Judy mutter softly. Hanson turned just in time to see Judy pull Booker into a passionate embrace. He ran down the corridor and into the men's room where he promptly threw up.

He heard the door open as he was crouched on his knees in one of the stalls. He wiped his mouth with his sleeve and looked up to see Booker standing there.

" Hanson look-"

" Fuck off!" spat Hanson bitterly

" Is this about Judy hugging me?" began Booker

" NO THIS IS ABOUT YOU BEING A FUCKING ASSHOLE !" screamed Hanson cutting him off furiously

" if you have feelings for Judy you should've said"

" I DO NOT HAVE FEELINGS FOR HER!" yelled Hanson astonished. How had this come about? He thought of Judy as nothing more than a friend. Scratch that - he _used _to think of Judy as a friend until she deserted him and sided with Dennis Booker.

" So why'd you punch me back there?" asked Booker confused

" cause you fucking grabbed hold of me you stupid bastard!" swore Hanson

" Wasn't your reaction a tad over the top?"

" I don't like being touched alright?! Especially not in the dark!" snapped Hanson angrily

" you must be great in the bedroom" quipped Booker lewdly. Hanson glared at him.

" Just Go away!"

" Make me!" retorted Booker childishly, " Look Hanson you're being a right jerk to everyone lately and it's undeserved"  
" I don't think so" scoffed Hanson, " Besides me and Penhall are getting along fine"

" That's cause you and Penhall are like little lap dogs following each other around obeying every whim and kissing each others asses!" snapped Booker

" Fuck you Booker you don't even know what's going on!" cried Hanson standing up and roughly shoving past him.

He stormed out of the bathroom and into the office. Fuller looked up from his conversation with Doug.

" where the hell have you been Hanson?!"

" I wasn't feeling too good" muttered Hanson. Fuller glanced him over. The young officer didn't look so hot. His hair was messy and his face was deathly pale. He looked clammy and ill.

" Well sit at your desk, do some light paperwork and get a glass of water" suggested Fuller.

" I'll get it!" offered Doug enthusiastically. He came over to Hanson's desk with a glass of tap water and leaned against his partner's desk.

" You ok man?" he asked quietly. Hanson looked up with a glance that clearly meant "what-do-you-think?!"

" Had to go in the basement to find them two" explained Hanson shakily as he indicated Booker and Judy who had entered the office just after Hanson. They were getting a serious talking to from Fuller.

" yeah I know I'm sorry Tom I would have gone but Fuller you know he-"

" Don't worry bout it, wasn't your fault" muttered Hanson, " He grabbed me"

" What? Who grabbed you?"

" In the basement. It was dark and Booker he snuck up behind me and grabbed me" whispered Hanson, " Scared the hell out of me" He wiped his face self consciously.

" why'd he grab you?"

" Cause he's a fucking tosser!" snarled Hanson, " Judy and her new beau thought it would be _funny_!"

" whoa whoa whoa! Judy and BOOKER?!" cried Doug his face displaying a mixture of hurt and astonishment.

" Looked that way to me" muttered Hanson. He looked up at his friend who was glaring in Booker's direction.

" what?" he questioned

" Nothing" replied Doug stonily. He turned back to Hanson who was glancing up at him worriedly.

" Come on man havent you got your own problems to worry about?"  
" A problem shared is a problem halved" said Hanson, " C'mon Doug you have to sit and listen to all my crap, the least I can do is repay the favour. What's up?"

" Just erm Judy said she never wanted to be involved with a guy at Jump Street" muttered Doug.

Hanson glanced at his partner slightly confused; then it slowly dawned upon him.

" You have a thing for Judy!" he cried excitedly

" HANSON!" cried Doug horrified. He clapped his hand over Hanson's mouth.

" Dowg youm mhave to let me bweathe" said Hanson his words muffled.

" what?" questioned Doug removing his hand

" you have to let me breathe!"

" Not if you spill my secrets round the office" threatened Doug

" Ok I'm not gonna tell anyone am I?" laughed Hanson. He paused for a moment, " so did you kiss her?"  
" Hanson!"

" What I'm only asking!"

" Hanson!" warned Doug again.

" man you're no fun!" exclaimed Hanson defeated. Doug gave him a look.

" Ok Ok Don't cry about it!" teased Hanson. Doug punched him on the shoulder lightly enough that he didn't cause Hanson some serious damage but hard enough so it hurt.

" I'm telling Fuller you're bullying me!" cried Hanson

" Pssh what's he gonna do? Call me in his office and Put me under chapel arrest?!" sneered Doug. It was an ongoing joke between the two officers.

" PENHALL!" yelled Fuller. Both officers looked up in surprise.

" I'm not really bullying him!"

" He is really"

" I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR YOUR STUPIDITY!"

Hanson exchanged a questioning look with Doug who just shook his head.

" You are meant to be doing paperwork Hanson! And Penhall I'm sure you can think of something more constructive to do then distracting him!"

" Who says I'm distracting Hanson?! Maybe he's distracting me?" protested Doug  
" Dude if you're gonna lie at least make it look like you were doing some work to start with" muttered Hanson.

" Thank you Hanson!" cried Fuller. Hanson looked at the captain confused.

" Thank you for what?" he asked

" It was sarcasm!" snapped Fuller exasperated, " Now shut the hell up and do some work the pair of you!"

" why's he always picking on us?" muttered Doug . Hanson shook his head frantically and then cringed visibly as Fuller rounded on his friend.

" all time wasters get treated the same in this office Douglas!" snapped Fuller furiously. Doug tried his hardest not to smile as Hanson mouthed the familiar words along with their captain. Doug went to his desk and got on with some work whilst religiously keeping a sly eye on his best friend . although he was trying his hardest to fool the office into thinking he was fine, Doug knew Hanson was really cut up and plagued by the torturous memories going round and round in his head.

" hey Tom you wanna do something tonight" asked Judy cautiously from her desk. She shot a quick look in Booker's direction.

" Not with you" said Hanson not looking up from the form he was filling in.

" Come on Tom I'm sorry bout before"

" Stop calling me Tom, it makes me feel weird hearing you call me it" replied Hanson still refusing to look up.

" Ok _Hanson_" said Judy pointedly

" I'm not going anywhere or doing anything with you tonight" said Hanson, " I have plans"

" With Penhall?" asked Booker. Hanson looked up and shot him an icy stare.

" No actually I have plans including me and my music collection" he replied. The rest of the office looked at him confused.

" Plans with your _music collection_?!"

" Problem with that Book?"

" Not at all Thomas" sneered Booker.

Hanson's face paled. Doug made a huge pretence of searching for a paper on his desk before hurrying over.

" Here Hanson I found the report you were looking for" he lied fluently, " C'mon we best go check it over"

Hanson got up and followed Doug out of the chapel. They sat in the car park on the hood of Hanson's mustang.

" You ok?" questioned Doug

" Yeah. Just Booker's messing with my head" replied Hanson softly. " it's like he's Jack and my mother rolled into one. I mean first he grabbed me in the basement, then he was teasing me about you then he's calling me _Thomas_"

" what's the deal with Thomas?"

" My mom she calls me it all the time. Knows I hate it. She only calls me Tommy when we have company. Likes to give the impression she's a good mother" muttered Hanson.

" oh right"

" Yeah so erm don't call me it" said Hanson quietly.

" I won't Tom" said Doug sensitively. Hanson smiled at him gratefully, " So what exactly are you doing tonight?"

" Putting up the Christmas lights" replied Hanson simply, " come on we best go back in before Fuller comes out to bust our asses for not working" he slid off the bonnet of his car and walked back in the chapel accompanied by Doug.

" you want some help tonight" asked doug lightly

" Nah I can manage" replied Hanson smiling sitting at his desk. He saw Booker nudge Judy in the ribs from the corner of his eye and bit his lip. Booker was really getting to him. He watched the clock on tenter hooks waiting for it to be 5pm and time for him to clock off.


	5. Chapter 5

As soon as the second hand ticked over to indicate he was free Hanson shot out of the office not even waiting for Doug. Tonight was important.

He let himself in and threw his jacket on the sofa. He groaned when he saw the mess his apartment was in as a result of the last few nights. He busied himself clearing away the empty bottles and cans and put his duvet back on his bed. He opened the curtains and vacuumed before going into his room to find the Christmas lights.He crawled under his bed and felt around for the box. Triumphantly he came out clutching the battered box. Hanson opened it and stared at the dusty lights encased in Styrofoam lovingly. That look quickly faded from his face when he noticed they were once again knotted up and he had no doubt that one of the fuses, if not all of them, would be in need of replacements.

" Stupid Hanson family curse" He snapped, " Every damn year" . He went into the front room taking the lights with him. He bundled them onto the floor and sat crosslegged with the tangle in front of him. Hanson carefully started untying the wires a look of pure concentration on his face. He sighed and got up to put some music on. He instictintavly went to grab a Christmas album and then thought better of it. It probably wouldn't do him much good right now. He picked up some cheesy 80s compilation and wacked it in the cd player.

Halfway through the cd Hanson heard a knock on the door. He had a pretty good idea who it would be

" It's open!" he called. His suspicions were confirmed when Doug came in. Doug stared in confusion at the scene unfolding before him. Hanson was sat still crosslegged on the floor but had multi coloured lights draped around himself as he desperately tried to untangle them all. Loud music was playing and he surveyed it all thankful that at least Hanson had stopped playing Forget December. Instead he appeared to be playing We close our eyes over and over.

" _we close our eyes, we never lose a game- imagination never lets us take the blame_" blasted out of the speakers. Hanson looked up at Doug.

" Need some help?" asked Doug

" No I'm good" smiled Hanson unpicking another knot. He tutted with frustration as he found yet another knot beneath it.

" Are you sure you couldn't use some help?"

" Doug leave me to it. I have to do this it's tradition!" cried Hanson. He grinned triumphantly as he revealed a knot free string of lights before jumping up excitedly and plugging them in. He groaned when all the lights glowed bar the yellow ones. He unplugged them again and started twisting all the protective caps off the offending colour.

" You do this every year?" enquired Doug trying not to laugh. He couldn't believe he'd never seen this "tradition" in nearly 3 years of knowing Hanson.

" Yes, every year without fail" replied Hanson changing the bulbs. He jumped up and plugged them in again. He grinned ecstatically when all of the lights glowed up.

" Now what you gonna do with them?" asked Doug curiously. It was nice to see Hanson happy especially considering all the turmoil he was obviously going through at the moment.

" Now? Now I'm gonna hang them up round the window and then I turn them all on." said Hanson breathless with excitement. Doug smiled. Hanson was acting just like a kid and all it took was some fairy lights. He watched as Hanson hung them decoratively around his window sill and switched them on. The lights really did look beautiful. Hanson basked in their familiar glow lost in a million memories of both good and bad.

" _Tom can you come down here please?" calls Tom SNR straining his voice to be heard above the thrashing guitar he can hear coming from his son's room. There's no reply._

" _TOM!" he bellows. The thrashing abruptly stops and 14-year-old Tom appears at the top of the stairs._

" _What Dad?" he questions moodily. _

" _Are you coming to help me put up the lights?" _

" _Do I have to?!" whines Tom a look of disdain on his face. He has to act like he's uninterested or his mother will surely ruin everything for him. The small mercy of his father being home is that at least he wont be getting locked in the basement anytime soon. _

" _well no Tom you don't HAVE to, it'd just be nice if you actually communicated with a member of the family is all" says his dad_

" _I communicate!" snaps Tom, " Fine I'll come help you with the stupid lights!" he stomps down the stairs and into the living room before flinging himself on the sofa, arms folded in the classic pose of a rebellious teen._

_His dad follows him in and starts untangling the lights. He turns to Tom._

" _are you gonna help or just sit and mope?" he enquires. Tom glances at the doorway making sure his mother's nowhere near._

" _I'll help" he agrees quietly. He kneels on the floor beside his father and starts to unknot the wires carefully._

" _What were you doing up there anyway?" askes his dad in reference to the noise_

" _Just listening to some music" replies Tom. He's enjoying just being with his dad, normally he has to work all the time. He still manages to say goodnight to Tom every night though. Tom kinda wishes he wouldn't his mom just gets at him for it._

" _THOMAS!" screams his mother suddenly from the kitchen. His heart rate increases by about a million beats a minute. He gets up and goes into the kitchen heavy with dread. _

" _yeah?" he mumbles. His mouth is dry and he feels sick._

" _Are you having fun in there?" she asks sweetly. Tom doesn't have to turn around to know his father's standing in the doorway._

" _yes" murmers Tom his eyes downcast. He hates her with all his heart. She could leave him alone while his father's home. She could stop playing mind games with him for 5 minutes. She won't though and the worst is yet to come._

" Earth to Hanson!" cried doug waving his hand in front of his buddy's face. Hanson blinked violently before focusing in on his friend.

" Sorry, zoned out" he aplogised. Doug peered at him his face full of concern.

" stop looking at me like that doug!" cried Hanson self consciously. He realised the music was still blasting and went to turn it off. Doug watched him like a hawk, he could tell by the slump of Hanson's shoulders exactly how bad he was feeling.

" come on Hanson gimme a break. How do you expect me to look at you after everything you've been confiding in me lately?" asked doug

" You'd be looking at me a lot more if I told you everything" muttered Hanson under his breath.

" what was that Tom" snapped Doug

" I said ok" lied Hanson. He raised his voice , " ok you're worried about me and you're gonna spend every _second _of every _day_ watching me" doug looked at him in surprise

" Come on Penhall don't think I haven't noticed. You've been watching my every move for days now!" snapped Hanson

" That's only cause I'm worried about you Tom!" cried Doug. Hanson looked at the floor

" I know, it's just - it's just it makes me feel….weird"

" weird how?"

" Just weird" muttered Hanson tugging on his shirt sleeves. He scratched self consciously at his wrist.

" stop that!" cried Doug. Hanson put his hands by his sides immediately; duly chastised.

" Jesus Tom!"

" I didn't realise I was doing it ok?!" protested Hanson, " sometimes I just get freaked out". He walked over to the sofa and sat down. He ran his fingers through his hair and sighed. Doug came over and sat beside him.

" Listen Tom, You've been through some shit and I get that but there's something you're not telling me here. There's something more than just being restrained in the basement by your pyscho mother and her jerk of a boyfriend. I mean you told me that she was doing stuff like that to you when you were a little kid. Why'd you try…you know…when you were seventeen?"

" Cause I couldn't take it Doug. I couldn't take it" whispered Hanson, " It was so hard. She was beating on me, he was beating on me. They were thinking up these sadistic little punishments together….I-I just wanted out doug"

" sadistic punishments? You mean they did more than the basement thing?" asked Doug his eyes wide. Hanson nodded slowly.

" There..erm…there was this girl I liked called Melissa. In 11th grade." began Hanson quietly. Doug looked at his friend in confusion but decided to let Hanson keep on with his story. At least he was trying to open up about the demons so obviously plaguing him.

" she ..er..she really liked me back and we went steady for ages. See my dad, he died a few weeks after my 16th birthday so I was still figuring stuff out. She was real good to me" Hanson paused and took a deep breath.

" You ok?"

" Yeah. I'm alright" replied Hanson his voice shaking, " See me and Melissa we got real close over winter break. She was great at making me feel normal. She didn't keep interrogating me, she didn't think I was weird and she didn't think I needed to be tiptoed round just cause dad got murdered. So erm one night after school she came home with me and I took her up in my room. We got a bit carried away making out and erm..you know" he blushed. Doug smiled.

" Bless hanson's first-"

" don't even say it!" cried Hanson his face flushed. He paused and then snapped at his friend , " who says she was…first.. anyway?!"

" well was she?"

" Doug!" cried Hanson embarrassed

" ok ok sorry" laughed Doug. He saw the look on Hanson's face, " Really Tom I'm sorry"

" Ok. So e-erm me and Mel we were together and then my mom she walked in and caught us"

" That's not good"

" Understatement of the fucking century" said Hanson, " She started screaming at Mel. Me and Mel we're rapidly trying to get dressed and my mom she's screaming and screaming. J-just screaming"

" so Mel she gets ready and she high tails it outta there. doesn't even say goodbye just leaves and my mom she's still screaming only now Mellisa's gone she starts hitting me. Hitting me over the head, round the face, busts my lip" babbled Hanson his voice strained, " I'm bleeding and I can't fight back cause she's my mom and I didn't even _do _anything wrong!"

" but er my mom she thinks I've sinned so erm I need to be punished. So she locks me down in the basement again. Sh-she leaves me there til Jack comes home. H-He came in a-a-and" Hanson covered his face with his hands.

" What did he do to you Tom?" asked Doug through clenched teeth. He knows something bad happened he can feel it.

_Hanson sees it all clearly. He's tied to the pipes and jack comes into the basement. _

" _Heard about what you did today you little shit" he rasps glowering at Tom. Tom stares back a look of determination on his bruised face. He glares sullenly, his heart racing. Jack comes over to him and strokes his hair. Tom flinches._

" _Don't touch me!" spits Tom furiously._

" _sorry Tommy it's on your mommy's orders" sneers Jack, " She sent me down here to teach you a little lesson" _

" _DON'T CALL ME THAT!" yells Tom lividly. He struggles wildly against the wires that bind him._

" _See Tommy, your mommy tells me you've been getting a little too close to Mellisa lately" sneers Jack, " and you know that's bad don't you? Very bad. You've upset your poor mother something awful and she wants me to get you to promise you wont ever do anything as dreadful as that again." Tom glares at him silently_

" _did you like it Tommy? Was it nice, your first time?" _

" _Shut up!" cries Tom furiously his eyes shimmering with tears._

" _No no Tommy, see this is all part of your lesson." says Jack, " I'm going to make you promise your mommy you wont get close to Melissa for a very long time"_

" _You can't stop me" snaps tom_

" _Oh but see that's where you're wrong Tommy, I can make it so you never want to see Melissa again" says Jack taking a step closer, " You wont even want to kiss her let alone touch her". He strokes a finger along the side of Tom's face. Tom flinches backwards but he's cornered now. Jack's so close that Tom's backed against the wall. Jack reaches up and undoes the binds restraining the boy but before Tom can try and run he can feel rough hands on him. All over him. Invading and violating him. _

" What did he do to you Tom?" repeats Doug worriedly.

" H-he raped me" whispers Hanson. He breaks down and his bitter sobs echo throughout the apartment.


	6. Chapter 6

Doug just stared appalled. Hanson sat on the sofa his shoulders shaking with anguish and torment.

" I t-t-told him to stop, I-I-I told him, I told h-h-him, I really did!" wailed Hanson. His words were barely coherent he was sobbing so hard, " why wouldn't he Doug? Why wouldn't he?"

" Tom I-I don't know" stuttered Doug. He was reeling from the shock. What the _hell_ was he supposed to do?! How was he supposed to go about helping his best friend who had just confessed to being raped by his mother's boyfriend at the age of 16?

" Why?!" demanded Hanson again his voice strained. He let out another sob. The floodgates into his past had been well and truly opened and there was nowhere left for Hanson to run from the memories. His sobbing intensified at this realisation. Doug stared in alarm.

" Tom, come on Tom, please calm down" he begged. He went to pat his friend soothingly on the shoulder but Hanson flinched violently at his touch.

" No, don't! Don't!" sobbed Hanson scrambling off the sofa out of Doug's reach, " Don't touch me!"

" ok Tom, I won't touch you" soothed Doug, " See I'll stay right here". He indicated the sofa he was still sat on. Hanson looked at him his vision blurred with unshed tears.

" I-I wanted to die Doug. I wanted to die" stuttered Hanson through his tears, " every time I closed my eyes…I-I-I can st-still see it happening, f-f-feel it h-happening"

" Hurts so bad. So very bad" he continued his voice barely above a whisper. His voice rose in both volume and pitch. " NO ONE CAME! NO ONE!"

" how could anybody know Tom?" asked Doug softly his heart breaking for Hanson.

" THEY'RE SUPPOSED TO CATCH THE BAD GUYS!" screamed Hanson, " THAT'S WHAT THEY DO AND NOBODY CAME! I SUFFERED ALL ALONE AND NOBODY CAME. SHE WAS ALLOWED TO TREAT ME LIKE SHIT, HE WAS ALLOWED TO TAKE MY PRIDE, MY DIGNITY, _MY SELF RESPECT…._NO ONE CAME! I WENT INTO SCHOOL WITH BRUISES AND SCARS. I MOPED AND WITHDREW AND NO ONE DID A FUCKING THING! WHY DID NOBODY CARE ABOUT ME?!"

" Don't be stupid Tom of course people cared about you. Your dad cared about you"

" THEN WHY DID HE LEAVE ME?!" cried Hanson, " HE LEFT ME DOUG, HE SHOULDN'T HAVE DONE THAT I _NEEDED_ HIM!"

" Do you honestly think he left you by _choice?!_" replied Doug trying to restore rationality to his distraught friend, " Tom if he could've, he'd have come back you know he would! He didn't leave you at that prom thinking he was going to go get shot"

" Why didn't _anybody_ help me?!" cried Hanson his voice husky from both sobbing and screaming, " No one helped me Doug, no one h-helped me. No one". He roughly wiped away the tears with his sleeve but was unable to prevent the fresh convulsion of sobs from racking through his body.

" I know Tom, I know" whispered Doug. He could see Hanson was near hysteria and if he didn't do something soon his friend had the potential to completely and utterly lose it; putting both himself and Doug in potential danger. He got up and tried to calm hanson down with a friendly hug. Hanson struggled wildly and tripped. He ended up in a heap on the floor, tears streaming down his face with Doug on top of him pinning him to the floor. Hanson kicked out blindly, struggling ferociously.

" Stop it Tom!" commanded Doug forcefully, " You're getting hysterical now just stop it!"

" GET OFF!" shouted Hanson violently. He struggled frantically in Doug's grip.

" Hanson I swear to God you calm down and I let you go straight away"

" LET GO NOW!" screamed Hanson kicking angrily. Doug, sensing that his actions were enraging Hanson further, got up and took a step back preparing himself for Hanson's reaction. He wasn't disappointed. Hanson scrambled up and started hitting Doug in the chest. He could hit hard but Doug wasn't fazed by it. Doug was stronger than Hanson so he couldn't really do much damage to him.

" I HATE YOU! I HATE YOU! YOU BASTARD!" yelled hanson pummelling him furiously. Doug just let him swing madly. Hanson stopped attacking Doug as quickly as he had started. He sunk to the floor and sat crying tears of rage.

" You ok?" asked Doug softly

" Y-You p-p-pinned me down!" wept Hanson bitterly, " W-w-why'd you do that?!"

" You were getting hysterical Tom, I was scared you were gonna do some damage"

" I hate it Doug, I hate it, I hate it!" sobbed Hanson, " I hate them and I-I hate m-m-me"

" You didn't do anything wrong Tom, you were 16 for christ sakes" snapped Doug fiercly, " It was that sick bastard who's in the wrong. Don't blame yourself Tom"

" I-I should've d-done something" cried Hanson, " I sh-should've f-f-f-fought back"

" You were just a kid Tom"

" I should've done something" repeated Hanson shakily, " I should've done s-something"

" You couldn't have known what he was gonna do Tom, you couldn't have fought back, you couldn't have stopped him no matter how hard you tried"

" I didn't even try" sobbed Hanson, " I should have tried" He sat staring into space tears trickling down his face.

" Tom?"

" I wanna go to sleep" whispered Hanson suddenly his tears beginning to subside, " I wanna forget"

" ok" replied Doug agreeably. He headed towards the door.

" Doug?" called Hanson quietly. Doug turned and looked at him. He was still sat hunched up in the corner looking small and helpless.

" I'm so scared" whispered Hanson. He looked up at his friend through startled brown eyes.

" Please don't go, Please," he begged

" Ok, it's ok Tom ,you go to bed and I'll stay here" soothed Doug. Hanson looked up before slowly standing and walking shakily into his room. He got changed into his pyjamas and climbed into bed.

Doug lay on the sofa worrying about Hanson. Eventually he fell asleep but Hanson was not so lucky. He tossed and turned in his bed, his head pounding. Everytime he closed his eyes he relived his personal nightmares from the years gone by.He got out of bed quietly and snuck into the kitchen silently so not to wake Doug.

Doug woke at approximately 4am and went into the kitchen to get a glass of water. He stopped dead in his tracks when he saw Hanson slumped over the kitchen table an open bottle of painkillers beside his motionless body.

" Oh please God no!" he swore under his breath. He rushed over to his unconscious friend and shook him savagely.

" Wake up Tom, come on man WAKE UP!" yelled Doug panicking. Hanson's eyes flickered open slowly. Doug slapped him sharply across the cheek.

" YOU STUPID BASTARD HOW MANY DID YOU TAKE?!" screamed Doug furiously

" wha-" murmered Hanson disorientated and reeling from the sharp shock. The left side of his face was completely scarlet.

" HOW MANY DID YOU TAKE?!" screamed Doug repeatedly. He grabbed Hanson by the collar of his t-shirt and shook him vigorously

" I-I t-took two" stammered Hanson, " J-Just two"

Doug released him swiftly before sinking into one of the kitchen seats.

" For fucks sake Hanson, Don't ever fucking do that to me again!" spat Doug furiously his eyes filling with tears.

" I had a headache, took some painkillers, fell asleep" muttered Hanson as a way of explanation. He looked in confusion at Doug who was crying softly, " Why are you so upset?"

" I thought you were dead you idiot!" snapped Doug roughly drying his eyes.

" Don't call me an idiot" said Hanson rubbing his cheek, " And don't hit me like that again. It really hurt"

" Sorry but I thought you'd OD'd" snapped Doug harshly, " I had to make you wake up somehow"

" I would never OD!" cried Hanson indigantly, " I tried suicide once I'm not stupid enough to try it again ok? God Doug you really don't trust me do you?!"

" No Hanson, no I don't!" snapped Doug, " But do you blame me?! I can see you withdrawing from everyone, see you falling into the depths of despair"

" WOULDN'T YOU?!" shouted Hanson interrupting, " Do you know what it's like Doug? Do you?! To see his leering face every time you try to sleep, to feel his hands all over, feel his disgusting breath on the back of your neck and to know all this time while you're dying inside that your own mother is sitting in the kitchen hearing you cry, hearing this, this _torture _and you know, you _know_ that she told him to do it! SHE GAVE HIM PERMISSION!"

" And you know what happens after it's finished?! After every scrap of dignity has been stolen from you? After he's taken your pride and self respect? Do you know what he does then? DO YOU?!" continued Hanson furiously.

" no" said doug quietly staring at his friend stricken.

" HE LAUGHS! HE LAUGHS AND ASKS HOW IT WAS!" screamed Hanson irately. He got up and flung the chair he was sitting on against the cupboard and watched the wood splinter.

" How was it Tom, Did you like it Tom?!" he screamed picking up kitchen cutlery and hurling it to the floor. Doug watched the plates shatter as Hanson tore the kitchen apart in a fit of pure rage. He didn't even waste his energy or breath trying to calm him down this time. Hanson would go mad if he was physically restrained again. He watched Hanson open cupboards and get glasses and cutlery out for the sole purpose of throwing them around the kitchen.

" I HATE YOU!" screamed Hanson sending glasses flying against the back wall. Glass shattered everywhere. Doug knew the hatred wasn't directed at him but he was still slightly nervous. What did he do if Hanson refused to calm down?

" FUCK!" screamed Hanson. He spat out a string of curses incoherently as he tore the kitchen apart. He slumped down in the corner amongst the mess of splintered wood, shattered glass and jagged pieces of plates and cutlery, his hands bloodied, he repeatedly punched the nearby cupboard until the blood merged into a mess of bruises. Doug stared. He'd never seen Hanson so violent before. Eventually Hanson stopped and just sat, his knees hunched up to his chest, his breathing ragged and deliberate as he stared at the mess he'd created. He let out a howl of despair before burying his face in his arms and dissolving once again into sobs of dismay. Doug got up hurriedly and came and sat beside him, Hanson clung to him like a child; he needed to feel that someone could save him from drowning in the madness of his past.

" she let him do it to me, she let him" he sobbed into Doug's jacket. Doug pulled him into an embrace and Hanson let him.

" It's gonna be alright Tom, It's gonna be ok" soothed Doug softly

" No it's not" wept Hanson his words muffled by Doug's jacket, " It'll never go away. None of it will. God must really hate me"

" Tom nobody hates you" said Doug releasing Hanson to look at him in order to stress his point, " Nobody"

" My mom does" replied Hanson stifling another sob, " She doesn't care about me. What did I do that was so bad Doug? What did I do?!"

" _You_ didn't do anything Tom"

" I let them break me down" cried Hanson, " I let him see me cry"


	7. Chapter 7

**Ok before the chapter starts I just want to take this opportunity to thank my loyal reviewers such as Goodnightmysweetprince and everyone because you help me make my stories so much better. I particularly want to take the time to reply to the anon review left by survivor. I was deeply touched by your review I think you are an extremely brave person. I cant imagine how hard it must be for you to read my story and then to write that review. i also want to let you know that if you think my story is in any way disrespectful or anything like that to let me know and I'll sort it. I know you never said anything remotely like that but I'm just letting you know ok. I wish you all the best. Ok people enjoy the chapter.**

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" I let them break me down" cried Hanson, " I let him see me cry"

" Tom you were 16-years-old for Christ sakes and he was a sick perverted bastard working off the orders of a complete and utter pyscho. Hell Tom, you think anyone could go through even half the shit you've been through and not cry?!"

" I shouldn't have let him see me cry" muttered Hanson totally disregarding Doug's logic. He wiped his face with his sleeve, " He knew. They always know" . Doug stared in confusion.

" Know what Tom?" he asked

" How to cause the most pain. How to crush you so you're powerless to fight back." said Hanson softly, " I changed Doug. I changed into someone I wasn't. I turned into this horrible, horrible person"

" what do you mean?" asked Doug bewildered

" I broke this kid's nose once in gym." muttered Hanson, " back in 11th grade. He kept staring at me."

" He kept…oh"

" Yeah. In the changing room. Told him to cut it out. He wouldn't so I flipped.Thumped him real hard in the face. Blood went everywhere and I got suspended." said Hanson. He looked down at his hands and then looked very confused to see the bruises and blood. He surveyed the mess he'd made before shifting his position slightly so that he was no longer as close to Doug.

" I'm such a horrible person"

" No you're not Tom" sighed Doug

" I must be" snapped Hanson, " If I was a good person then my mom she wouldn't have got so mad and Jack he wouldn't have done that. My dad, he wouldn't have left. I mean my mom she had to have a good reason for doing what she did all those years"

" Yeah she did. She's a very sick woman Tom. Very sick" said Doug quietly

" What if it's me?" queried Hanson once again refusing to acknowledge Doug's logical and rational words.

" IT'S NOT YOU! IT NEVER WAS" cried Doug desperately trying to make his friend see sense. He saw Hanson shy away as a result of his outburst. Doug sighed exasperated. He could see he was now going to have to tread remarkably carefully around Tom Hanson. He was withdrawing, becoming a shell of his former self, prone to outbursts of both anger and dismay but at the same time he could be extremely timid and mistrusting.

" Look it's real late Tommy, why don't you go try get some sleep and I'll sort this out" suggested Doug finally. He indicated the kitchen. Hanson looked.

" No, No I can do it, I can do it" he protested standing up hurriedly. He let out a exclamation of pain as his bare foot trod on a shard of glass.

" Siddown Tom" sighed Doug getting up. Hanson hobbled into the front room and sunk onto the sofa. He peered at his foot which was bleeding and drew out the glass carefully.

" ow, ow, ouch!" he muttered. Doug began clearing up silently. Hanson watched him.It was as if he was waiting and preparing himself for sudden movement. Doug glanced up from picking up broken plates and groaned inwardly.

" Tom go to bed ok?" he spoke firmly; as he would to a small child. Hanson glanced back a defiant look upon his pale face.

" Just cause I tell you stuff don't mean you get to talk to me like that" he snapped, " I'm not a kid"

" I know you're not Tom" said Doug calmly, " All I'm saying is that it's late and you haven't slept properly in about three days"

" I can't sleep" whispered Hanson, " I want to. I want to so bad. But I cant escape it there Doug. That's where it all comes back"

" ok, Ok just shut your eyes Tom, lie back and just think of something pleasant" suggested Doug

" Like what?" asked Hanson shooting Doug a strange look. He did as he was told regardless.

" I dunno…" muttered Doug uncomfortably. He carried on clearing up the mess and the next time he glanced over at Hanson he saw that he was lying tucked up in the foetal position with one hand covering his face; clearly sleeping.

" No, No, I didn't mean to, don't please"whimpered Hanson some time later. Doug looked over in alarm. Hanson was still sleeping but obviously in the grip of some nightmare or worse.

" Please make it stop, somebody, anybody, help please". Hanson thrashed around on the sofa in a panic.

Hanson let out an ear piercing scream before sitting bolt upright. His hair was plastered to his head with sweat and his breathing was rapid. He gulped deeply and it was several seconds before his breathing slowed to normal and he focused in on his surroundings. He hugged himself and shuddered. Then before Doug could figure out what to do Hanson leapt off the sofa and ran into the bathroom, slamming the door and pulling the bolt across behind him. The sound of running water could clearly be heard.

_Showering? He's showering in the middle of the night now?_ thought Doug bewildered. He put the rubbish he was holding in the bin and knocked on the bathroom door.

" Tommy, You ok in there?" He asked.

" I'm fine!" cried Hanson. He stepped under the warm water of the shower and started scrubbing himself all over vigorously with the soap. He scrubbed until his skin was red raw and then stood allowing the water to trickle over him knowing that although it soothed him for the moment it would never absolve him the way he wanted it to. He had been so certain when he was 16 that to wash away the smell and dirty touch from his body would have been enough. Now he knew better. It was embedded into him, tainting him and sickening him. He allowed the water to run into his mouth and then spat it viciously down the drain.He needed to be clean. But like his mother told him a person's sins would never wash away completely. He was impure and he was a sinner. Just like his mother always believed. He shuddered before turning the shower up to full power, scalding hot water rained down him in torrents but it didn't hurt. He'd felt much worse pain in his lifetime. A few minutes later he turned off the shower and dressed. He unlocked the door to find Doug standing cautiously outside. Doug took one look at Hanson's bright red skin and knew immediately what had been happening.

" Doesn't that hurt?" he enquired

" No, why would showering hurt?" asked Hanson defensively. He walked into his bedroom and started rummaging through the drawers. Doug followed him in.

" What are you doing now Tom?"

" Trying to find some clothes to wear. I'm not going to the chapel in my pjs"

" Are you telling me you're going into work today? Hanson you can't be serious!" cried Doug. Hanson pulled out a black shirt and black jeans. Doug made no comment on his colour choices.

" Doug, I'm not gonna sit around here thinking about shit when I have work to do in the office" snapped Hanson, " I'm going to work"

" I can keep my cool fine!" cried Hanson

" Yeah really looks that way Hanson" muttered Doug.


	8. Chapter 8

" can you just leave me alone? I wanna get dressed" snapped Hanson. Doug sighed before leaving the room. About half an hour later Hanson emerged dressed in his black outfit, his hair spiked up again, with a bandana tied round his head.

" What so you're going to the chapel as Tom Maquaid now?" asked Doug.

" Anything's better than being Tom Hanson" muttered Hanson pulling on a denim jacket. He loosely tied one of his flannel shirts around his waist. He looked up to find Doug staring at him silently.

" STOP LOOKING AT ME!" he screamed furiously. Doug glared in annoyance. He was trying his best here could Hanson not see that? He wasn't a counsellor, he didn't know what the hell he was supposed to do in this situation.

" Tom, I'm trying here. Can you cut me some slack?!"

" Just stop staring at me!" snapped Hanson, " are you coming to the chapel or not?!"

" Yes," Doug snapped back following Hanson out of the apartment. They drove to Jump street in virtual silence. Just as they neared the entrance of the building Hanson stopped Doug by grabbing his arm.

" Listen, I don't mean to take it out on you" he said quietly, " It's just you, you're the first person I ever told any of this to."

" I know" replied Doug, " But Tom you gotta see that this is hard for me too. You're going to hell and back but Tom this is getting to me too you know"

" I know" said Hanson softly. He looked at the ground, obviously uncomfortable. Doug broke the awkwardness by walking into the chapel, Hanson gratefully followed him inside.

Booker was sat on his desk making paper aeroplanes whilst Judy sat watching. They both looked up as Hanson and Doug walked in

" Well look who finally decided to grace us with their presence!"

" Shut the fuck up Booker. Nobody gives a damn about anything you have to say so why don't you just save it?!" snapped Hanson angrily. He walked over to his desk and sat down.

" Hanson what the hell is wrong with you?" snapped Judy hotly. Hanson refused to respond.

" What can Booker not fight his own battles anymore, now he needs you to fight them for him?" sneered Doug from his own desk.

" Oh yeah like you never stick up for Hanson" snapped Judy irately

" well at least Hanson's worth defending!"

"maybe if you gave people a chance once in while and made up your own mind instead of following orders you'd see Hanson's not the only person worth defending around here!"

" What the hell is that supposed to mean?!"

" It means that if Hanson doesn't like someone, then you don't like them either. Do you know how childish that is Penhall?!" cried Judy. Doug tried to ignore her as he left the office to find Ioki, Judy followed him, continuing the argument as she went.

Booker glanced over at Hanson smugly. Hanson sat scrawling on a bit of paper, refusing to acknowledge the argument that was going on around him. Booker's smug look changed to one of confusion. He finished making the paper aeroplane and carefully took aim. The missile landed on its chosen target and Hanson jumped a mile. He looked up, his heart racing and his eyes darted about the chapel in a panic. He focused in on Booker and his fear turned to fury.

"Problem Tommy?" enquired Booker with a smug grin on his face. Hanson glared at him.

" You call me that one more time and I swear to God I'm gonna punch you out" spat Hanson furiously.

" Ooh I'm scared!" taunted Booker. Hanson stood up swiftly and stormed over to Booker's desk. Booker glanced up at him, a bored look on his face.

" You think you're a real tough guy don't you Booker?" snapped Hanson,

" Hey man you're the one who's threatening to punch people out here Tommy-" retorted Booker. The offending word had barely left his lips when Hanson snapped. He launched himself at Booker and repeatedly punched him in the face before dragging him up from his seat and into the corner of the chapel so he was pinned against the wall. He gripped him tightly by the collar of his shirt.

" You scared now? ARE YOU SCARED?!" screamed Hanson furiously

" LET GO OF ME!" yelled Booker his mouth and nose bloodied. His eyes were wide with fear.

" You think you're real clever don't you? DON'T YOU?!". Hanson shook Booker viciously

" N-No!"stuttered Booker

" Yeah always picking on people who can't fight back. Always tormenting people. Beating on people. I HATE YOU!" yelled Hanson. Booker opened his mouth to speak and Hanson slapped him sharply across the head just as Doug re-entered the chapel. Hanson raised his hand to strike again.

" HANSON STOP IT!" cried Doug rushing over. Hanson carried on regardless. Doug grabbed him by the arms and yanked him away from Booker who sunk to the floor bloodied and beaten. Hanson struggled wildly in Doug's grasp.

" PENHALL LET GO!"

Doug dragged Hanson out of the chapel kicking and screaming. Hanson freed one of his arms and started pummelling Doug furiously on the shoulder. He reacted violently by slapping Hanson across the face several times.

" WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU THINK YOU WERE DOING?!"" screamed Doug angrily. He towered over Hanson who immediately backed away.

" He's always going for me, Now you too?!" he cried angrily.

" you were hitting me! For fucks sake Hanson do you even know what you've done to Booker?"

" WHAT ABOUT WHAT HE DOES TO ME?" yelled Hanson

" Hanson-"

" NO, I DON'T WANNA HEAR IT, EVERYONE'S ON HIS SIDE. NO ONE EVEN CARES ABOUT ME. NO ONE!" yelled Hanson, he went to run but Doug barred his path.

" Hanson that's bullshit and you know it! Would a person who didn't care about you spend two straight nights staying up with you, listening to your problems and trying to help you? Would they?!" cried Doug. Hanson turned away. Doug grabbed him and roughly swung him round to face him. He gripped hold of Hanson pinning him against the wall.

" Let go of me now Doug. I want you to let go RIGHT NOW!" screamed Hanson his voice filled with fear.

" Answer the question"

" Let go!"

" Just answer the question!" snapped Doug. His patience had finally ran out. He'd tried and tried to help Hanson but he was having none of it. The strain of dealing with Hanson's secrets, not to mention his rapid mood swings, combined with a lack of sleep was taking its toll on Doug. He cared about Hanson, the guy was his best friend, and he was hurting for him, for all that he had dealt with in the past but my God was he getting pissed off with him too.

He tightened his grip on Hanson. Hanson panicked and struggled harder.

" LET GO!" he begged, a lump forming in his throat.

" ANSWER THE QUESTION!" yelled Doug shaking him. Hanson began to cry angrily. He knew his friend was stronger than he was. He was powerless to fight back. Just like always.

" Y-yes" he wept shivering.

" YES WHAT?!" cried Doug furiously. He was past caring for Hanson's reaction, he had to learn he wasn't the only one with feelings, that he wasn't the only one under pressure, that he wasn't the only one hurting and filled with fear. He had to acknowledge the fact that people did care about him. Hanson's constant declaration that everyone hated him and that the world was out to get him was driving Doug nuts. Why couldn't Hanson see what was directly in front of him; a friend who would do anything for him.

" Y-yes you c-care" wept Hanson, " I-if you d-didn't you wouldn't s-stay up two continuous nights listening to my problems". Doug loosened his grip on Hanson. Hanson took the opportunity to flee, Doug stared at his retreating back in dismay; what the hell had he just done to his best friend?

" where's Hanson?!" snapped Judy storming into the corridor.

" He took off" replied Doug quietly, " How's Booker doing?"

" He's pretty bad. Hanson went totally psycho on him." snapped Judy angrily

" Yeah well it's not like Booker hasn't been provoking him" snapped Doug, " Hanson, he's got a lot going on right now"

" He wants to sort himself out then doesn't he?!"

" HE'S TRYING!" yelled Doug furiously. guilt was gnawing away at him. He should have just let Hanson go, " YOU DON'T EVEN KNOW WHAT HE'S BEEN THROUGH!" Doug stormed back into the office. Booker was sat on his desk holding bits of tissue to his mouth trying to stanch the blood which was still flowing heavily from his lip. Fuller was stood in the doorway of his office grimly.

" Well?" he questioned

" Well WHAT?!"

" Don't speak to me like that Penhall, this is serious. Where the hell is Hanson?" snapped Fuller

" He took off ok? HE TOOK OFF! I DON'T KNOW WHERE HE IS!" shouted Doug angrily. If he'd handled the situation better he would know where his friend was.

" I have to report this does he know that?" asked Fuller

" I DON'T KNOW! I DON'T KNOW WHAT HANSON KNOWS ANYMORE!" screamed Doug furiously

" In my office Penhall!" snapped Fuller. Doug stared in disbelief. Why was he always getting himself into trouble on account of his partner's actions? He stormed into Fuller's office and slammed the door. He sat down opposite Fuller his arms folded angrily across his chest.

" What's going on Doug?" asked Fuller quietly. Doug looked.

" I cant tell you" he admitted finally, " It's not my place to tell; besides I promised him."

" Doug, Hanson needs help"

" WHAT DO YOU THINK I'VE BEEN TRYING TO DO?!" cried Doug.

" Cool it Doug, I'm not Hanson. I'm not the one who you're really mad at"

" who says I'm mad at Hanson?" snapped Doug defensively, Fuller sighed.

" Penhall, You and Hanson you're good friends if anything was troubling him you'd be the one he told. All I'm asking is that you help me help him"

" I told you it's not my place to tell!" cried Doug, " I promised him!"

" Well maybe for his own safety it would be best if you broke that promise"

" NO" cried Doug annoyed. He stood up, " I'm gonna go find him and try convince him to come back. Maybe he'll talk to you off his own accord"

" You do that Penhall"

Doug walked out of Fuller's office and out of the chapel. He saw that Hanson's mustang was still in the car park meaning he couldn't have gone very far. He gave a sigh of frustration. If he ever managed to track Hanson down he was going to be extremely pissed off as a result of the ugly scene earlier. He stopped and thought. Then he headed off towards the woods.

Hanson was sat on the grass resting against a tree trunk staring blankly into space trying to make sense of a mess of memories. He couldn't believe he'd snapped again. He couldn't believe he'd done that to Booker. All the blood. Blood he'd drew. Pain he'd inflicted. He'd done it again. He was evil. Pure evil.

_Tom's walking up the stairs, his torture over . Jack's finished with him. Tom pauses at the top of the stairs and wipes the tears from his eyes, rubs the blood from his lips where he's bitten down in pain. He grasps the door with a shaking hand and pushes it open. He's greeted by his mother, sitting in the kitchen with her beloved drink. _

" _Learnt your lesson Thomas?" she sneers._

" _I hate you" spits Tom, " I hate you more than I hate him"_

" _You bring it on yourself you evil little shit. I told you, you sin and you get punished" snaps his mother_

" _I DIDN'T DO ANYTHING!" yells Tom furiously. He feels disgusting, he feels violated, he feels dirty but mostly he feels ashamed. He's weak. He lets them do this to him. He let him touch him. He should never have been touched. _

" _you had that GIRL in your room! In your room! Acting like animals!" _

" _I LOVE HER!" screams Tom suddenly, " and guess what? SHE LOVES ME. She LOVES me!"_

"_Why would anyone love you?!" cries his mother her voice full of hatred, "You worthless little shit, you couldn't even take care of your poor mother properly. You, you killed your father. You don't deserve love"_

_Tom's heard it all before but it never dulls the pain. It wasn't his fault his dad got shot. IT WASN'T. Tears sting his eyes but he refuses to let them fall. Not here. Not like this. He won't give her the satisfaction._

" _You'll go straight to hell you little shit" snaps his mother when he doesn't respond_

" _I already live there" says Tom his voice trembling. He turns on his heel and runs from the kitchen_

"She loved me" whispered Hanson to himself.

"Tom?" said Doug quietly appearing in the clearing. Hanson scrambled up from the ground and backed away hastily.

" Y-You stay away" he stammered still backing up.

"Tom, I'm sorry about before" apologised Doug, "I didn't mean to hit you"

"You wouldn't let go! I told you to let go!" cried Hanson. _He's been hit before. It's not being hit that he's afraid of_, "You should've!"

"I know" said Doug. He noticed Hanson was still edging away fearfully, "Look, I'll sit here" he

Sat down on the grass, his legs crossed and waited for Hanson to stop moving away. Once Hanson saw Doug was staying where he'd promised he sat down opposite him by a few yards.

"I'm an evil person" announced Hanson suddenly, "I hurt people real bad. Real bad"

" One time Tom, One time" said Doug trying to reassure him

" No, No I do it all the time" said Hanson softly, " I hurt my mom, all she wanted was for me to take care of her after dad died and I couldn't even do that. I'm useless"

" No you're not Tom!" cried Doug, Hanson's self confidence was plummeting.

" I am. I am. If I wasn't I would've been better, I would've got good grades all the time and then Jack he wouldn't have had to teach me and mom she would have been happier. It's all my fault"

" Do you honestly believe that Tom? Honestly?"

" Yes" said Hanson softly, " Mellisa she said I was useless too and Booker he knows I'm useless "

" Booker said this to you?"

" No but I can tell he thinks it. I am useless. At everything. I mean I'm a cop. On desk duty. All I do is fuck up"

" Tom that's not true!" cried Doug.

" And you, you're my friend and I never ask how you are I just expect you to deal with everything. I should deal with it myself."

" Aw Tom don't be stupid" said Doug, " You don't have to deal with it your own, that's what friends are for"

" I should though" whispered Hanson, " Doug, Why wouldn't you let go?". Doug looked up embarrassed.

" I got mad Tom, Lost my cool" he admitted softly, " I wanted to make you see that people care about you"

" I begged you to let go" snapped Hanson angrily,

" Look Tom I'm sorry but can you honestly blame me?! Honestly? You're going weird on everyone"

" Oh I'm _sorry_!"spat Hanson bitterly, " I'll just go back to pretending like nothing ever happened!". He paused and looked at Doug who was sat looking defeated.

" Doug?" he questioned his anger fading rapidly

" Yeah?"

" I think I'm cracking up Doug. I-I do things a-and I think I'm getting back at them" whispered Hanson

" What do you mean?"

" Like Booker. He kept calling me Tommy. Jack, he used to call me that. He called me it when…when he did stuff…and..a-and he kept tormenting me. Tormenting me all the time. A-and Booker he did it today and I went psycho on him. I was screaming at him and hitting him but really it was Jack. D-Doug I think I'm crazy"

" Tom you're not crazy, I just don't think you ever faced it. You're still understandably very angry about it. Hell about everything" consoled Doug.

" I cant face it. I can't!" cried Hanson

" Maybe you should see someone about it" suggested Doug

" What and have them try convince me to press charges? Have me relive every detail? Relive every word, every touch, relive everything about my mom, about jack, about my dad's death? About Melissa? No thanks!" spat Hanson

" What happened with Melissa?"

" Forget it, it doesn't matter!" snapped Hanson. His memory wandered,


	9. Chapter 9

**This is just a quick update before I go home for the holidays. I'm going home tomorrow evening so I wont be uploading anything new for a while because I dont have the internet at home. Sorry. I'll update as soon as I'm back at university though don't worry. I apologise if this chapter isn't as good as the previous ones. I'm suffering from writer's block I think LOL. Well I hope you enjoy what I've wrote anyway and i will upload in the new year!**

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_It's been snowing. Melissa's outside her house with him. Tom looks over trying to cheer himself up, the first Christmas without his dad, a few weeks after his ordeal in the basement. He's hurting. He wants to forget. He wants to feel happy. He stares at Mel knowing she can have that effect on him sometime, that she can cheer him, she looks so beautiful at this moment there's snow in her hair and snowflakes on the tips of her eyelashes. _

" _Tommy come over here!" she calls smiling. She's bundled up in her winter coat and baby blue hat and gloves._

" _why?" he questions suspiciously. He does as he's told anyway. That's Tom, at everyone's beck and call. Does whatever he's told regardless of what it is. _

_She pulls him into a hug before shoving a handful of snow down his back. She giggles hysterically as Tom wriggles around trying to dislodge the cold clumps from down his sweater and coat. _

" _You're so gonna get it!" he threatens. He grabs a handful of snow and chases her around the garden with it. He grabs her and they tumble to the ground laughing together. He musses the snow into her hair. He's lying on top of her, they're both covered in snow. She reaches up and kisses him softly on the lips. He kisses her back. He's ok with kissing. _

_Her hands wander to his jeans, she fiddles with his belt buckle and he freezes. He pulls himself up._

" _Let's go inside Tommy" says Melissa giving her boyfriend a meaningful look. A shadow of fear flickers across Tom's face._

" _I-I can't" he stammers, " I gotta go home, my mom she wants me to help with dinner" _

_Melissa sits up and stares at him_

" _Tommy what is the matter with you?!"_

" _Nothing!" snaps Tom, " I just gotta go, I'm real sorry Mel but my mom you know…"_

" _Oh whatever Tom" snaps Melissa, " How many more times are you gonna tell the same old lie?"_

" _I'M NOT LYING!" shouts Tom standing up. He brushes the snow off himself . He holds his hand out to help her up but she wont take it. She sits staring at him an unreadable look on her face. Tom knows she's pissed at him. She gets up and brushes herself down refusing to look at him._

" _Come on Mel, I'm real sorry" he whispers, " Look I'll call you when I get home, I promise"_

" _don't bother" she snaps. She turns on her heel and runs up the front steps of her porch and slams the door. Tom stays on the front lawn a few moments staring at her house, tears shimmering in his eyes. He really hopes she doesn't stay mad for too long. He loves her. He just wishes he could show her. _

" Fuller asked me what was wrong with you" announced Doug breaking the silence. He could tell Hanson wasn't ready to answer his questions about Melissa. Hanson came back to the present swiftly.

" what'd you tell him?!" panicked Hanson

" Told him it wasn't my place to tell" answered Doug, " But Tom, I think you should tell him."  
" Doug I've told you and told you I'm not telling anyone!" cried Hanson

" what about a professional?"

" Doug no, it doesn't work! They sit and they patronize. They don't help!" snapped hanson, " I got sent to a shrink after I slit my wrists. I was "emotionally unstable". me?! that's a laugh! They had me talk to this woman, only my mom she made sure she sat in on each session. All they wanted to know was why I'd done what I did. Why wasn't I happy? My dad had died over a year ago. I should have gotten over it by then. That's all they kept saying. Then my mom she told them about my trouble at school so they all said I was attention seeking. That they should just ignore me for a while. My mom interpreted ignore into 'leave Tom alone in the basement for days on end with no food and then let Jack go down there for hours to beat on him, yell at him and a-and…'"

" aw Tom" whispered Doug. Hanson didn't need to finish his sentence. The message came across loud and clear.

" So I stopped going. Stopped trying. No one cared. Mel, she left soon after the first time. Cheated on me with Brett Collins. Blamed me. I was useless. Wouldn't do anything a boyfriend was supposed to do so what was the point? I loved her Doug, I really loved her. She said she loved me. She was the only one who ever did. 'cept my Dad. My mom she didn't love me. She didn't love me" babbled Hanson

" She must have loved you Tom, You were her son"  
" Yeah she really acted like she loved me" spat Hanson, " Locking me in the basement, starving me, beating me, allowing that bastard to touch me, playing all those mind games with me, blaming me for my dad's death. Did she hell love me! She was always thinking up new ways of hurting me, trying to make me cry."

" I made her cry once" continued Hanson softly, " she came to a talent show when I was 17. I was performing. I dunno why she came. I think she wanted to mess with me some more. That or cement her fake persona of being a good mother. I mean how bad would it look if she didn't come to see her son perform? So I come on stage, started playing guitar. I start singing and halfway through the song she starts crying. She knew it was directed at her."

" what did you sing?"

" I hate everything about you by three days grace" answered Hanson quietly, " made her cry". He smiled,

" _I_ made _her_ cry!"

Doug smiled back. He could understand how Hanson must have felt. After all the times his mother had hurt him, he had hurt her back.

" couldn't get Jack back though" muttered Hanson bitterly. Doug's smile faded. Hanson and revenge didn't normally go together.

" Tom, you wouldn't-"  
" What go looking for revenge?" snapped Hanson, " No, No I wouldn't Doug. I don't wanna see him again. Why do you think I avoid my mother's house as much as I can? It's not just because she hurts me and manipulates me. It's cause she's still with him."

" She never left him?" asked Doug

" NO SHE NEVER LEFT HIM. WHY WOULD SHE LEAVE HIM?! THEY'RE A MATCH MADE IN FUCKING HEAVEN!" cried Hanson.

" ok Hanson, I just asked a question" muttered Doug.  
" Yeah well it was a real stupid one" snapped Hanson standing up. He dusted the loose bits of grass from his jeans.

" where are you going now?!"

" Back to the chapel. I gotta talk to Booker" replied Hanson simply.

" You think that's wise when you're in this frame of mind?"  
" What frame of mind?!" snapped Hanson

" Oh come on Tom, you're going off the rails!" blurted Doug

" _I'm_ going off the rails?! Yeah Doug like _you're_ staying dead straight on em!" cried Hanson

" Tom it's not me that's having rapid mood swings and beating up co-workers"  
" No you just pin them up against walls" retorted Hanson harshly. Doug looked up at him his face a mixture of hurt and anger. He stood up. Hanson instinctively took a cautious step back.

" Aw come off it Hanson, I hit you one time and you act like we have an abusive relationship!" snapped Doug furiously.

" Hey man fuck you!" spat Hanson, " I'm sick of you telling me what to do. You think you understand, think you know what I've been through?! You could never ever understand what I've been through. Ever"

" WELL GO TALK TO SOMEONE WHO CAN AND STOP FUCKING AROUND!" yelled Doug impatiently. If hanson didn't appreciate his help and support then he could just stuff it.

Hanson stared at him, his chin set, a sulky look upon his face.

" I'm gonna talk to Booker" he said quietly. His eyes were hard and determined. Doug knew there was no point arguing with him when he was in this mood. He was fed up anyway. Let Hanson do what he wanted. Hell let Hanson get on with it, it was his life.

Hanson burst through the doors of the chapel to find the office practically empty but Booker was still sat on his desk. He looked up as Hanson came in.

" Hey" muttered Hanson quietly. Confusion clouded Booker's face, he was weary of Hanson, very weary.

" Listen, Dennis I didn't mean to go beserk on you" started Hanson. Booker's confusion intensified.

" what we're on first name terms now?" he enquired interrupting. He didn't want to hear Hanson apologise. The guy would hold it against him forever. Usually booker would have held it over Hanson's head, tormented him with it for a few days. Not now. Hanson had a hellish case of pride plus Booker had realised how hard the guy could actually hit.

" What?"

" I said are we on first name terms now?" repeated Booker, " I mean, normally you call me anything _but_ Dennis. Asshole sure, sometimes even Booker, but Dennis no. What's the deal?"

" You pushed me and pushed me but hell I shouldn't have gone crazy on you" said Hanson sidestepping the actual question. He was calling him dennis to assure himself of who he was actually speaking to.

" Come on Hanson" snapped Booker.

" Look I'm sorry I beat on your ass ok?!" cried Hanson, " Is that what you want me to say?!"

" not particularly"

" WELL WHAT DO YOU WANT ME TO SAY?" yelled Hanson

" Hey Hanson, you came over to me! You started the conversation! I dunno what the hell you're supposed to say, Fuck man I don't know what goes on in your head!" snapped Booker furiously

Before hanson could come back with a retort Fuller opened the door of his office, saw Hanson and indicated his office sharply.

" I'm talking to Booker" mumbled Hanson.

" IN MY OFFICE HANSON!"

Hanson stood looking at the captain a defiant look on his face.

" Just go in the office!" hissed Booker, " You're making it worse Hanson"

" Fine!" snapped Hanson storming into the office. He slammed the door behind him.


	10. Chapter 10

**well Happy New Year everyone. I apologise for the long wait for the update. I hope you like it. I dunno if it meets the expectations set by previous chapters LOL but I hope you like it anyway. Let me know if there's any bits you particularly don't like or if there's anything I could add to make it better. I appreciate all your reviews and thank you all very much for your kind comments. **

* * *

"Don't do that" commanded Fuller angrily. Hanson glared at him before slouching into the seat opposite his superior.

"You know why you're in here?" enquired fuller dryly

"Cause of Booker" muttered Hanson chewing his thumb nail distractedly

"WRONG! YOU ARE IN HERE BECAUSE YOU SEVERLY ASSAULTED A FELLOW OFFICER AND THEN HIGH TAILED IT OUTTA HERE!"

"I came back and apologised!" cried Hanson

"That doesn't excuse what you did!"  
"He was pissing me off!" cried Hanson furiously.

"THAT IS NOT AN EXCUSE AND YOU DAMN WELL KNOW IT HANSON!"

"I know it's not an excuse ok?! I know! You think Im trying to get out of this? I came back didn't I? I apologised!" yelled Hanson

"I still have to report this, regardless of your _apology_"  
"So go ahead" snapped Hanson, "I don't care anymore. I DON'T CARE!"

"Tom what the _hell_ is the matter with you?!"

"Why does everyone want to know _my_ business?! It's not like any of you actually _care_!" spat Hanson

"Come on Tom you know that's not true"

"JUST STOP TRYING TO GET ME TO OPEN UP OK?! I DON'T WANT TO DISCUSS ANY OF IT WITH YOU, WITH PENHALL OR WITH BOOKER! I JUST WANT TO BE LEFT ALONE!" yelled Hanson

"Hanson you are _way_ outta line!"

"I'M ALWAYS OUTTA LINE!" screamed Hanson, "THAT'S WHAT I DO! I SCREW UP AND I HURT PEOPLE OK? I HURT EVERYONE AND THEN PEOPLE HURT ME. THAT'S HOW LIFE WORKS!"

"Hanson, who hurt you?"

"No one" replied Hanson panicking.

"Hanson-"

"No one, no one did. No one" said Hanson quickly trying to back track. He averted his gaze swiftly to the floor.

"Come on Tom, you know you can tell me anything. It wont leave this office" said fuller desperately trying to get Hanson to open up.

"I - you, no" stuttered Hanson, "I don't have anything to tell. I was mad I didn't know what I was saying!"

"Tom _please_"

"Ok OK you wanna know something?! Really wanna know something? Want me to share all this trauma with you?! REALLY?!" screamed Hanson. He undid his jacket and flung it on the back of the chair he was sitting on before pulling his shirt sleeves up roughly. He thrust his scarred wrists in Fuller's face.

"HAPPY NOW?! HUH? MAKE YOU FEEL GOOD? TOM HANSON SELF HARMED!" screamed Hanson furiously.

"Calm down Tom" said Fuller calmly. His face was an unreadable mask of emotion; on the inside he was shocked.

"You wanna talk about it?"

"I told Penhall" muttered Hanson softly, "He knows everything"

"Everything?"  
" When I did it, why I did it, what my mom did when I did it, what her boyfriend did after I did it, what lead up to the event" spat Hanson bitterly

"So it was your mom and her boyfriend?"  
"What?"

"Who hurt you" said Fuller. Hanson's eyes widened in panic.

"I told you nobody did" repeated Hanson urgently.

"Come on Tom I'm not stupid" snapped Fuller

"I know but Captain you don't understand"  
"So help me understand Tom"

Hanson sighed before standing up; he began pacing back and forth across the office. Fuller leaned against his desk and watched the young officer quizzically.

"I dunno where to start" whispered Hanson drumming his fingers off the side of his jeans nervously.

"Start wherever you feel comfortable Tom"  
"I…erm…I tried to kill myself when I was seventeen" said Hanson softly, "Cause I missed my dad and I wanted out"

"I _needed_ out" Hanson corrected himself, "See they, Th-they were a-abusing me. Both of them. A-all the time. So that's why I did it."  
"I see"

"In December" whispered Hanson. A flash of understanding flickered across Fuller's face.

"So that's why you've been acting….depressed and withdrawn?"  
"Partly"  
"And the extreme reaction to Booker?" prompted Fuller. Hanson's face paled. It had taken all the courage he had just to confide in Doug and that was his best friend.

"He's…he's like my mom's boyfriend" said Hanson shakily, "I d-don't like him"

"The boyfriend or Booker?"

"Both" replied Hanson cracking a weak smile

"Tom, this erm abuse you mentioned, have you seen anyone about it?"

"No"  
"Well don't you think it would be a good idea? Maybe help you get past it all?"  
"I don't want loads of people knowing" mumbled Hanson picking at his shirt sleeve.

"Hanson, only you and the person you spoke to would know. No one else" reassured Fuller

"I cant" whispered Hanson

"Can't what?"  
"Tell people. It's too hard" whispered Hanson

"You told Penhall"  
"That's different" mumbled Hanson

"In what way exactly?"  
"Doug, h-he doesn't sit and judge me, He doesn't jump to conclusions and he doesn't _make_ me tell him anything. He waits until _I _tell _him_" explained Hanson his voice shaking.

"You told me"  
"Only because you kept pushing me!" cried Hanson angrily, "And I didn't even tell you half of it"

"So tell me"  
"No" replied Hanson gulping. He let out a shaky breath, "Please don't make me"

"Hanson when have you ever known me to make you do something you didn't want to do?"  
"Well there was that time you made me partner up with Hoffs when I specifically told you I always worked with Doug" said Hanson.

He was greeted by silence.

"And that time you made me work with Booker, when you made me work on that toilet bomber case, oh and when-" Hanson continued

"Ok you've made your point!" cried Fuller cutting him off swiftly.

"And just then when you made me tell you all that stuff." said Hanson softly. He paused his brow furrowed, "Like Mexican food"  
"_Mexican food?"_ enquired Fuller confused.

"Yeah when I was going out with Jackie she always used to get me to order Mexican when I didn't-"  
Fuller glanced at him blankly.

"Never mind" finished Hanson quickly.

"Seriously Tom, book and appointment with the pyschiatrist. Talk through your problems" said Fuller breaking the silence which had descended upon the office.

"Ok I'll try" mumbled Hanson

"Oh and I'm afraid you may be getting suspended for your actions earlier this afternoon" said Fuller sternly

"I know" whispered Hanson

"Ok go book that appointment Hanson"

"What if I can't face it captain?" asked Hanson suddenly, a mournful look on his pale face.

"You'll face it someday Hanson the first step was telling someone. You've already done the hard bit"  
"I don't think so" muttered Hanson

"Trust me hanson"  
"I don't trust anyone" whispered Hanson. Fuller looked him over sadly.

"Except Doug" Hanson said as an afterthought, "Doug I can trust"

" Go try talking through your problems Hanson" said Fuller softly.

Hanson picked up his jacket and put it on. He walked over to the door and rested his hand on the doorknob. He turned.

" Captain?"

" yeah?"

" Will they blame me? The person I talk to I mean. will they think it's my fault?"

" it's never the victim's fault Hanson, you should know that"

" I don't know anything for sure anymore" said Hanson quietly. He walked out of the office and narrowly missed colliding with Doug. Doug was standing at his friend's desk holding the paper Hanson had been writing on earlier.

" What are you doing with that?!" cried Hanson

" Trying to understand what you're going through" replied Doug softly. His anger at his partner had faded.

" Yeah? Read anything good?" snapped Hanson

" Hanson all you've written are song lyrics man" replied Doug. He didn't get why Hanson was being so defensive and hostile.

" and?"

" and what?"

" They're personal to me. Me! Not you! Who gave you permission to come snooping round on my desk anyways?!" cried Hanson

" Tommy man-" began Doug. He saw the look on Hanson's face and dropped the paper. It fluttered to rest on the edge of his desk. Hanson snatched for it, crumpled it up and shoved it in his back jeans pocket.

" Doug when I want you to know something I tell you. Don't go looking through my stuff."  
" Hanson do you know how secretive you really are? Do you know how hard I have to try to get you to open up even just a little bit?"  
" I don't have to tell you every little thing about me Penhall! We're buddys, that's it! We're not joined at the hip, you arent my keeper and I sure as hell don't have to tell you anything I don't want to. Same as I don't have to tell Booker, Fuller or anyone else in this damn place!"

" ok ok!" snapped Doug exasperated, " But Tom, those lyrics-"

" what about them?" interrupted Hanson defensively

" Tom they're not you man"  
" _And we believe it's not the real me_" quoted hanson

" What?"  
" That's part of the lyric." said Hanson, " Don't you listen to 3 days grace?"  
" No they're so depressing"

" So's my life" retorted Hanson , " music's what got me this far Doug, kindly refrain from trashing the lyrics that help me ok?!"

" alright" sighed Doug.

" I'm gonna go home" announced Hanson, " I gotta get outta here"

" Well wait, I'll come with you"  
" I wanna be alone. I need to think" snapped Hanson.

He walked briskly from the chapel, all the while feeling Doug's eyes burning into his back, and carried on back to his apartment in the mustang. Once he let himself in he flung his jacket on the couch before putting 3 days grace on his cd player. He needed it right now. The dark, moody guitars and drum beats kicked in.

_I can't escape this hell_

_So many times I've tried_

_But I'm still caged inside_

_Somebody get me through this nightmare_

_I cant control myself_

_So what if you can see the darker side of me?_

_No one will ever change this animal I have become_

_And we believe it's not the real me_

_Somebody help me tame this animal_

_I cant escape myself_

_So many times I've lied_

_But theres still rage inside_

_Somebody get me through this nightmare_

_I cant control myself _

_So what if you can see the darker side of me?_

_No one will ever change this animal I have become_

_And we believe it's not the real me_

_Somebody help me tame this animal I have become_

_So what if you can see the darker side of me?_

_No one will ever change this animal I have become_

_And we believe it's not the real me_

_Somebody help me tame this animal_

_Somebody help me through this nightmare _

_I can't control myself_

_Somebody wake me from this nightmare_

_Well I cant escape this hell_

_So what if you can see the darker side of me?_

_No one will ever change this animal I have become_

_And we believe it's not the real me_

_Somebody help me tame this animal I have become_

_And we believe it's not the real me_

_Somebody help me tame this animal _

_this animal I have become_

He sat on the sofa thinking, weighing up his options. Go to the department shrink and risk exposure of his deepest and darkest secrets to the entire police force or bury it deep down inside himself as he had done for the past eight years. He knew he couldn't deal with more and more people knowing. It would kill him, cripple him emotionally. He could barely cope with the fact that Doug ,and now Fuller, knew he had been abused. Certain that their perceptions of him had been drastically altered Hanson was heartbroken and completely dismayed. Nothing would ever be the same. Hanson was sure they could all see the suicidal, helpless teenager that he saw every time he looked in the mirror. Positive that they viewed him as weak and vulnerable not to mention completely crazy. He couldn't control himself anymore. He wasn't even _trying_ to. The music was starting to grind on him. Sure it helped but maybe he'd feel better watching a movie. Anything to take his mind off his troubles. He went into the kitchen, popped a beer, and sat on the sofa ready to immerse himself in horror movies.

A Nightmare on Elm Street had been on for about 15 minutes when the knocking started. Hanson gave a frustrated sigh before placing his half drunk beer on the floor. He went over to the door and pulled back the bolts and chain. He peered through the crack. Booker stared back at him.

" Go away" snapped Hanson slamming the door shut.

" Come on Hanson I just want to talk to you for two seconds" called Booker.

" Yeah? Well I don't wanna talk to you!"

" Come on Hanson"

" I'm busy!" cried Hanson. He turned the volume up on the tv. Freddy Krueger's latest victim screamed helplessly about 10 decibels louder.

" Ok Hanson you be a baby and stay in there watching trashy 80s horror films. I'll go back and tell Fuller you don't wanna talk things out, he'll file his report on you, you'll get suspended and then what? What you gonna do if you're not a cop Hanson? Sit and mope in your apartment? Oh wait, you do that already. I mean-"

" I don't _mope_!" cried Hanson opening the door so forcefully that it slammed against the wall.

" Oh so what exactly would you call it then?"

" Look I don't need this crap from you ok? Why don't you stop being a jerk for 2 seconds?"

" Why don't you?" retaliated Booker

Hanson glared at him before moving out of the way so Booker could enter his apartment.

" Look, I didn't want you to aplogise like that today. I know I haven't been easy to get on with" started Booker.

" Did Judy send you over here or what?"  
" No Fuller said to talk things out with you"  
" Fuller sent you over here to talk things out with me? _Fuller_?!" cried Hanson irritated

" What you got trouble with your hearing now?"  
" Shut up" snapped Hanson, " Where's Doug?"  
" what? You mean to tell me you and Penhall don't actually live together? That you actually do spend some time apart?!" cried Booker mockingly

" I need to talk to Doug" snapped Hanson

" Is that a subtle attempt to get me to leave?" enquired Booker sarcastically,

" wow you're quick off the mark today Book" snapped Hanson his tone equally sarcastic

" Don't start _Hanson_" spat Booker pointedly

" Oh just frig off!" snapped Hanson

" Oh so you're cute _and_ mature" snapped Booker sarcastically.

" Stop calling me cute and pretty and all that other bullshit!" yelled Hanson furiously.

" What's the deal with you Hanson? How come you can't take a joke?"

" I can take a joke. The only problem is, you aren't funny. At all." said Hanson coldly.

" Whatever" muttered Booker

" Why don't you just get the hell outta my apartment and stop winding me up?" snapped Hanson

" cause its funny seeing how easy it is to do it"

" Was it funny this morning? Huh?!" cried Hanson. Booker had the decency to look embarrassed.

" I know why you did what you did" he announced suddenly. Hanson paled.

" No you don't" he gulped.

" Look there's people, they can help"

" I DON'T NEED HELP!" yelled Hanson panicking.

" Hanson you have a serious anger management problem"

" Ang-anger management problem?" stammered Hanson almost dizzy with relief. He wiped the palms of his hands on the back of his jeans self consciously.

" hell yeah! I mean I know I irritate you but seriously Hanson your reaction today was kinda over the top don't you think?" snapped Booker

" Ok so I've got some issues but hell I've got good reason to" snapped Hanson

" Like what?"  
" Like er…go to hell if you think for one minute I'm sharing them with you!" spat Hanson

" God damn it Hanson get a grip!" yelled Booker, " You're so secretive and misleading all the time yet you're gagging for people to ask you what's up. You just love attention"  
" Bullshit!" spat Hanson, " How many times have I specifically told people to leave me alone?!"

" You do it for the attention you know you do" snapped Booker furiously. Hanson took a step closer to him.

" I do _not_ attention seek" he spoke slowly and deliberately emphasising each word carefully. Booker took a step back uneasily.

" Do you hear me?!" snapped Hanson angrily

" Yes I hear you" replied Booker, " Jesus fucking Christ Hanson!"  
" Look just get out ok?!" yelled Hanson

" Fine I'm leaving. I wouldn't want to stick around and see you go pyscho again anyway. I mean people get committed for less!"

" GET OUT!" screamed Hanson shoving him roughly. Booker raised his hands in a submissive gesture. He wasn't about to get physical with they guy who had beaten him so savagely earlier that morning.

" I'm going, I'm going" he muttered edging towards the door

" WELL GO FASTER!" cried Hanson. Booker gave a frustrated sigh before turning and leaving. Hanson slammed the door behind him before flinging himself on the sofa where he promptly burst into tears of rage and self pity.

Booker leaned against the wall in the corridor and listened sadly. He didn't like Hanson, he honestly thought the guy was an attention seeking, right wing pretty little white boy who couldn't take a joke and was a hypocrite to boot. But his personal feelings about him aside, Hanson was deeply disturbed by something and it was scary to watch the guy rapidly become unhinged. There was nothing he could do though, the hatred was mutual between the two officers. If Hanson was gonna talk to anyone it was Doug. He sighed and left Hanson's building before getting in his car and driving home.


	11. Chapter 11

Doug was sat back at the chapel finishing off some paper work when his phone rang.

" Penhall" he answered. Muffled sobbing and ragged breathing emitted from the reciever.

" Tommy?" he guessed. The crying continued.

" Tommy, I cant help you if you don't speak to me" snapped Doug.

" C-c-can y-you c-come over?" sobbed Hanson his voice barely audible.

" sure give me ten minutes" said Doug quietly. He heard the reciever click and sighed. He put his head in his hands and groaned.

" You ok Penhall?" asked Fuller. He was busy locking his office up.

" Better than Hanson" muttered Doug softly, " sorry captain I gotta go I said I'd meet him"

" hey I understand Doug" said Fuller " I'm concerned about him myself. He showed me his wrists today"  
" Yeah. He showed me them a while back. We got really drunk and I was asking him about when he was a kid. Basically ragging on him cause he's always following the rules and stuff. He started talking about his dad. Got all emotional. Showed me his wrists. I went all ballistic on him, demanded to know why he'd done it. He told me last night. Now I wish he hadn't. "

" The abuse?" enquired Fuller

" Yeah. The abuse" spat Doug furiously, " I could murder his mother for what she put him through. Her and her son of a bitch boyfriend"

" Did he share details with you?"  
" Yeah" muttered Doug, " Told me exactly what those bastards put him through."  
" You better go see if he's alright" said Fuller quietly. Doug stood up and left the chapel. He arrived at Hanson's ten minutes later. He hammered on the door, Hanson's apartment was eerily silent. Doug pushed the door open gently and walked in to find his friend curled up on the sofa crying. A Nightmare on Elm street flickered in the darkened room, all sound muted.

" Tommy?"

Hanson scrambled up off the sofa.

" Is Booker still here?" he enquired sniffing

" Booker? No Booker's not here. Was he?" asked Doug confused

" He came over and st-started arguing with me. Said a bunch of junk so I sh-shoved him"

" Oh God Hanson! What did you do?!"

" Just shoved him" murmered Hanson

" Why?"

" cause he said all I do is attention seek and I don't. I _don't_!" cried Hanson furiously.

" alright calm down Tom I never said it did I?" snapped Doug. Hanson looked at him, his face pale and tear stricken.

" I don't do I?" snivelled Hanson his voice wavering with self doubt.

" Of course not" said Doug swiftly, " Look Booker's just trying to wind you up. Evidently he's doing a _great_ job by the way"

" shut up" snapped Hanson, " You don't know what its like!"

" You know you keep saying that. Hey here's a wild idea! Why don't you try telling me what it's like instead of expecting me to guess what the hell it's been like for you?!"

" He's just like Jack!" spat Hanson, " a Cocky, arrogant shit who keeps putting me down. I cant take it Doug I cant!"  
" well what are you gonna do about it? Sit in the dark and cry?!" cried Doug harshly. Hanson glared at him

" Look Tommy, you cant let this thing beat you man. You've got to do something" continued Doug his tone gentle.

" I _can't_!" sobbed Hanson, " I want to, I know I should but I _can't_! I can't go see some random person and tell them everything that happened. Have them sit there and judge me, saying how did that make you feel Tom? What kinda fucked up question is that anyway?! How the hell are you supposed to feel? Like sure doc that made me feel swell!"

" They just want you to discuss your emotions. You know get the anger and the hate out in a healthier way than-"  
" Than beating on people and smashing up kitchens?" interrupted Hanson wiping his nose on his sleeve

" well yeah" finished Doug uneasily

" Booker says I have an anger management problem" announced Hanson

" Oh what and you believe everything Booker tells you now?"

" No" muttered Hanson

" Well you do have a problem with anger but it's just cause you never got it out. I know that, you know that, I suppose Fuller kinda knows that. Booker doesn't know squat" said Doug

" Fuller doesn't know much"

" He knows something really terrible went down Tom, the guy's not stupid. You said abuse and he knows the main points that that's gonna cover" replied Doug gently.

" Great so he's gonna look at me weird too" sniffed Hanson his tears slowly subsiding.

" Tom, I don't look at you any different"

" yes you do" cried Hanson, " You look and you think poor guy he's so weak. It's so sad he didn't fight back. He really needs taking care of cause he sure as hell can't take care of himself!"

" I think nothing of the sort! I feel sorry for you of course I do Tommy, wouldn't you if it were me? it's a horrendous thing to have happen to anyone man. I told you about the fighting back thing before you couldn't have done anything you were just a kid. A kid tom that's all you were! Stop being so hard on yourself. As for the weak thing I really don't think that. Hell Tommy you're one of the strongest people I know. You've dealt with so much. So very very much and you're still here."

" just barely" whispered Hanson.

" And as for the taking care of you thing, yeah I look out for you but we're friends that's what friends do and hell Tommy you proved this morning you can certainly fight your own battles" continued Doug. He smiled slyly at his friend. Hanson looked at him before smiling back.

" Yeah I can hit pretty hard huh?"

" Judging by Booker's face I'd say damn hard"

Hanson laughed.

" So erm are we watching this movie or what?" enquired Doug turning his attention to the TV. He flung himself on Hanson's sofa. Hanson sat beside him.

" I guess" said Hanson clicking the sound on. " oh I hate this part!"

" where that kid gets sucked in the bed?" asked Doug

" Yeah!" replied Hanson earnestly, " Oh God I can't look!" he covered his face with his hands.

Doug glanced over, momentarily turning his attention from the screen to stare at his friend in amusement.

" Is it over?" Hanson enquired timidly.

" yeah its over"

Hanson splayed his fingers and peeked through just in time to see Glen's hapless body be spat back out of the bed admidst torrents of gushing blood.

" You said it was over!" he cried slapping his friend's arm. Doug cracked up laughing.

" what's so scary about that one particular part?" he enquired through his giggles

" I don't like how he got him while he was sleeping" muttered Hanson

" Tom he gets _all of them_ while they're sleeping. It's _freddy kreuger_!" laughed Doug

" I don't like it"

" what you scared he's gonna come get you in your dreams?" teased Doug.

" No" said Hanson a little too hesitantly

" You are aren't you? Maybe not Kreuger but you're scared someone's gonna get you arent you?" enquired Doug gently

" someone already did" said Hanson quietly. He hunched his feet up on the sofa and hid his face in the cushions.Doug glanced at him. He really hoped Hanson wasn't about to burst into tears again. He needed to diffuse the situation. He kicked Hanson's feet off the sofa.

" don't do that" muttered Hanson looking at his friend.

" quit hiding in the sofa then" said Doug

" It's my sofa!" snapped Hanson

" so? You're being rude" said Doug, " I mean you have a guest over and I am trying to watch tv"

" Me rude? You're a fine one to talk! I go over your house and you don't even answer the door" laughed Hanson

" well that's cause half the time you break into my apartment"

" I do not! I let myself in with the spare key" replied Hanson pulling his feet back up on the sofa

" yeah the spare key you shouldn't have" said Doug kicking Hanson's feet back onto the floor

" see what happens if you do that again" threatened Hanson good naturedly as he pulled his feet up onto the sofa for the second time. Doug manouvered himself so that he was sitting in a way that imitated his friend and promptly kicked Hanson's feet off the sofa again.

" Ok that is it!" cried Hanson. He kicked Doug back and a kick war promptly errupted between the two each desperate to kick the other's feet off the sofa.

" You give in yet?" enquired Doug after a few minutes

" No, why do you?" asked Hanson

" yeah I forfeit on the grounds of starvation" laughed Doug, " Come on man let's get something to eat"

" not hungry. You go ahead though"

" Tom, when was the last time you ate anything?" asked Doug seriously

" the other night" said Hanson

" When we went for pizza?" cried Doug

" Yeah. That sounds bout right" replied Hanson

" I'm making some dinner and _you_ are gonna eat it!" snapped Doug firmly

" Doug I don't want any" protested Hanson, " You're just gonna make it and then it's gonna end up in the trash!"

" No I'm gonna make it and then you're gonna eat it"

" I'm not"  
" you are"

" Im not"  
" You are"  
" I'm really not" snapped Hanson

" Oh but you really are" retorted Doug going into Hanson's kitchen. He came back about 15 minutes later carrying two plates upon which stood what could only be described as two pieces of bread with a block of cheese and a packet of ham wedged between them.

" Er Doug, Do I have _any _food left in my fridge? I mean you are aware you're meant to cut the cheese and not slap the whole block between the slices of bread right?"

" Just shut up and eat it" snapped Doug handing a plate to him before sitting down beside him.

" Doug what did you use to cut this bread?" asked Hanson peering at it

" Just a knife"

" the bread knife?"

" There's a special knife for the bread?!" gasped Doug. Hanson rolled his eyes at him and sighed exasperated.

" What else did you put in here?!" asked Hanson lifting the roughly cut slices of bread and examining the filling.

" Will you stop playing with it and just eat it?!" cried Doug.

" How can I eat something that I don't even know what is?" enquired Hanson a sly smile lingering on his lips.

" It's a cheese and ham sandwich!" cried Doug offensively

" Sure doesn't look like one" observed Hanson slapping the pieces of bread back together

" I'm an undercover cop; not a chef!" snapped Doug, " Will you just quit messing around and eat the damn thing?!"

" what if it kills me?"

" HANSON!"

" ok, ok I'm eating it, I'm eating it" Said Hanson. He took a small bite and then waved his hand repeatedly in front of his face. Doug stared at him completely bemused.

" What the _hell_ are you doing now?" he enquired

" Making sure I can still see" replied Hanson

" Oh shut up!" snapped Doug. He turned his attention back to his own sandwich.

" Could do with some mayonnaise" contributed Hanson helpfully

" Hanson, if one more word comes outta that trap of yours criticising these sandwiches, I'm gonna get that jar of mayonnaise and pour it all over your head do you hear me?!" cried Doug

" Am I allowed to answer the question or will that have the same result?"

" I think I preferred it when you were hiding your face in the sofa" muttered Doug. Hanson grinned and carried on eating his sandwich. It was the most normal he'd felt in days.


	12. Chapter 12

_The house is dark. Hanson's walking out of his bedroom trying to block out the whistling wind and the scraping of the tree branches on the window. He puts one tentative foot in front of the other feeling the ominous presence surrounding him. Fear rises up from the pit of his stomach and his heart beat increases with terror. A shadow looms across the hallway and Hanson shrinks back in fright. Dull footsteps echo across the landing as the figure approaches him. The same figure that has haunted his dreams since he was 16-years-old. The scene swims before his eyes and in a flash it's changed. The basement comes into focus and he can feel the familiar ache of copper wire cutting into his paper thin wrists. The figure of Jack is before him, hands on him, grabbing him, violating him, tainting him and hurting him. All the while Hanson can see his leering face, laughing at him, relishing in his agony and torment._

Doug was dozing on the sofa when he was abruptly woken by Hanson's ear piercing scream.

" T-Tommy?" he muttered disorientated. He looked over confused, the room was dark bar for the static emitting from the Tv, Hanson was not on the sofa where he had been sleeping several hours ago.

" Tom?" repeated Doug bewildered. He got up off the sofa and rubbed his eyes desperately trying to shake off the last remains of sleep. He heard a door slam somewhere in the apartment and rapidly followed the sound towards Hanson's bedroom.

" Tommy? Open the door Tommy!" cried Doug desperately trying the door handle. It wouldn't budge. He hammered on the door with his fist.

" Tom open the door or I break it down ok?!" yelled Doug when he received no reply. His concerns for Hanson's safety were rapidly increasing with each passing second. The door stayed firmly shut. Doug rattled the doorknob in frustration before flinging his shoulder against the door with all the might he could muster. The lock splintered and he burst into the room admist splintered wood and jagged pieces of metal.

The room was dark. In the dim light Doug could make out the shadow of a hunched figure in the far corner. Instinctively he flicked the light switch and flooded the room with light. Hanson's pale face looked up at him in fright.

" Tom, what is it? What's happened?" asked Doug panicked. Hanson sat with his arms wrapped around his knees tight, hunched up in the corner, by the side of his bed.

" Nightmare" choked Hanson his eyes wet with tears.

" A nightmare?" repeated Doug

" Nightmare" said Hanson again. He gazed into space, not looking at Doug but looking through him. Watching and waiting. Doug followed his gaze but saw nothing.

" Tommy, what are you looking at?" asked Doug nervously. Hanson broke his stare and looked up at Doug.

" I have to stay awake" whispered Hanson, " He's gonna get me"

" You should never have watched that movie" snapped Doug, " Tommy, Freddy Kreuger's not even real"

Hanson looked up confused. He tightened the grip on his knees.

" Not Kreuger. Not scared of Kreuger. What can he do? Even if he was real, he'd only kill you. That wouldn't hurt that long. No not Kreuger" murmured Hanson returning his attention to the doorway.

" Come on Tommy, Come on you were doing so well" muttered Doug under his breath. He took a slow step towards his friend, unsure of his reaction, would he flinch away? Lash out? Or would he just let Doug approach him?

Hanson just sat staring at the doorway a grim look of determination and expectation on his face. Doug slid down in the corner so that he was sat beside him. Hanson moved slightly so that their bodies didn't touch.

" Tell me what happened in the dream Tommy" whispered Doug

" No"

" well at least tell me why you weren't on the sofa anymore"

" We watched movies then halfway through I fell asleep"

" I remember" said Doug

" And then I woke up to go to the bathroom and decided I would go to bed. Didn't want to wake you up so left you, left TV, just went to bed. Went back to sleep, had nightmare and got scared." said Hanson not taking his eyes from the doorway, " Have to keep him out"

" Jack?" questioned Doug softly. Hanson stared at him, his eyes wide with terror.

" yes. Yes! We have to make sure he doesn't get in!" cried Hanson. He scrambled up off the floor and ran out into the hallway clicking lights off as he did so. Doug hurried after him.

" see, see!" cried Hanson frantically fiddling with the bolts and chains on his front door.

" See what Tom?" asked Doug bewildered

" These wont keep him out. They're too flimsy. I need new locks. Come on we gotta go get some!" panicked Hanson

" Tom it's 3am! There's no stores open at this time of the morning" Doug tried to explain to his friend.

" No no he waits until it's late because then, then she's asleep"

" What?"

" It's always dark. Always. Has to be. don't wanna see it. Hide. Gotta hide under the covers." whispered Hanson, " Then I can hear him. On the stairs. Loose floorboards. They creak, always did, dad he was gonna fix em only he never got round to it and I didn't know how. But he's on the stairs. Comes into my room"

" I gotta keep him out!" continued Hanson forcefully.

" Ok Tommy, ok I understand." said Doug gently, " Come on you go lie down on the sofa and I'll fix this ok? I'll make sure no one can get in"

" no one ok? Don't let no one in!" cried Hanson panicked.

" I wont Tommy I swear. Just me and you ok?"

" yeah. Yeah me and you" repeated Hanson. It struck Doug how childlike Hanson had become.

" Ok Tommy, you go lie down on the sofa ok? Go back to sleep and I'll make sure you're alright" said Doug soothingly.

" No! No I have to stay awake!" cried Hanson hysterically, " I have to be awake! I have to he's gonna get me Doug, He's gonna get me!"

" shhhh calm down, calm down" hushed Doug, " It's ok, you don't have to go to sleep ok? Not if you don't want to. Will you go lie down though? Just lie down on the sofa for a few minutes and watch a movie whilst I sort this out?"

" will you be here?" asked Hanson his voice shaking

" Right here" confirmed Doug

" promise?"

" Tommy I _swear_ I'm gonna be right here" assured Doug, " Now please will you go lie down?"

Hanson nodded slowly before going over to the couch and lying down hunched up on his side in the foetal position, feet drawn up to his chest and watched the static emitting from the TV. Doug knew better than to question him, it would only upset him further. Hanson's state of mind was extremely fragile at the moment and he had no intentions of causing him anymore torment. He'd been through enough already.

" Doug?" called Hanson. Doug made a big pretence of tightening the locks. There was no need for Hanson to be so scared of an intruder, he had his apartment rigged out like fort knox already what with the bolts, chains, deadbolts and yale locks. No one was gonna get through all that in a hurry.

" Yeah?" asked Doug turning round. Hanson was still lying in the same position staring at the static. There was a long pause.

" If I died would you miss me?"

" What the hell kinda question is that Tom?!" cried Doug alarmed.

" would you?" repeated Hanson

Doug came over to the sofa where he lay and sat beside him.

" Tommy you're my best friend of course I'd miss you" he said softly

Hanson gave him a disbelieving stare.

" Tommy I would!" stressed Doug.

" why?"

" what do you mean _why_?!"

" Why would anyone miss me? I just cause trouble wherever I go. Nobody loves me or cares about me. I don't deserve any of that" said Hanson his voice low. Doug had a funny feeling his friend was parroting this from somewhere. Probably his sadistic mother.

" Who told you that, your mother?" spat Doug.

" uh huh" choked Hanson, " It's true though isn't it?"  
" No Tom, no it's not!" sighed Doug.

" If I just left tomorrow nobody would even notice. I could just get up and leave. Sneak out before anyone got up and run" whispered Hanson. Doug stared confused. It was hard to keep up with Hanson when he was jumping so quickly from the past to the present.

" What time do the stores open?" asked Hanson

" Bout 7ish"

" We're getting locks then ok?" said Hanson

" Ok Tom if that's what you want" agreed Doug.

" I have to keep him out" insisted Hanson

" Yes I know" said Doug a touch of exasperation in his tone. Hanson visibly shrank back

" sorry" he muttered, " sorry I'm annoying I know I am, I didn't mean it"

" Ok ok Tom I'm not gonna do anything to you!" snapped Doug. He realised he didn't sound very convincing when Hanson gazed at him terror struck.


	13. Chapter 13

" I really didn't mean to be annoying" whispered Hanson

" I know you didn't" said Doug gently. It was pointless trying to dissuade Hanson from the notion that he'd done something wrong.

" Are you real mad?"  
" What?" asked Doug confused. He shifted his position slightly on the sofa.

" Don't!" cried Hanson suddenly

" Don't what? Tom I'm not gonna do anything I swear!" snapped Doug exasperated. Hanson scrambled up off the sofa away from him.

" What are you doing? Hanson sit down!" commanded Doug.

" stop yelling at me!"

" I'm not yelling!" snapped Doug

Hanson covered his ears with his hands and screwed his eyes up tight.

" _Now I lay me down to sleep, I pray the Lord my soul to keep, If I should die before I wake, I pray the Lord my soul to take." _ whispered Hanson repeatedly. He rose his voice with each new rendition until he was almost yelling the prayer. Doug couldn't stand it any longer.

" STOP IT!" he yelled grabbing Hanson by the wrists and yanking his hands away from his ears. Hanson stopped mid sentence and looked up at him, his lips parted and his eyes wide. He gulped.

" I have to finish it" he muttered

" Finish what? Your inconsistent, incoherent rambling?!" spat Doug

" It's a prayer!"

" I know it's a prayer!" cried Doug, " what I don't know is why you randomly started speaking it!"

" I have to finish it!" repeated Hanson furiously

" WHY DID YOU START IT?!" yelled Doug. Hanson tried to pull free. Doug tightened his grip

" I'm not going to" whispered Hanson

" What? You're not going to what? Sleep, eat, talk sense?! What is it exactly that you're NOT going to do Hanson?!" spat Doug

" You don't scare me! I'm not gonna run, I'm not!" yelled Hanson

" I'm not asking you to am I?" cried Doug releasing him. Hanson took a quick step back.

" I hate you!" snapped Hanson

" Oh it's _me_ you hate now?"

" Yes" said Hanson a defiant look on his face.

" And why is that? Because your mother abused you or because Jack abused you? Because Fuller knows and I know? Or maybe because you've blocked all the bad things out for eight years and they're all flooding back and you can't take it?"

" SHUT UP!"screamed Hanson furiously.

Silence reigned upon the apartment until hanson took it upon himself to mutter his prayer quietly to himself. Doug resisted the urge to grab hold of him and shake him until his teeth rattled. He cared about Hanson but he didn't understand him and he had no idea how to deal with him when he was like this. So paranoid and distressed. So unlike Tom Hanson.

" What the hell are you doing Tom?" questioned Doug

" I have to say it. I have to." replied Hanson

" Hanson because I have to, does not answer my question!" cried Doug

" BECAUSE IT HELPS!" yelled Hanson, " IT KEEPS HIM OUT AND IT MAKES HER HAPPY!"

" what are you talking about?"  
" She wants me to pray, to go to church, to not be evil" whispered Hanson, " And he, he wont bother me if I'm praying because she, she wont let him"

" What is she some religious nut?"  
" No!" cried Hanson swiftly, " No, No she's a real good person! Not a nut"  
" HANSON SHE'S A CHILD ABUSER!" yelled Doug furiously.

" she just wants me to be good"

" I cant believe you're parroting this crap! Have you learned _nothing_ during your time on the force?! IT IS NOT YOUR FAULT. YOU ARE THE VICTIM. YOU ARE NOT EVIL. YOUR MOTHER IS SICK!" cried Doug

" I never said she wasn't" muttered Hanson

" You just said…_oh forget it_!" cried Doug frustrated.

" Why do you keep yelling at me?! I didn't do anything!" cried Hanson

" I'm not yelling at you!"

" You are!" cried Hanson agitated, " You are and I didn't even do anything, I was being good honest!"

Doug tried to calm himself. Hanson was obviously having flashbacks. At least he hoped flashbacks and nightmares were the cause of his erratic behaviour and meek persona.

" Ok, ok" he said quietly, " Are you gonna sit down?"

" will you stop yelling at me?" asked Hanson

" Yes I'll stop yelling at you" muttered Doug. Maybe agreeing with Hanson was the way forward. He certainly seemed calmer if Doug assured him what he was doing and saying was correct and "good".

Hanson stood there.

" I thought you said you were going to sit down" sighed Doug.

" I did?" asked Hanson looking slightly confused.

" _yes _you did!" snapped Doug exasperated. Hanson looked at him meekly, he was constantly switching. One minute he was scared witless, the next he was lashing out at everything and everyone. Doug couldn't understand it. Why couldn't he just be…….Hanson?

Tentatively Hanson sat down beside Doug, hunching himself up so that he made himself as small as possible, determined that their bodies should touch under no circumstances whatsoever.

" I'm not going to sleep" muttered Hanson

" So don't, I'm not making you" said Doug frustrated. He was tired but if Hanson wasn't sleeping then he couldn't sleep. When he was in one of these funny moods there was no telling what he would do. Doug felt it was his responsibility to watch him round the clock in order to make sure he didn't hurt himself.

" And I'm not going to try top myself either if that's what you're thinking" muttered Hanson darkly

" Good"

" Cause it's pointless" continued Hanson, " Nobody does anything anyway. They just send you home"

" So the only reason you have for not killing yourself is the fact that they'd bring you home?!"

" That's what they did last time!" snapped Hanson

" THIS ISNT LIKE LAST TIME!" yelled Doug . Hanson jumped off the sofa, ran into the bathroom and slammed the door. Doug heard the lock slide into place. He stormed over and hammered on the door.

" Tom, open the door!"

" No!"

" OPEN THE DOOR!" yelled Doug. It was one thing Hanson locking himself in his bedroom, it was another entirely when he locked himself in his bathroom.

" You said you'd stop yelling, you said, you said!" whimpered Hanson. He had his back to the locked door, he slid down it until he was sat on the floor, knees splayed apart, head in hands.

" Open the door" said Doug

" Open the door, open the door, open the door" repeated Hanson softly his voice slightly muffled by his hands. Doug got the general gist.

" Why are you just repeating what I say?!"

" Why are you just repeating what I say?"

" HANSON!"

" You think my dad was a hero?"

" What?!" exclaimed Doug startled by the sudden shift in topic.

" You think my dad was a hero? You know getting killed by that robber." muttered Hanson

" I guess" replied Doug confused.

" what the hell's so heroic bout being shot anyway?!" yelled Hanson suddenly, " real great move dad getting blown away by some punk ass thief!"

" Hanson will you just open the door?!!" cried Doug. He was sick of Hanson's rambling, his incoherent and unexplained mutterings into a past that Doug could never fully understand. He was sick of being left to pick up the pieces.

" He wasn't a hero Doug!" spat Hanson, " He was never even around! He was out there saving everyone but me"

" HANSON WILL YOU JUST OPEN THE FUCKING DOOR!" screamed Doug.

" No!" cried Hanson plaintively , " I just wanna sit here Doug, I'm not doing anything wrong. I'm just sitting I swear. I just wanna sit. Honest Doug. Honest!"

" well sit with the door _open_!"

" I feel safer here"

" I DON'T CARE HOW SAFE YOU FEEL IN THERE! YOU'VE GOT YOUR APARTMENT RIGGED OUT LIKE FUCKING FORT KNOX AS IT IS! HOW THE FUCK IS IT SAFER IN A BATHROOM FOR CRYING OUT LOUD?!" roared Doug hammering on the door. Hanson flinched. He covered his ears with his hands again trying to block Doug out.

" Stop yelling at me" he whimpered, " Didn't do nothing I _swear_!"

" GET OUT OF THE BATHROOM!"screamed Doug. His voice filtered through Hanson's barriers.

" No I didn't _do _anything!" yelled Hanson removing his hands.

" I'M NOT FUCKING AROUND ANYMORE TOM EITHER COME OUT OR IM COMING IN!"

" No!"

" YOU GOT TIL THE COUNT O' THREE!" warned Doug. Hanson scrambled up off the floor hastily knowing full well Doug would bust open the door. He backed up as far as he could resting against the edge of the bath tub. Seconds later the lock splintered and Doug burst in a look of pure fury on his face.

" Out, NOW!" he snapped

" No" replied Hanson his voice wavering with fear. He flinched backwards as Doug stormed towards him. He cried out in pain as Doug grabbed him by the arm, digging his nails into the tender flesh.

" move, now!" cried Doug

" No, let go Doug you're _hurting_ me!" wailed Hanson. His pleas fell on deaf ears as Doug took it upon himself to physically remove Hanson from the room.

"sit down and shut up!" cried Doug furiously dragging him into the living room.

" You can't tell me what to do" stammered Hanson

" WATCH ME!"yelled Doug angrily. He had finally snapped. The pressures of Hanson's secrets and screwed up behaviour had finally taken its toll on him. He could only withstand so much afterall and Doug Penhall had reached his limit.


	14. Chapter 14

" let go Doug!" cried Hanson

" Sit down!" snapped Doug irately

When Hanson refused to move of his own accord Doug roughly pushed him on the sofa and held him there when he attempted to get back up.

" You're not going anywhere. I have had it up to _here_ with you locking yourself in rooms and shit. You are gonna sit here and watch tv. I don't care if you go to sleep or not just so long as you let _me_. Now just sit here and _shut up_!"

" Let go!" yelled Hanson.

" I'm warning you Hanson _SHUT UP!_" cried Doug. He shifted his weight so that he was pinning Hanson down.

" Let go, let go, LET GO!" hollered Hanson panicked. He struggled feebly.

" SHUT UP AND STAY STILL!" screamed Doug. He lifted his hand and brought it sharply across Hanson's face. The crack resounded around the apartment. Doug got the silence he so desperately craved in an instant.

Hanson put his hand up to his face slowly. When he pulled it away there were traces of blood on his fingers. He stared at it pale faced. Surprisingly he didn't cry. He lifted his shaking hand up so that Doug could see.

" Tom, I-I" stammered Doug ashamed

" Blood" whispered Hanson his voice trembling, " Look"

" Tom I'm so sorry" said Doug softly

" Let me up" said Hanson quietly. Doug moved so that Hanson could sit without being pinned down. He put his hand back up to his nose feeling the warmth and stickiness of the blood as it trickled onto his lip.

" Tissues" muttered Hanson getting up and going back into the bathroom. He returned moments later with wads of tissue paper pressed against his nose trying to stauch the blood flow.

" Tom I'm sorry man" repeated Doug

" Don't matter" mumbled Hanson his voice muffled by the tissues. He sat down on the sofa and was silent.

" You ok?" asked Doug worriedly. Hanson nodded.

"didn't even hurt" he muttered. He pulled the tissues away and winced.

" didn't hurt huh?" asked Doug disbelievingly.

" I said it didn't hurt!" cried Hanson angrily

" Well it looks like it did" snapped Doug

" Yeah well it didn't!"retorted Hanson. He put the tissues back to his nose wiping away the traces of crusted blood. Doug watched him silently knowing full well how much he had hurt Hanson when he lashed out.

" Tom, it's ok I know I went too far" said Doug

" It was my fault" said Hanson quietly picking at his shirt sleeves

" Not really"  
" Yeah it was. I shoulda just shut up and done what I was told" muttered Hanson softly, " it's always my fault, I never do what I'm told. That's why I gotta be taught a lesson. I gotta learn to stay in my place"

" no, Tom listen, you can do whatever you want to, within reason ok? Don't do things you don't want to just because I tell you to!" said Doug

" I lose control sometimes"  
" Hell Tom so does everyone else. Look at what I did!"

" No you don't understand! Sometimes I do things, and I don't really remember. It's like it wasn't me. Well it is me, but not me now"

" What do you mean?" asked Doug confused

" It's like I'm a kid or a teenager or something and I'm getting back at whoever it was who hurt me. Or when I go all crazy….I'm running from them" said Hanson softly. Doug looked at him relieved that he was acting slightly more like the Hanson he was used to.

" Seriously Tommy, try therapy"

" why don't you?!" snapped Hanson

" Because I don't need it!"

" Oh yeah? So you're telling me a guy who's mom commited suicide when he was _six_ doesn't need therapy? That a guy who got the crap beaten out of him _every_ night when he came home from school off his drunken father isn't even a little bit screwed up?! Huh Doug?!" cried Hanson

" shut up Hanson!"

" Can't you take it?" spat Hanson, " don't you wanna talk about it?"

" NO!" yelled Doug

" WELL GUESS WHAT I DON'T WANT TO EITHER!" screamed Hanson, " I don't want people making me relive it and asking me why I didn't tell anyone for eight god damn years. I don't want people thinking things! Things that arent even true!"

" what things?"  
" Oh come on Doug! isn't it obvious?!" snapped Hanson, " Jesus even Booker implies it and he knows fuck all!"

" Tom, nobody implies…that" muttered Doug becoming extremely uncomfortable as what Hanson meant slowly dawned upon him.

" you can't even say it" snapped Hanson

" What's it matter? You're not" said Doug

" no I'm not. But do you know how long it took me to convince myself I wasn't ?!" cried Hanson, " do you know what it does to you?! It screws you up man!"

" And yes Booker _does_ imply it!" He continued angrily, " Why the hell do you think he's always calling me pretty and trying to make something out of nothing with us?"

" with us?"  
" Don't even start!"yelled Hanson

" Start with what?" asked Doug looking genuinely bewildered

" The whole us thing"

" what as in you and me?"  
" stop it!" snapped Hanson

" I'm not _doing_ anything!"  
" Just shut up! I don't like it" snapped Hanson

" Don't like _what_?!" cried Doug

" Just stop!" yelled Hanson

" You know what, you have some _serious _issues!" spat Doug angrily.

" yeah well I'm not the only fucking one then!" retorted Hanson

" Just go to sleep if you've got nothing normal to say" snapped Doug

" I told you I'm not going to sleep!" cried Hanson

" Well shut the fuck up and be normal for a few hours so other people can!" yelled Doug harshly

" I AM NORMAL!" screamed Hanson

" coulda fooled me!" retorted Doug. He paused when he saw Hanson's face. The hurt was plain to see in his soft brown eyes.

" I am" he choked his voice wobbling as the tears threatened to overflow.

" ok ok" muttered Doug

" I am!"spat Hanson wiping his eyes roughly he winced when his wrist made contact with the bridge of his nose.

" Look I didn't mean it the way it sounded"

" Fuck off" spat Hanson bitterly

" Hanson man-"

" FUCK OFF!" screamed Hanson feebly pushing his friend away from him. Doug was on him in a flash pinning him down again. Hanson kicked out.

" STOP FUCKING AROUND!" screamed Doug, " I'M SICK OF IT!"

" STOP PINNING ME DOWN!" yelled Hanson. Doug let him up.

" Why cant you understand?!" snapped Doug

" Why can't YOU?!" spat Hanson, " Why the hell do you keep pinning me down, you KNOW I can't stand it!"

" It's the only way to keep you under control"

" I DON'T NEED CONTROLLING!" yelled Hanson

" Oh yeah? Ok fine! You wanna smash people's faces in? fine! You wanna go beserk and lock yourself in rooms? Fine! You wanna get your sorry ass suspended? Fine! You wanna go fucking crazy and slash your wrists FINE! GO FUCKING DO IT!" screamed Doug.

" I am so fucking sick of keeping you in check. Do you even understand how hard this is for me?" he continued.

" What the hell do you have to deal with?!" spat Hanson, " Ok so sometimes I fuck up. I admit that. I. FUCK.UP. But you, you act like you're here to save me. Like you're going to be my salvation or something. I don't fucking need that. All I need is to be left alone"

" Then why the FUCK do you keep calling me and asking me to stay?!" snapped Doug

" Because sometimes I cant cope ok?! Sometimes I slip. But I don't want you making yourself into some sort of, some sort of martyr. You're not! You act as if everything would be fine in your life if I started acting like I used to well it wouldn't ok? It fucking wouldn't!" spat Hanson.

" Maybe everything wouldn't be fine but it'd be a hell of a lot better" snapped Doug

" So fuck off then! If you cant stand being near me, If I'm so hard to _keep in check _why don't you just leave me on my own to drown?!" snarled Hanson

" Oh for fucks sake Hanson stop being so melodramatic. I've told you and Fuller's told you. If you go see a shrink you'll be sorted. Im sick of this shit!" snapped Doug harshly.

" Oh and who made you a pyschiatrist all of a sudden?" spat Hanson

" YOU! You did! you're the one who's been treating me like a fucking shrink for the past couple of days!" snapped Doug. Hanson glared at him.

" I wish I'd never told you anything" spat Hanson

" Oh yeah?! Well that makes two of us" cried Doug heatedly.


	15. Chapter 15

" I knew you could never understand!" exploded Hanson, " You act like I can tell you anything and then, and then-"

" You _can_ tell me anything! But what the hell possessed you to tell me something like _that_ and then go oh but don't tell anyone. Don't tell anyone when I'm acting weird, don't tell anyone when I'm using co-workers as a punching bag-"  
" You're a fine one to talk!" interrupted Hanson angrily

" I apologised!" yelled Doug

" Don't matter. You still did it" spat Hanson

" I don't fucking believe this! You're holding grudges now?!" cried Doug annoyed. Hanson sat silently.

" Well?!" yelled Doug when he received no reply. Hanson refused to speak

" TALK TO ME!" screamed Doug furiously.

" You can't make me do something I don't want to"

"For fucks sake Hanson grow up!" snarled Doug, " I'm sick of having to pick up the pieces and deal with this. I can't cope with this crap!"

" Try being 16 and having it happen directly to you!" spat Hanson, " see how much harder it is then!"

" Are you aware that you are in fact 24?! This happened EIGHT years ago"

" It still hurts!" screamed Hanson, " Don't you see that? Don't you see?! It doesn't matter if it happened this afternoon, yesterday, last week or a million years ago It still fucking _hurts_! And you, you could never ever get that. EVER! You, You sit there and judge. You don't have a god damn clue!"

" I've had it with this shit! I'm going to sleep and then I'm going into the chapel to do some actual work" snapped Doug. He didn't want to have to think through what Hanson was saying. He knew he didn't understand and that he never could. Hell he wasn't even giving the illusion of understanding anymore. If Hanson didn't keep going off the deep end maybe it would be easier.

" Fine! You go ahead and do that!"  
" Well what are you gonna do?"  
" What the hell do you care?!" spat Hanson.

" you know what? You are the most ungrateful son of a bitch I ever met!" yelled Doug

" DON'T CALL ME THAT!" yelled Hanson furiously.

" well you are! Do you know how stupid you sound when-"

" I am _not_ stupid!"

" Well stop acting like it then!" retorted Doug.

" who the hell do you think you are anyhow?!" cried Hanson, " You think you can just walk all over me? That whenever you say jump I gotta ask how high?! Fuck that! You don't control me, you cant tell me what to do you hear me? You hear?!"

" Jesus Hanson, what the fuck did they do to you? What do you do to a kid that screws them up this badly?" snapped Doug

" You know what they did!" cried Hanson his voice cracking, " You know! She beat me, he beat me, he belittled me, she belittled me, he raped me and wouldn't let me leave. Nobody would let me leave. I was there to do everything. That was my job. I took care of her even though she made my life hell. Even after I slit my wrists I still had to do everything. Every two seconds it was do this Thomas, do that Thomas, Come here, Don't tell anyone, you're evil, so bad, nobody loves you, nobody wants you, You killed your father, EVERYTHING'S ALWAYS MY FAULT!"

" Everything?"  
" everything" confirmed Hanson, " NOW do you get it? Huh Doug? Now can you see why I'm so messed up?! HUH?!"

" You think nobody cares about you"

" I know nobody cares about me" snapped Hanson

" Didn't we cover this?! You've got a chapel full of people worried sick about you!" cried Doug, " And I am sick of having to deal with this on my own!"  
" So go yell at them! They're the ones leaving you to deal with it!"

" No Hanson you're manipulating the situation so that only a select few know what the hell is going on and for some reason you seem to be putting it all on my shoulders!"

" Because You're the only one who ever gave a damn about me!" screamed Hanson

" You just said you knew nobody cared about you" said Doug breaking the uncomfortable silence.

Hanson picked at his shirt sleeves looking at the carpet.

" Sometimes I feel like that" he mumbled

" Let me guess, if you hear something enough times you start to believe it?"

" I guess" muttered Hanson

" It's not true you know. A lot of people care about you"

" I know" said Hanson clearing his throat, " Go to sleep Doug"  
" What are you gonna do?"

" Watch Tv" muttered Hanson stifling a yawn.

" Arent you tired man?" asked Doug

" No" lied Hanson stifling another yawn. Doug gave him a disbelieving look. The mauve shadows under Hanson's eyes spoke volumes. He really hadn't slept properly in days.

" ok well watch Tv then. Im gonna go to sleep here ok?"

" Sure" murmered Hanson. He moved over to the arm chair so that Doug could lie on the couch. Doug was asleep within 15 minutes. Hanson sighed. Now what? He was so tired. So very tired. He felt his eyelids drooping and startled himself back into consciousness He had to stay awake. He had to! He got up quietly so as not to wake Doug and tiptoed into the kitchen. He flicked the light switch on. He felt like he was 16-years-old all over again, sneaking around, making sure he didn't give in to sleep and the nightmares. His eyes lit up as he realized what he could do. From the time when he was a small child he'd been taught it was his job to make sure the house was clean and tidy for his mother getting up for breakfast the next day. He began cleaning frantically making as little noise as possible. Then he started making breakfast just as first light broke. He heard doug moving on the sofa and froze.

" What you doing?" mumbled Doug disorientated. Hanson stood a guilty look on his face, a plate of pancakes in one hand and a spatula in the other. Flour and pancake mixture was stuck to his face.

" Hanson, what are you doing?" repeated Doug sitting up and looking confused

" erm…I…I made breakfast see and er..I-I was gonna clean up honest on-only I lost track of time!" he stammered

" Looks like you made one hell of a mess to me" muttered Doug

" I didn't mean to!" cried Hanson, " I'm real sorry, I'll clean up really I will" . He put the plate on the side and frantically grabbed a dishcloth. In his haste to clean the sideboard he sent the plate of pancakes crashing to the floor. Eyes wide he stood looking at Doug, cloth in hand, frozen to the spot. Doug stared back before closing his eyes and groaning. Not another flashback, he couldn't deal with these first thing in the morning. Hell he could barely cope with them whatever time of day it was. He got up and made his way over to the kitchen

" Please" whimpered Hanson edging backwards. Doug stopped. He was unsure into what role Hanson had placed him. Was he imagining him as Jack, his mother, or was he just remembering the night before?

" Tom come here man"

" No"

" come here" repeated Doug

"NO!" yelled Hanson

" I'm not gonna do anything to you" said Doug gently

" That's what you always say!" exploded Hanson, " it's all lies! All of it! I hate you! I hate you!"

" Go get ready for work Tom" said Doug

" Work?" questioned Hanson

" The chapel?!" cried Doug exasperated. Sometimes he felt like he was dealing with a 5-year-old. Hanson bit his lip and looked at him worriedly.

" I forgot" He whispered, eyes wide. He looked at Doug confusion etched on his pale face.

" It's ok, you just get confused sometimes right?" asked Doug more for his own clarification than anything else.

" Yeah!" cried Hanson eager to pin an explanation onto his behaviour. When he was back in present mode he found his own erratic behaviour unnerving to say the least.

" I get so mixed up, I don't understand and then I get real real scared" Hanson continued in a whisper.

" I know"

" I gotta clean this mess up!" exclaimed Hanson suddenly

" Tommy it's ok-"

" No, No If she sees it she'll get mad!" cried Hanson panicked. He froze when Doug put his hand on his arm.

" She's not here" said Doug gently

" Then why do I keep hearing her?" asked Hanson before breaking down into noisy sobs. Doug knew it was the thought that he was crazy which was tearing Hanson apart.

" Flash backs Tommy, that's all, Flashbacks" said Doug softly patting him on the arm. Hanson pulled back and covered his face with his arms.

" I'm c-crazy" he sobbed. Doug looked on helplessly. He wanted to deny it but he couldn't get the words out. Maybe Hanson _was_ slightly crazy. I mean it was perfectly understandable that a person who had been through what he had would be _kinda_ fucked up.

" You're not really" he finally managed to mutter. Hanson sobbed harder, disheartened and disbelieving as a result of the length of time it had taken his friend to answer.


	16. Chapter 16

**Thanks to everyone for their reviews I really appreciate them. Just wanted to take the opportunity to tell Survivor that I didnt mean Hanson should be ok now because 8 years had passed I was just adding that in the story as something Doug said in the heat of the moment because of the pressure he feels is being placed upon him by Hanson and his secrets. Just wanted to clear that up. Oh and Confused " You'll be sorted" meant that if Hanson goes to see a shrink he'll feel better and the flashbacks will gradually become weaker and less painful. I'm not really sure where this story is going at the minute LOL but hopefully you will like it enough to keep reading anyway.

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" I said you weren't crazy!" cried Doug panicked assuming Hanson's intensified sobbing was a result of him misinterpreting his answer.

" I am" sobbed Hanson, " I am! I do crazy assed things, I lash out at innocent people, I lock myself in rooms-"  
" Yeah but you're just…you're just traumatised" mumbled Doug

" Doug, I hear voices that nobody else can hear!" screamed Hanson through his tears, " I'm fucking crazy and Booker was right"

" What is with you and Booker?!" cried Doug

" what?" snivelled Hanson

" You and Booker. What is with that?" said Doug slowly enunciating each word precisely as if Hanson was an idiot.

" Nothing" sniffed Hanson

" Then why are you always so concerned with what he thinks?!"  
" I'm not!" snapped Hanson wiping his eyes.

" You are! You're always going on bout what he's said to you and asking me if I think it's true"  
" He said, h-he said-"  
" I DON'T CARE WHAT HE SAID!" yelled Doug, " Hanson, you've gotta stop this"

" But-"  
" I don't wanna hear it!" snapped Doug annoyed.

" But Doug he-"

" What? What did he do? Did he call you a name? Did he sit at your desk? Did he steal a stick of your gum? What did Booker do that was so fucking bad? Jesus Tom you're like a little kid" cried Doug, " Booker did this, Booker did that, Doug go sort it. My God!"

He was sick to death of this. Hanson's crying and self pity, his flash backs and erratic behaviour and his lack of self confidence. Most of all his obsession with Booker. He'd noticed that over the past few days Hanson had been placing a lot of emphasis on whatever Booker had to say about him. Letting it get to him or worse believing it.

" I never once asked you to sort it!" choked Hanson, " I can take care of myself. I have done ever since I was a little kid so don't you show up now pretending you're here to save me I told you before I don't need this shit. I can look after myself. I can fight my own battles I don't need your help alright?!"

" Bullshit!" spat Doug viciously. Hanson recoiled. Doug let out an exasperated cry.

" It is bullshit and you know it!" he exploded, " Now if you're gonna go on stupid why don't you phone Fuller and tell him you're taking a sick day?!"

Hanson shook his head vigorously.

" No I don't need to!" cried Hanson sniffing, " I need to buy locks"

" You and your fucking locks!" muttered Doug under his breath. He raised his voice to address his partner who seemed as if his tears could finally be subsiding.

" Ok Tom we'll go buy locks on the way to the chapel"

" strong ones?" questioned Hanson

" Sure" muttered Doug in agreement. Hanson seemingly reassured continued to clean up. Doug went to get ready for work leaving Hanson alone in the kitchen on his knees scooping up pancakes and shattered china.

It took about 20 minutes for Doug to shower and dress; when he came back out the apartment was empty.

" Shit!" he exclaimed. He grabbed his jacket and raced from the apartment running down the main stairwell three steps at a time. He burst through the main doorway and looked around the almost deserted street desperately. Hanson was no where to be seen.

Doug stood for several seconds frantically trying to figure where he'd gone. He couldn't believe he'd turned into a babysitter for a 24-year-old man. A 24-year-old man who had been through hell and couldn't bear to be in an apartment alone.

" Doug!"

Doug turned frantically to see Hanson walking towards him clutching a brown paper bag. As soon as Hanson approached him Doug sent the bag flying to the ground and clutched Hanson by the collar of his shirt.

" Where the _hell_ have you been?!" he screamed furiously. Relief surged through him that he was safe but it was outweighed by the anger he felt at his own stupidity. Why had he been so panicked by Hanson's disappearance? He knew why; the state Hanson was in lately anything could happen, he could have been dead in a ditch and he wouldn't have known. Now he just sauntered up to Doug in the street as if nothing had happened? Doug was pissed.

" I-I-I went t-to get l-locks" stammered Hanson trying to indicate the bag on the floor. He was finding it difficult with Doug's hands almost wrapped around his throat.

" Why didn't you wait and go before we went to the chapel like I said?" cried Doug

" I dunno" stammered Hanson shaken. He pulled at Doug's hands which were bone white he was clutching him so tight. Coming to his senses, Doug released him. Hanson rubbed his collar bone trying to ease the pain before picking up the bag. He turned on his heel and silently walked back up to his apartment with Doug in hot pursuit. He slammed the door behind him, Hanson stood in the front room a sulky look on his face.

" Don't do that" he said quietly

" Do what?!" cried Doug

" Slam the door like that, it hurts"

" It hurts the door?!"

" No it hurts my ears" replied Hanson looking at Doug as if he was stupid.

" were you this cocky and arrogant as a kid?" snapped Doug harshly. Hanson stared at him knowing full well what he was leading up to.

" Only to people who deserved it" he replied coldly

" Maybe if you'd done what you were told you'd have got in a lot less trouble" spat Doug

" YOU ARE _NOT_ MY FATHER!" screamed Hanson furiously. Doug gaped at him.

" what the hell?"

" You! You're not my father so quit acting like it!" yelled Hanson , " And don't you _dare_ try imply that I deserved any of that shit I got put through. DON'T YOU DARE!"

" I'm not saying th-"

" Yes you are! You think I didn't try? What the fuck do you think I did as a kid? I didn't do a fucking thing to deserve any of that shit and if you think I did then you, you're as sadistic and screwed up as them!" screamed Hanson

" will you let me finish?!" yelled Doug

" You're finished!" retorted Hanson, " Glad to know what you really think now why don't you fuck off and leave me the hell alone?!"

" I NEVER SAID YOU DESERVED IT. YOU'RE TWISTING MY WORDS AND HEARING WHAT YOU WANT TO HEAR! YOU WANT THE WORLD TO BE AGAINST YOU, YOU WANT EVERYONE TO HATE YOU SO YOU CAN LOCK YOURSELF AWAY AND WALLOW IN SELF PITY. WELL GUESS WHAT?! I WONT LET YOU!" roared Doug.

" I wasn't cocky and arrogant" spat Hanson, " I was just me and I got the crap kicked out of me for it. I got my soul stolen for it. I GOT FUCKING TORN TO PIECES!"

" Look Tom I didn't mean to imply that you deserved it ok?" said Doug. Hanson glared at him, his soft brown eyes filled with fury.

" You don't mean to do a lot of things" he snapped

" Look who's talking!" retaliated Doug. Hanson glared at him his fear replaced by fury.

" I hate you"

" So you keep saying" snapped Doug annoyed.

" well I do" muttered Hanson

" Ok you keep telling yourself that" snapped Doug, " Whilst you carry on with your little delusions, I'm gonna go to the chapel and actually do some work"

" They're _not _delusions!" spat Hanson, " You're just like everybody else"  
" Oh am I?" snapped Doug, " I don't see anyone else being stuck looking after you, listening to you and sorting you out do you?!"

" I don't need _you_ to sort me out!" cried Hanson

" You see anybody else volunteering to?!" spat Doug


	17. Chapter 17

Hanson looked at Doug his expression not too dissimilar to that of a dog which has just been kicked.

Before Doug could even attempt or better yet even _consider_ an apology Hanson stormed into the bathroom. Running water could be heard so Doug left him to it knowing there was no way Hanson was taking a day off work. His pride wouldn't let him. Determined to show he could cope alone Hanson would do anything. Particularly to get back at anyone who hurt him. Doug knew he was in for a rough couple of hours and if Hanson was in a normal mood he would have expected the silent treatment. He kinda hoped he'd get it for once. At least he'd have a few hours peace.

Hanson came out of the bathroom with his hair soaking wet wearing the clothes from the day before. He went into his bedroom and came out in fresh clothes consisting of his usual worn jeans and long sleeved shirts.

" You going to the chapel?" asked Doug. He received no response. He tried to quash the guilty feeling of relief which bubbled up inside him. If Hanson refused to talk to him then at least he could relax for a few hours. He assumed they were going to the chapel when Hanson walked out of his apartment and stood waiting for him to leave. Doug rolled his eyes before leaving the apartment allowing Hanson to lock up. The journey to the chapel was a silent one.

" Hey look who it is!"

" Don't start Booker" muttered Doug as he and Hanson walked into the chapel office.

" what, can't a guy be happy to see his favourite partners?" asked Booker a smirk on his bruised face. Evidently his beating had not affected his ego in the slightest. He leaned against Judy's desk whilst she gazed on lovingly. Doug felt sick to his stomach.

" Hey Booker" said Hanson softly. Doug stared in surprise and annoyance.

" You'll talk to him but you wont talk to me?!" he snapped angrily. Hanson shot him a withering look.

" ooh tension within the golden couple? Please do tell!" cried Booker his voice dripping with sarcasm.

" We're not a couple" said Hanson defensively as he walked over to his desk. He sat down and tilted his chair back, resting his legs on the table.

" You sure act like one"

" What, are you jealous?" snapped Doug. Hanson shot him a questioning look. Doug ignored it. Booker smiled.

" wrong person Dougie. I'm not the jealous one" he said, " See, I cant stand Hanson and he knows it. You on the other hand seem to be torn between your pretty little partner and Judy"

" shut up Booker" snapped Hanson. As angry as he was with Doug he wasn't about to sit back and let Booker rip him to shreds about Judy. He knew it was a raw subject with his friend even if he refused to discuss it with him.

" I thought you and Dougie were having a lovers spat Tom?"

" Stop implying that shit!" snarled Hanson

" stop implying what?" asked Booker faking innocence

" You know what! Just stop it right now!" cried Hanson

" He's not doing anything" contributed Judy

" Who the fuck asked you?" spat Hanson viciously

" yeah!" concurred Doug eagerly. He shot a glance at Hanson and a moment of understanding passed between them. They may have been in the middle of a vicious argument and Hanson still may have been stung by Doug's comments but there was no way they were going to let anybody else insult or attack each other. Especially not Dennis Booker.

" Don't you talk to her like that!" commanded Booker his tone deadly serious

" Or what? You gonna tell Fuller?" asked Hanson

" I'm warning you Hanson, you start on her and I'll beat your ass" threatened Booker

" Try it" warned Hanson " We both know who'll come off worse"

" Ooh I'm scared!"  
" You should be" muttered Doug under his breath.

" Do you know how immature you sound?" snapped Judy

" SHUT UP JUDY!" chorused Hanson and Penhall

" Lay off her!" yelled Booker furiously

" Or what?" repeated Hanson. He shot Booker a smug smile. Doug observed silently his face clouded with confusion at Hanson's swift change in demeanour. It was as if he was trying to prove that he really didn't need Doug, but that _Doug_ in fact ,needed _Hanson_. Doug's mind almost ached with the mind games. He knew Hanson wasn't doing it deliberately. Well he hoped he wasn't at least.

" I'M WARNING YOU HAN-"

" AT YOUR DESK BOOKER!" yelled fuller coming out of his office, " Hanson get your feet off there this is an office not a holiday resort!"

Hanson removed his feet swiftly and sat up trying to look as alert and prepared for work as possible. He wasn't fooling anyone least of all Fuller. He could see by his somewhat dishevelled appearance that Hanson hadn't slept very well the night before and judging by the glances that he and Doug kept exchanging between themselves they seemed to have had another falling out. Fuller despaired sometimes he really did. Nobody thought to tell him when they placed him as the captain of Jump Street that the officers who _looked _young enough to be teenagers tended to _act _like them too. He shot Booker an annoyed glance when he saw that the officer was still stood hovering between Judy's desk and Hanson's.

" Booker sit down!"

" But capt-"  
" DID YOU NOT HEAR ME SAY SIT DOWN?" yelled Fuller

" WHAT IS WITH THIS PLACE?" shouted Booker, " THIS IS MEANT TO BE A POLICE UNIT. THAT MEANS THERE'S MEANT TO BE PARTNERS WITHIN THE UNIT. NOT FAVOURITISM FOR CERTAIN OFFICERS!"

" There's no favouritism here Booker" muttered Hanson

" Yeah, We just don't like _you_" said Doug glaring at Booker.

" You're out of order Penhall" snapped Fuller

" _I'm_ outta order what about _him_?" snapped Doug thrusting a finger in Booker's direction

" Yeah what about him!"

" I don't recall asking for your opinion Hanson" snapped Fuller. Hanson shot him a sulky stare.

" Now Booker sit at your own desk, and all of you please try to do some actual work for a change!"

" I did work yesterday" said Booker, " Well I tried to, but s_omebody_ got a little bit out of hand"

" You wanna see it happen again?!" snapped Hanson

" what, you forgot to take your meds _again_? Come on Tom you know the doctor says you gotta take _all_ those little blue pills if you wanna stay out of the crazy house" mocked Booker

" Fuc-"  
" ENOUGH!" Fuller butted in before Hanson had a chance to complete the obscenity. He shot a stern glance to both young officers.

" It seems you two still have a problem with team work"  
" Team work's fine. Booker's a jerk" muttered Hanson

" pot. Kettle. Black ,Hanson" retorted Booker with a smirk.

" Ok you two are police officers, not second graders on the playground and you_ will _get along is that understood? You don't have to like each other, you don't even have to pretend to but you _will_ be civil towards each other. You hear me?!" chastised Fuller

" Yes sir" mumbled Hanson.

" Good" snapped Fuller storming back into his office. As soon as his office door had shut Booker stormed over to Hanson's desk. Hanson looked up, a bored expression on his face enjoying the role reversal, Doug watched on silently positive it was all going to end in tears.

" Booker go back to your desk man"

" fuck you _Hanson_" spat Booker,

" That's not very nice" said Hanson grinning.

" Do you want me to hit you?!" barked Booker. Hanson's face turned deadly serious. He sat up in his seat and leaned forward, his soft brown eyes a fiery black.

" Do you wanna see what happens if you do?" said Hanson his voice barely audible.

Booker smirked before leaning in so that only Hanson could hear.

" Let's see how tough you are on your own"

He pulled away and wandered over to his desk leaving a confused and pissed off Hanson staring at his retreating back.

The morning continued in near silence, the tension so thick within the chapel that the air could have been cut with a knife. Hanson and Penhall refused to speak more than a few curt words to each other, Hanson and Booker were glaring daggers across the room and Judy was furious with everyone but her lover.

Around noon Hanson stood and went to leave. Doug looked up as he walked between the desks.

" Where you going?" he enquired his hand hovering over a half completed form.

" To get food" said Hanson shortly. Booker watched silently.

Hanson was in the corridor when he felt the familiar feeling of fear rise up from the pit of his stomach. The hairs on the back of his neck stood on end and he quickened his pace desperate to shake off the presence he felt weighing so heavily upon him.

He was nearing the door when he felt rough hands sink into his tender shoulders. The rough walls of the chapel came up to greet his face as his cheek grazed across the uneven stones. He barely had time to struggle when he was roughly swung round, his head bounced off the wall and dazed, he blinked as the gloating face of Dennis Booker swam into focus.

" Get off" he muttered.

" Awww poor Tommy Hanson all on his own. No Doug to save you" taunted Booker

" I don't need Doug to save me" spat Hanson, " Besides genius, he's only in the chapel."

" You really think I'm gonna hurt you?" laughed Booker

" You're an asshole" snapped Hanson. Booker slapped him sharply across the face.

" Don't talk to me like that! Who the hell do you think you are? The great Tommy Hanson, top of his class in the academy, Fuller's favourite, Doug's pet-" spat Booker

" stop saying shit about me and Doug!" hissed Hanson

" why? everyone knows it's true" snapped Booker

" NO IT'S NOT" shouted Hanson.

" What's the matter Tommy, not quite ready to be outed yet?" said Booker with mock concern, " That's ok, I know how you feel".

Hanson's eyes widened.

" Y-You're-"

" Bi." said Booker with a wry grin. He tightened his grip on Hanson who was growing more uneasy by the minute.

" Don't touch me"

" What do you take me for? I don't touch other people's property Hanson and it's pretty clear who you belong to"

" stop it!" begged Hanson

" Awww what's the matter Tommy are you upset about your little fight with Dougie?"

" Stop it!" repeated Hanson angrily

" You wanna know the best way to get back at him?"

" no, I don't need to-"

Hanson froze mid sentence as he was cut off by Booker's lips pressed against his own, forcing his mouth open, he could feel the sickening yet horribly familiar sensation of a strange tongue probing his mouth, the taste of cigarette ash engulfed him.

_Do you like it Tommy? I think you do. You like your little lessons. If you didn't you'd be a good boy. You'd stop upsetting your poor mother. Don't act like this is my fault. You make me do it Tommy. All you have to do is behave yourself._ The memories overwhelmed him. He wanted to scream.

Hanson struggled harder and Booker tightened his grasp ensuring that he was backed into the corner unable to move. Over Booker's shoulder Hanson saw the startled and confused face of Doug Penhall.

" What the _hell _is going on?!" he spat. Booker and Hanson sprang apart.

" Just showing Hanson a little trick" said Booker smirking. He pushed past Doug, paused at the office entrance and blew Hanson a kiss before sauntering back into the office. Hanson sunk to the floor and sat with his knees splayed on the damp cold stone. He stared up at Doug, his face white and his eyes vacant.

" What the hell happened Tom?" asked Doug, Hanson put a hand to his mouth gently, when he pulled it back there were tiny spots of blood where Booker's teeth had evidently grazed his lip. He scrambled up off the floor and into the men's room Doug followed him and heard retching from one of the stalls. He pushed open the door to find Hanson crouched down on his knees in one of the stalls, tears threatening to overflow.

" I'm not gay Doug" he choked looking up at him, his eyes wide and watery. Confusion and heartache was strewn across his pale face.

" I know that"  
" Then why, why do th-they keep d-doing th-things t-to m-m-me-" Hanson stuttered. He broke down and as his sobs reverberated around the tiny cubicle Doug was disheartened to discover that his assumption earlier had come true. It had all ended in tears.


	18. Chapter 18

**Ok before the newest chapter starts just wanted to say I appreciate everyone's reviews but I was wondering why it was so hard for people to believe Booker was Bi? Is it the style I've written him in or just his character? Just wondering for the next time I write LOL. Any helpful comments will be appreciated. Hope you like this chapter even if I seem to be suffering from some sort of mental block. Ah well enjoy it anyway :-D

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" Tommy you have to report him"

Hanson looked up his eyes wet and fearful

" Report him?"

" Tommy it's harassment" said Doug softly, " You gotta tell Fuller"

" He won't believe me" muttered Hanson sniffing. He wiped his mouth with his sleeve.

" Tommy it's _Fuller, _he always takes complaints seriously you know he does!"

" I don't _want _to tell him!" exploded Hanson, " I don't want people thinking what he says is true!"

" What does he say? What is it that you're so unsure of?!"

" Doug he thinks me and you-" Hanson paused, " I'm not unsure of anything! I know we're not, he's the one who keeps saying stuff and making up lies!"

" Well stop letting him get to you"

" STOP LETTING HIM GET TO ME?! Doug, he _kissed_ me!" screamed Hanson, " He's not just winding me up with sarcasm and pathetic lies anymore Doug, he's trying to do stuff to me!"

" What did he kiss you for?"

" He says he's bi" sniffed Hanson, " And now he's trying to do stuff to me"

" Do you think maybe, just maybe, you're equating him with Jack again?" asked Doug cautiously. Hanson looked up swiftly

" Do you know what Jack did to me in that basement? Do you?"

" Yes" said Doug softly

" And just how the hell do you think that started?!" spat Hanson his eyes welling up with fresh tears, " So don't look at me like that and think I'm stupid for being scared! HE IS JUST THE SAME AS JACK!"

" Ok, Ok I'm sorry" muttered Doug, " Listen why don't you go get your lunch like you were planning and I'll tell Fuller where you've gone?"

" ok" mumbled Hanson sniffing. He stood up and squeezed past Doug out of the cubicle. Doug followed him out. Hanson looked back over his shoulder as he left knowing full well what Doug was going to do.

Doug strode into the main office. Booker was sat at his desk drawing on a piece of paper, Doug

stormed over to him. Fury was written all over his face.

" Hey Dougie what's up?" smirked Booker. Doug glared at him knowing full well that Booker was enjoying the turmoil he had managed to create.

" can I talk to you for a minute?" said Doug through clenched teeth.

" Talk away" said Booker leaning back in his seat. Doug shot a significant glance in Judy's direction and Booker picked up on the hint. He stood up and followed Doug outside into the corridor. Furiously Doug slammed him up against the wall.

" What the FUCK did you think you were doing?!" he snarled

" I'm really sorry you had to see that Dougie, I mean it must really hurt to see your pretty little lover boy locking lips with somebody else"

" Shut up! Do you even know what you've done to Hanson? Do you?!"

" Rocked his world?" smiled Booker. Doug clenched his fist so tightly his knuckles paled.

" why did you tell him you were bi?" demanded Doug glaring at him

" I dunno." Booker paused, " Maybe I just want to _fuck_ with him"

The double meaning was not lost on Doug and he tightened his grip on Booker.

" Leave Hanson alone" he hissed

" Or what?" taunted Booker

" You so much as look at him in the wrong way and I swear to God I'll kill you" spat Doug

" That's very homophobic of you Douglas"

" STOP FUCKING AROUND!" yelled Doug, " Now I mean it, Leave Hanson alone!"

" Or what? What is it that you're gonna do to me Dougie?"

" I swear to GOD-"

" Yes you'll kill me so you've said" snapped Booker, " But see the thing is Hanson's such a pretty little thing what if I cant help staring?"

" I'm warning you Booker LEAVE. HIM. ALONE!" yelled Doug

" You really are jealous aren't you Dougie?" sneered Booker, " Little question for you though, who is it you want more? sweet little Hanson or Judy? Cause Hanson's a better kisser but man does he struggle"

" SHUT UP!" screamed Doug, in a blind rage he grabbed Booker round the throat. He choked in Doug's vice like grasp.

" Doug stop it!Doug!"

Doug felt the pitiful tugging on his arm and knew it was Hanson. He couldn't understand why though. Why was Hanson so intent on stopping this? Didn't he want to see Booker suffer? Didn't he want the pathetic lies to stop? Subconsciously he tightened his grip.

" DOUG!" cried Hanson fearfully. His tugs grew stronger and more insistent.

Booker's face was red and his eyes were bulging when Doug finally released him. He sank to the ground clutching his throat and gasping for breath.

" Leave him alone" Doug said quietly. Hanson gazed up at his friend terror stricken before looking down at Booker who was still panting for breath on the cold damp floor.

" you shouldn't have done that" stammered Hanson

" I shouldn't have done that? I shouldn't have done that?! Hanson you shouldn't have kicked ten gallons of crap out of him yesterday but you still did! Booker shouldn't have kissed you but he did! Judy shouldn't be going out with such an insensitive piece of shit but guess what? She's doing that too!" screamed Doug furiously.

" You're mad about him and Judy?" asked Hanson his voice barely audible.

" NO!" screamed Doug. Hanson shrank back and he gulped. Suddenly his eyes turned fiery black at the injustice of it all.

" It's not _me_ who's sleeping with her!" he spat, " So why the hell are you taking it out on me anyway?! Go yell at her!"

" Shut up Hanson" snapped Doug

" Awww don''t you like it when lover boy talks back?" croaked Booker attempting to stand. Doug went to retaliate physically but Hanson got there first kicking Booker sharply in the ribs. He crashed to the floor and lay there groaning. Hanson grabbed him by the hair and crouched down beside him.

" Stop with the lovers thing asshole" he whispered in his ear

" Or what?"

" Or next time I don't stop Doug when he's got his hands wrapped around your filthy little throat!" snapped Hanson, " Now you don't touch Doug and you sure as fuck don't touch me you got it? Huh?"

" Bite me" snapped Booker

Hanson rived his head back and Booker cried out sharply

" Ok! Ok I got it!" he cried. Hanson slammed his face hard against the stone maliciously.

" You definatly shouldn't have done that" muttered Doug

" Meh it'll do his face the world of good. God knows he can't look any worse" said Hanson sarcastically. He shot Doug a flippant grin. Booker looked up at them from the ground, blood trickled down his face from the open wound on his forehead.

" You're a fucked up piece of work Tommy" snapped Booker scrambling up off the floor .

Hanson took a step closer his small frame suddenly looked very menacing. Booker shoved past him into the men's room to sort out his brusied and bloodied face.

" you think he'll tell Fuller?" asked Hanson softly

" Hanson, he may be stupid but he's not that stupid" said doug glaring in the direction that Booker had went.

" What do I do if, if he, if he-"

" He wont try anything with you Tommy" said Doug softly

" How do you know?" cried Hanson panicked, " He's right you know, you can't save me every time something bad happens!"

" Hanson just this morning you were telling me you didn't _need_ me to save you. Now what? You need me around 24/7 just cause Booker's been fucking with your fragile little mind again?"

" You know sometimes you can really be a jerk" spat Hanson storming back into the office. Doug leaned against the wall and closed his eyes. He wished he was dead. He was so sick of everything. Trying to figure Hanson out, trying to rebuild his best friend whilst contending with his worst enemy, the whole Judy thing was burning him up as well. He wished it would all just go away. The more he analaysed his problems the more depressed he got and no matter how hard he tried to convince himself otherwise he knew that however bad he was feeling inside Hanson was feeling it ten times worse. And it wasn't fair. He had suffered just as badly as Hanson just not in the same way. He knew what it was like to feel unloved, to be beaten so savagely that you couldn't bear to breathe. He knew what it felt like to be overcome by darkness, to feel so hopeless that the only way to end the pain and suffering was to end your own life. He'd never be able to share this with Hanson. Hanson had too much to cope with. He cared about Hanson he really did. Sometimes he had to ask himself though, who was there to pick up the pieces for Doug Penhall? He was so busy trying to hold Hanson together he sometimes forgot about himself and right at this moment he wished someone would come and pull him from the dark murky waters of hell he seemed to be drowning in. He was sick of being the metaphorical life guard for everyone else.


	19. Chapter 19

**I apologise if this isn't very good LOL I really am struggling with good ideas at the moment. Writer's block sucks. Well I'm trying to wrap this up and draw it to a close so there should only be a few more chapters. Don't worry though I'm working on a sequel as we speak :-D. I hope you like what I've written and if you don't let me know how I could make it better please. Ok hope you enjoy this chapter, thanks to everyone who reviews. I appreciate it.

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" Where's Dennis?" asked Judy her voice clipped. Hanson looked up from peeling his orange at his desk. He had brought back a variety of food with him when he went for lunch but he refused to eat it anywhere but at his desk.

" Bathroom"

" He's been gone awhile. He left with Doug" muttered Judy

" so? Maybe they're talking" snapped Hanson

" In the bathroom?!"

" Isnt that what girls do?" asked Hanson going back to peeling.

" Yeah well I don't know if you've noticed but Dennis and Doug arent girls!" snapped Judy sarcastically. Hanson shrugged uninterested and carried on picking at his orange.

" I'm gonna go find him" said Judy. Hanson gave an exaggerated sigh causing Judy to shoot him a dark look.

" What's your problem?"

" My problem? How long you got?" asked Hanson

" shut up Hanson nobody's interested in your self pitying crap" snapped Judy

" You know you've turned into a right _bitch_ since you started seeing Dennis Booker!" spat Hanson

" Yeah well you've been completely pyscho since the start of December" retaliated Judy.

" I am _not_ pyscho" said Hanson angrily

" oh yeah because sane people regularly go around beating the living daylights out of their co-workers. I mean Sane people come into work totally drunk, sane people-"

" SHUT UP!" screamed Hanson furiously, " Just shut up! Y-you, you have no idea! You think you're so great? So fucking perfect?! Why don't you take a look at yourself and your fucked up boyfriend?!"

" Dennis isn't the one who's fucked up!" snapped Judy pointedly

" yeah right!" scoffed Hanson, " Like he goes around doing perfectly normal things"

" What's he done that was so bad? Do you see him attacking innocent people? Do you?!"

Hanson clenched his fists angrily. He wanted to scream at her, wanted to rip her world to shreds, make her feel the hurt he felt. She was so arrogant and so confident. He wanted her to know what it was like to be betrayed, to be let down by the ones you loved. He wanted to hurt her so badly yet he knew he would never bring himself to do it. He could hit Booker as often as he liked and not feel a twinge of guilt, he could say what he liked to Doug and know he'd regret it dearly but he could still do it because he knew it wouldn't shatter his world into tiny fragments. Yet he knew he couldn't tear Judy's fragile little dream apart. He just couldn't bring himself to do it. The repercussions would be phenomenal not only for Judy and Booker but for Hanson himself. He couldn't bring himself to say the words out loud to anyone but Doug. He felt his face flush just thinking about it. Booker had kissed him. _Booker_. And he hadn't wanted him to. That was some sort of harrassment he knew it, but he didn't want to tell anyone. The shame overwhelmed him. He knew if he started talking he wouldn't stop and he didn't want the whole sordid affair of his childhood spread through the office. Not now, not ever.

" Booker's a jerk" muttered Hanson finally

" You're just jealous" spat Judy

" Of what? The fact that he's with you?!" cried Hanson incredulously, " He's welcome to you, I don't want you! I Never have! I mean who knows what a guy could catch. You must have been with every guy at Jump Street"

Judy flung her chair against her desk furiously and stormed over to Hanson. He slid off his desk so that he was standing knowing he'd crossed the line.

" You bastard!" she screeched. She raised her hand to strike and Hanson ducked. He wasn't about to let another person hit him. He'd had enough and he'd mastered the art of avoiding slaps from an early age.

_You little shit get back here! How dare you talk to me like that?! I mean it Thomas you get your evil butt back here!_

" Leave me alone!" cried Hanson shielding his face with his arms. The memories were so hard to block out, he could hear the voice of his mother screaming at him, his ears buzzed. He covered his ears desperately trying to block it out. Judy stared at him, confused. Hanson backed away, hands over ears , muttering to himself. Booker came into the office and stared.

" What set that nutcase off?" he asked

" I went to hit him" admitted Judy

" Hey Tommy what you doing man? Take your pills like a good boy and stop acting like such a fucking freak" snapped Booker. Hanson took no notice and carried on muttering to himself, trapped inside his own personal hell. Booker walked up to him and grabbed him by the wrists, Hanson scrunched up his eyes and turned his face away screaming.

" GET OFF! DON'T TOUCH ME!"

" why would I touch you?!" laughed Booker

" Dennis let him go"

" He's freaking out"

" So let him go, you don't know what he'll do!" cried Judy panicked, " go get Doug to sort him out"

" I don't know if they're over their little spat yet." sneered Booker refusing to let Hanson go.

" Dennis leave him!" repeated Judy

" I'm not doing anything to him"

" Just let go of him before he totally flips" said Judy

" Looks like he already has to me" snickered Booker. Hanson tugged away forcefully and stumbled backwards landing on the floor in a tangled heap. Booker roared with laughter. The bump brought Hanson back to the present with a bang and he scrambled up off the floor hastily.

" Leave me alone" he muttered backing away from them, he sprinted from the office and barely registered Doug as he fled the chapel.

He stood in the parking lot panting for breath. Why did he keep flipping out? How fucked up was he?!

" I HATE YOU!" his voice echoed around the empty lot. He gripped his hair and sank to his knees the memories causing him so much heartache he couldn't bear to think. He wanted them out. He wanted all this shit out. He'd had enough. He wanted them to feel the agony he felt every morning when he woke. He wanted them to know what it was like to bleed and cry every second of every day. The pain cut him like a knife and he wanted them to know, he wanted them to deal with what they'd done. With what they'd created. Because Tom Hanson had _not_ turned into this animal on his own. They'd made him like this. They'd broke him and they'd fucking fix him. He'd make sure they did. Doug couldn't do it, he sure as fuck couldn't do it on his own. His only option was to confront the people who had broke him down. Maybe, just maybe, that could make him whole again. Fill the void and restore his sanity. He was sick of being this person he'd become. He wanted it all to go away. He wanted to feel free and he wanted to live. He was sick of existing. And if he couldn't live he wanted to burn in hell. Because anything was better than this existence. He was sure of it.

He scrambled up off his knees and dusted the dirt from his jeans. If he was going to do this he had to act normal. He had to be more like Hanson and less like a schitzo. Besides he really didn't want his mother and Jack to see what they'd done to him. He didn't want to give them the satisfaction of knowing they'd screwed him up completely.

He walked over to the mustang aware that Doug was watching him through the window. He turned and waved. A flicker of confusion passed on Doug's face before he raised his hand in a similar greeting.

Hanson climbed into the mustang and drove out of the lot tyres screeching, all the way out of the chapel he saw the confused and saddened face of Doug Penhall in his rear view mirror and wondered why he hadn't thought to ask him to help him this time as he had done in the past. Deep down he knew he had to do this on his own he needed to prove he could survive that he didn't need anyone else to fight his battles for him.

He pulled up outside the house a few hours later and sat staring. It loomed before him cast in the shadows of darkness. He knew that meant nothing. Knew that his mother and Jack would be sat in the living room, curtains drawn watching some drivel on tv. It was as if he'd never been away. The garden still looked the same, the house was still the same and he knew the people inside would be exactly the same as well. Well good he didn't want them to have changed, he didn't want them to be sorry, he didn't want to forgive. He wanted to hurt, to cause pain and to avenge. He still felt nauseous at the thought. The anger bubbled up inside him but it didn't quash the fear he felt.

His cell phone rang and immediately he answered it. Old habits die hard. He'd gotten one as a teenager so that his mother could keep tabs on him wherever he went. She wanted to make sure he was being a good boy.

The connection wasn't very good out here, it never had been. Hanson was used to deciphering the voice of the caller drowned in the static.

" Hey Doug" he said softly.

" Hanson? Where the hell are you man?" Doug's voiced crackled down the line

" Gone home" said Hanson. It wasn't a lie exactly.

" You ok?"

" yeah I'm fine. Are you?"

Doug paused. It had been a long time since he'd been asked that question. Too long. He wanted to open his heart to Hanson, to spill his guts and pour it all out. Let him know how bad he was feeling. But he couldn't. Hanson wasn't strong enough for it. He couldn't cope. Doug had to think of Hanson right now. It was only fair.

" Yeah. Yeah I'm fine" he muttered eventually.


	20. Chapter 20

**okey dokey this is the final chapter of this story. I hope you like it. It's probably really obvious what Hanson's gonna do but I hope it seems realistic and keeps in with the general tone of the rest of the story. I'm writing a sequel now which I should start uploading soon. If it seems a bit like there's a lot of lose ends I'll try tie them up in the sequel. Well I enjoyed writing this and I hope you enjoyed reading this. I apologise for the awkward layout I dunno what happened and if there's typos or spelling mistakes I apologise I got really caught up writing the whole thing. Ah well enjoy the final chapter. Thanks to everyone who has read and reviewed I appreciate it a lot.**

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" Good. Listen Doug don't worry bout me ok? I'm really fine no matter what Booker and Judy tell you"

" Yeah they mentioned something about you flipping out"

" Yeah well it was only for a second and it was their fault!" snapped Hanson, " she went to slap me!"

" What did you do to her?" asked Doug suspiciously

" Didn't do shit!" cried Hanson indiginatly

" must have done something Tommy" sighed Doug

" Ok ok I _may_ have said something along the lines of her being a dirty whore but she brought it all on herself" babbled Hanson

" HANSON!"

" _what_? She _did _bring it on herself!" cried Hanson. He paused, " Ok, ok so maybe I was harsh but Doug she keeps sticking up for him and calling me pyscho"

" So ignore her for christ sakes. You're not five Hanson"  
" I know!" snapped Hanson He glanced over and saw his mother's curtains twitch, " Listen I appreciate you calling and all but I gotta go. I'll see you tomorrow ok?"

" Ok" crackled Doug

They exchanged goodbyes and Hanson hung up. Before he stepped out of the car he made sure his gun was loaded and that it was on his person. He was a cop through and through and if things got heavy he was arresting the bastard. He grabbed his badge just incase.

With a trembling hand he knocked on the door, his heart in his mouth.

The door creaked open and there she stood. She was older and frailer than he remembered.

" What do you want?" she spat

She was still as bitchy as he remembered.

" Can I come in?"

" Depends. What have you come to do this time? I wont have anymore of your lies Thomas, I'm sick of you causing trouble!"

" I don't lie!" snapped Hanson, " I just wanna talk"

" So talk"

" not here it's important" said Hanson softly

" How important could it possibly be-"

" Listen either let me in or I share all your dirty little secrets out here in the the street" snapped Hanson harshly.

His mother glanced up and down the street before yanking him inside by his arm.

" What do you want?!"

" I want to talk" repeated Hanson, " Now can you let go?!"

Furiously his mother let go of his arm.

" You always were a cocky little shit" she spat, " Always back chatting me you evil-"

" I was a kid" interrupted Hanson fiercely, " That's what kids do! And _you_, you were evil, not me. YOU!"

" How dare you talk to me like that?"

" How dare I? HOW DARE I?" screamed Hanson angrily, " Do you know what you did? Do you?!"

" I did my best with you. You were always hard to manage. Your father was useless. Never around and even when I told him what you were like he wouldn't believe me-"

" Cause it wasn't true!" spat Hanson

" I told him all about your little friends. How you were in with the wrong crowd, how you were bringing shame to this house, disgracing the family but would he have it?! No! His precious Tommy was perfect. Well I saw through your little act Thomas. I saw through. You were a nasty little boy and I had to keep you in line!" snarled his mother continuing regardless of her son's protest.

" Keep me in line? Is that what you call it now? See down at the department it gets called child abuse!" spat Hanson.

" Stop with your filthy lies!" cried his mother furiously, " How they ever let someone like you onto the police force is beyond me. Then again you always were the spitting image of your father!"

" Don't you talk bad about him. Don't you dare. You've got no right!" choked Hanson, " He was a good man and he died protecting people, don't you dare try tarnish him with your poison!"

He blinked back the tears as his mother cackled. This wasn't fair. He wasn't a kid anymore so why did she have this iron clad grip over him still? Why did she still have the power to reduce him to tears? She was evil and she knew which buttons to press. Knew the guilt he felt over his father's death, knew how raw it felt even now, knew exactly how to cut him the deepest, to cause the most angst and torment. He hated her. He hated her with all his heart.

" I hate you" he muttered

" Well good. The feelings mutual." she snapped, " I never wanted you, you know. Your father made me keep you."

" So why didn't you let me go then?" sniffed Hanson, " Why didn't you let me leave?!"  
" I was all for you leaving. But Jack, he said you had your uses. I suppose in a way he was right. You were pretty good at cleaning the house and other things"

" You know what that bastard did to me" snarled Hanson, " You're evil and you are _sick_! You go on about religion and forgiveness all the time. You drummed it into me from the time I could talk that I was some evil, worthless person. Well guess what? I wasn't! I do deserve to be loved and people do care about me!"

" Why would anyone care about _you_?"

" Because I'm a decent person. I'm not evil! _I'm not_! I'm fucked up because of you and him!" screamed Hanson

" Don't you dare talk to me like that. I am your mother and you will show me respect"

" You're not a mother!" spat Hanson bitterly, " Mothers don't restrain their kids in basements, mothers don't beat the shit out of them, Mothers don't stand by and listen whilst their son gets raped!"

" stop with your disgusting lies!"  
" They're not lies!" screamed Hanson, " don't you remember? Don't you remember dragging me down into that filthy basement and tying me to the pipes by the wrists? Don't you remember beating me so bad I could hardly breathe? Don't you remember? Huh?Don't you remember the bruises and the scars? Don't you?! How about telling that bastard to teach me lessons? Lessons? You tied me in the basement and you sent him down there and then, Th-then he r-raped me!"

He stopped, too choked up to continue.

"That's a very good story Thomas. You could make it into a movie" snapped his mother coldly

"I'm not making it up and you know I'm not!" spat Hanson through his tears.

"Who exactly have you told your little fabrications to?"

Hanson stared startled

"No one" he sniffed unconvincingly

"Liar" spat his mother viciously.

"NO I'M NOT" screamed Hanson slowly. He stopped when he heard the creak on the stairs. His heart gave a jolt and he felt sick to his stomach. Why had he come here? Why the hell had he thought this would be a good idea?

" Margaret what's going on down there?"

" Thomas was just leaving" snapped Margaret pointedly.

" No I'm not" whispered Hanson . He had to do this no matter how scared he felt, no matter how much he wanted to throw up. He had to get through this. He had to ask them why.

" Ah Tommy" rasped Jack appearing on the bottom step. Hanson subconsciously shrank back out of reach.

" Don't call me that" he stammered, " You're not allowed to call me that!"

" I can call you whatever I like _Tommy_" snapped Jack, " You see I have a…._connection_…to you. A very _close_ connection"

" You're a sick bastard and I hate you" croaked Hanson, " You're gonna burn in hell"

" Don't you talk to him like that!" spat Margaret.

" What about me?!" yelled Hanson, " What about _me_ mom? What did I ever do to you? WHAT DID I DO? Why can't you care about me just once? Just once stick up for me? I never did anything to you. I never did. All I want is for you to love me. Why is that so hard for you to do? Why? I'm not a horrible person I'm not, I'm not! I'm your son and you're supposed to love me. You're su-supp-posed t-to l-love m-me-"

He dissolved into angry, bitter sobs. Broken down and stripped of all smoke and mirrors, the 24-year-old cop was gone and the vulnerable soul of Tom Hanson was plain to see. The neglected, unloved child had nowhere to hide and he was torn apart with sorrow.

Callously Margaret stood, unmoved by her son's tears.

"Are you done?" she snapped, "That's an Oscar winning performance Thomas but unfortunately it doesn't wash with me. It's a shame your father's not here to see it, I'm sure he'd be very proud"

"Leave him be a moment Margaret, can't you see he's upset?"

Hanson stared. The mind games were starting and he was having none of it.

"Shut up" he sniffed, roughly wiping his eyes.

"Now now Tommy that's not very nice now is it?" mocked jack. He limped towards him, age had not been kind. Hanson stumbled back terrified of the face that had haunted his dreams every night since he was 16-years-old.

"Get away from me" he stammered.

"Now, Now Tommy show respect for your dad"

"FUCK YOU!" screamed Hanson anger bubbling up inside him. He was petrified of Jack but he wasn't going to let that remark slide. He hadn't when he was a teenager and it wasn't going to now.

"YOU'RE NOT MY FATHER. YOU'RE A SICK CHILD ABUSER AND I FUCKING HATE YOU!" roared Hanson his voice hoarse with sobbing and rage.

" I'm not a child abuser"

" See I told you, he's constantly telling those disgusting lies, even now" snapped Margaret.

" You work in the police force Tommy, you know what a child abuser is and that's not me" snapped Jack

" Yes it is! That's exactly what you are! How many other kids have you touched you sick bastard?!" yelled Hanson

" Just the one and he wasn't a kid. He was sixteen"

" I fucking hate you" wept Hanson, " I fucking _hate _you!"

" Don't cry Tommy, I don't like it when you cry" mocked Jack. He threw his arms around the younger man and Hanson struggled, panicked. Jack was surprisingly strong for an old man.

" Let go!"

" Come on Tommy, you're just the same as you always were. Begging for attention. You still havent learnt your lessons have you? Maybe you need a little refresher course"

" No!" screamed Hanson. He tore himself free and yanked his gun from it's holster. He clicked the trigger back and took careful aim.

" don't touch me!"

" Put the gun down Tommy" said Jack softly

" Don't come near me! Stay BACK!" screamed Hanson backing up. Jack took a slow limp forward.

" GET BACK" repeated Hanson wildly.

" Come on Tommy, I've heard of playing hard to get but this is ridiculous!" sneered Jack. He didn't seem afraid in the slightest.

" STAY AWAY FROM ME!" screamed Hanson. He aimed the gun at Jack's chest, his heart racing and his hands shaking. Desperatley he tried to hold the gun steady on target.

" You honestly think you're gonna shoot me Tommy? Come on don't be stupid. You don't have the guts. You always were a weak little thing. That's why I liked you so much it was easy to take you"

" Shut up! SHUT UP!" screamed Hanson his teeth clenched. Jack took another step closer.

" Didn't you like it a little bit Tommy? I think you did. I think a part of you enjoyed what was happening. You didn't want it to stop-"

" I BEGGED YOU TO STOP BUT YOU, Y-YOU JUST WENT AHEAD AND DID IT ANYWAY!" yelled Hanson

" You didn't want it to stop. You loved the attention. Someone was finally caring about you weren't they Tommy? Someone was finally showing you they loved you and that's all you'd been craving for years wasn't it? Your mother didn't love you and let's be honest you were an evil little shit at times. You can't really blame her. And your father, he didn't really love you either did he?"  
" You shut up about my dad. You shut up RIGHT NOW! He was the only one who ever cared about me!" cried Hanson. Tears streamed down his face as he once again tried to steady his shaking hands.

" if your dad cared so much about you how come he never saved you huh? How come he was never there for you? You know why Tommy? Because no one really cares about you at all. Not a single person. You're an evil, selfish, crazy little fuck up, who was only ever really good at one thing" spat Jack leering at him. He paused, considering

" Well, I say good. You could have been better"

It happened in slow motion. As if Hanson was watching someone else's life on tv. He saw Jack go to grab him, to touch him and he saw himself snap. He saw himself pull the trigger back and he heard the explosion of the bullet leaving the barrel and entering Jack's chest. He heard his mother's screams and he saw himself pull the trigger twice more, shooting bullets into the convulsing body of his tormentor. Jack lay on the floor in a bloodied heap. He saw himself standing transfixed, pale as a sheet, eyes wet with tears and his hands covered in blood. So much blood. Blood he'd spilt.

He drew a shaking breath and realised it was him. He was the one who'd pulled the trigger not some guy on tv. He realised he was still standing there. The bloodied, gasping body lay on the floor. His mother sobbed over her lover, screaming about evil and ambulances. Prison and life. His eyes widened. He couldn't go to jail. He wouldn't. It wasn't his fault. It was self defence wasn't it? _Wasn't it_?

Panicked Hanson shoved his gun back into the holster, turned and ran. He grasped the handle of his mustang and frantically pulled at it too panicked and jittery to open it first time round. He glanced back at the house and rattled the car door harder. He had to get out of here. He had to.

Finally he managed to wrench the door open, he scrambled in and fumbled with his seat belt. He tore down the road, tyres screeching. The last thing he saw reflected in his rear view mirror as he sped away was the red and blue flashing lights of the ambulance accompanied by the squad of black and whites.

He pulled up outside his apartment, tyres still screeching and raced up the flights of stairs three at a time. Frantically he unlocked the door and shoved various items into a holdall. He couldn't stay here. He had to leave. He couldn't go back to Jump Street. Not now not ever. Coming back meant jail and he knew what happened to people in jail. He couldn't cope with that. He'd rather die. To top it all off he's be an ex-cop in jail. He'd never survive. No he wasn't going to jail. He was leaving. He had to leave.

He bundled some clothes into his holdall and surveyed the room. He grabbed some spare cash off the side and shoved it into his pocket. Then he locked the door and jumped down the stairs before sprinting out the main doors. Time was of the essence. If he wanted his stuff, he'd come back for it later. No scratch that it was too risky. He'd buy new stuff.

He flung the holdall into the mustang before clambering into the front seat. Slamming the door, he put the car in gear and tore up the street.

He pulled to a stop outside the familiar building and looked. The lights were out. What time was it? He didn't know. Didn't care. He debated getting out. No it was impossible. Once he started talking he wouldn't stop and then were would he be? He'd be in jail. He couldn't. they'd make him stay. Convince him to turn himself in. No he couldn't. He wouldn't. He was on his own and he couldn't tell anyone where he was going. Pain ripped through his heart as he drove away from the only place that ever felt like home, from the only person who had ever truly given a damn about him, the person who had honestly tried to save him.

" Bye Doug" he whispered, his voice thick with tears. He put the car back into gear and drove up the road, heading far away from Jump street. As far away as possible. Who wanted a murderer in the police force anyway? He'd confronted his demons, perhaps even killed one. Only he knew for a fact they were going to live on in his dreams, more powerful and haunting than ever before. His only consolation being that at least away from Jump Street he could confront them properly and lay them to rest completely. Perhaps he could rebuild the Tom Hanson he used to know. Perhaps he could learn to survive on his own and truly gain the power to Forget December. He prayed he could as he came off the interchange and headed down the darkened country road leading him away from Jump street and on the path to what he hoped would be salvation.


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